Feeling Close, Having Questions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by forSincerity, Nov 16, 2010.

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  1. forSincerity

    forSincerity Member

    I'm in college right now, and I've halted all my studies because I don't anticipate being around much longer. I've stopped caring, I just continue to elaborate on my plan to kill myself. I've been struggling so much, but I've been thinking of little things to keep me alive -- how I want to see the next episode of Conan O'Brien's new talk show, how I need to feed my fish, how I want to go to Disneyland first. But these thoughts keeping me clinging to life keep getting less and less frequent. More and more, all I can think about is killing myself.

    I thought I was getting a little better, until I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend just now. We're verging on breaking up because I don't know whether or not I should tell him about my suicidal thoughts. I keep starting arguments with him because of my suicidal feelings. He doesn't know, he thinks I am just arguing with him. He is one of the reasons that I am hanging on. I fear that when we are done, I will be done.

    But he's going through a lot of personal problems of his own; his family is falling apart and he recently lost his best friend in a car accident and we have been arguing a lot outside of reasons due to my suicidal thoughts as well. I don't want to bring my suicidal thoughts into the picture because of these things, he is already going through a lot. But he keeps getting fed up with me arguing with him. I can tell he is growing tired of me, and that makes me feel closer and closer to death. I don't know if I should tell him, I have NO ONE to talk to, if there is anyone it would be him, but I don't know if I should.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Well first of all, you're going to have to find some strength to deal with the practical side of things. Have you been to your doctor? Are you on medication? If not, go and get these things sorted out, you won't get better without them.
    Next, you're going to have to deal with the college. Can you take time out to get better? Could you repeat the year? The college will have something in place to help people like you. I more or less had a nervous breakdown at the end of my degree and couldn't finish it but my psych wrote to the Uni and they gave me the degree anyway.
    Next, yes you have to tell your boyfriend. It's not fair to expect him to have a relationship with you without knowing all the details. When you have mental health issues, life becomes a lot easier if you're open about them with people. I know that's hard and you'll meet a lot of prejudice but it's still easier than trying to cover it up.
    Since your boyfriend has issues of his own, it's kinder to let him know that leave him to think that on top of everything else, his partner is losing the plot. He may well start thinking that it's all in his head and you'll make him worse.
    You shouldn't, however, use him as a counselling service. He's not trained for that and has too much on his plate. You need to phone a crisis line or see the college counsellor or some other professional. Your boyfriend only needs to know that you have a mental health condition and you're doing everything you can to get better. Ask him to be patient.
    Sending hugs, xxx
  3. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

    You need to be sedated for a while get some medication ativan or something all the best
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