Feeling bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amIalive, Jun 2, 2013.

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  1. amIalive

    amIalive Member

    First would like to say hello to everyone. I am not a new member I registered here like 8 years ago or something under a similar nick but I haven't been here too often last few years. I forgot my password so I had to create a new account a few months back. Also sorry for my english, it's not perfect.

    I feel really bad atm and I don't even know where to start from. First, I don't know how i survived all these years. Nothing has changed in my life a bit. Actually only thing that has changed is that I didn't feel that bad last few year, thats why I haven't been here too often. I just came to the stage of depression when you don't care about anything anymore, I just accepted the fact that I am a fuck up and that nothing will change so I learned to live with that. In my previous ranting under a different acc I said pretty much everything about me. To make it short: No job, no girlfriend, little friends who I haven't here from in a while etc.etc... The things that changed in a last few years are: my alcoholic father died, and a year ago I got some serious lung disease (sarcoidosis). I have recovered but still going to control my health each few months.

    I've lost will to change anything anymore, there is no thrill in my life, I just don't care, I would've probably died a years ago if it wasn't for my mother. I don't want to hurt her, but I know I can't live like this anymore. My life has no purpose at all. All I do is watching movies or go out of house, just walking around by myself with no purpose. Sometimes I go to some music concert or go out with a few friends but its very seldom now. I know I am not a good fried so I don't blame anyone for leaving me. I still have a few friends from here on my FB account(most of them have left me), I never really knew them well, I don't even know whats their nick here anymore. I feel bad tonight again like I did a few years ago because I just realised that I will never be with girl I liked for years. She liked me too but we never got together because I am such a loser. Also I sold all my favourite music records. It was like my favourite bands and I didn't feel that bad when selling it, but I still feel like I did something wrong.

    I can't explain how I got here where I am now. I should have been a happy man. I hate everything now, I just want to die or live like an animal without any responsibility toward anyone. I can't connect with anyone anymore, I don't want it...I don't want to have a good wife, kids...I know It's not for me, I am egoistic and selfish person and I am gonna die alone.

    Thanks for reading and sorry for being negative. I don't really expect any help here. I know there's a lot of good people around here but I've heard any possible advise that could have been given to person like me so there is nothing new to here for me. Also I don't believe in internet friendships because there is no much things to talk about with someone thousand miles away from you. It is doomed to fail sooner or later, at least in my case because I am probably not much interesting person. Thanks again.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome back...I am sorry you are in this place again...when I have felt at some of my lowest times, I was also very negative, apathetic, in fact, like I was unreachable and unworthy...like me, you are neither one of those things, unless you dig your heels in and not accept any alternative opinions (I did that too for years while pretending otherwise)...for me, several things were helpful, talk therapy and mild medications...medications helped reduce my anxiety and therapy mostly helped me deal with my PTSD and dire shame...please PM me if you would like to talk more...welcome back and I am hoping you will consider posting more
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. So sorry to hear that things are so hard for you right now. I know that when people are feeling very down and in pain, they are not able to see anything good about themselves. I think you speak english well. I too hope that you will post more. So you do not feel quite as alone.
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I can relate in some ways. When I hit my lowest point-in fact both my divorced parents and I suffered through it together, I had pretty much alienated myself from my friends. I never felt so weak (emotionally/psychologically-but not physically) in my life before. I had never been without friends. My parents were something of a bedrock since they were stable. My mom's health got bad, she got evicted from her apt (because she couldn't work and pay rent). My father lost his job at the same time coincidentally (though fortunately he kept his pension) and meanwhile I was unemployed, unable to help either of them financially-and began having terrible panic attacks. I couldn't sleep except for minutes at a time and I'd wake up a panic/worrying about our future.

    My friends were very insensitive towards me and for a short while I stopped being friends with them. I never felt as lonely or pathetic as I did in that time. I couldn't bear the idea of my mother ending up homeless-in fact it wasn't something I would allow myself to even consider, I just went right to work-toiling away and finding her another apartment before she got kicked out. I don't believe in a god but the timing was impeccable. I was able to move her in, just in time and her health improved. Eventually I found work and she was able to retire. My father turned out fine as well.

    As for my friends-during the time I wasn't speaking to them I reached out to people on a different forum and it backfired on me. A person I confided in turned against me-since then I never trusted anyone online. Soon after my relationship with my friends returned to normal. Had you known the person I was even 5-10 years earlier you would've never imagined someone like me would ever end up in such a tragic state, since life was going pretty well for me.

    The thing is that despite all the terrible experiences I had, I put in a great deal of effort to keep myself and my parents from ending up in a worse place. I've thought about suicide for a very long time, yet I keep living. I see a lot of parallels in my situation and yours. Despite the trouble that friends can be-they are still worth having. If you're going to keep living then why persist in misery?

    Also with friends, you shouldn't lean on them too much. Treat it like a job-if they help keep you sane, happy, etc (like mine do) then you need to cultivate good relationships. You have to be disciplined in what you say and what you don't. Don't treat them like your therapist, don't dump you problems on them. Share a little if they do nothing more. Use them for your own happiness.

    While I'm basically out of the 'valley' or lowest point in my life and reached a decent plateau, I still feel I've wasted a lot of years and achieved nothing. Sometimes I get some peace of mind knowing that if I really did want to end my life I could. I used to be in great shape now I'm 30 lbs overweight-due to all the troubles I went through in my life. I figure if I'm not going to end my life tomorrow then I better take action to get back in shape and try to attain something of the life I keep wishing I had.

    It's not an easy thing of course, but it's not impossible either-you have to reach within yourself and rely on the former strength you had used to get you through your other hardships. Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears-like I am now while I type this, but if I were to disappear, some people near me would greatly suffer. My retired mother lives with me and could never support herself financially so I'd be ruining two lives, not just mine. Which is why I keep going on. At least until I know that she can live fine with a sibling or passes away-I could never abandon her. She's suffered a lot as well but I'll never forget that she always worked hard her whole life and gave me a place to stay and let me enjoy mine. This is the least I could do for her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2013
  5. amIalive

    amIalive Member

    Thank you all, especially to Listless for that long post.
    I am back to normal again, I mean I don't feel that bad but I am still not optimistic and can't see the better future for me. Its like I am waiting to die, or something, I don't know.
    I will try to hang around here more often. If not in long run it helps me at least in the moments of despair and kills some time which I have more than I need.
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