okay right my head is fucking spinning right now and my thoughts are racing, i feel exited and like dancing the fuck around this room; i feel intoxicated in my own mind. what the fuck? i need to gtf to the doctors, i cant live like this anymore, arnt the highs meant to be the fun bit? i feel absolutley amazing right now, but my thoughts keep going back to self harming; how does this make sense? 2 days ago i had the worst low ive had in a while, i nearly attempted to kill myself, and got down to counting the amount of various pills i had, and wondering if it would definatly be enough to kill me. i cut myself instead. i am going to visit a friend this weekend, someone i have been friends with for a while but it looks like its going to turn romantic, and this is the weekend its gonna happen. the cut is on the calf of my leg, so im hoping he wont see it, but realisticly, if we sleep together he will; its quite big and needed steri strips to hold it together. but its making me want to cut again, just the thought its there, and the thought hes gona see it, its making me want to cut again even though i feel amazing, just because i WANT to. why do i feel like this? why is it never balanced, why is it always this exitement and racing thoughts, or the dark black complete hole. i pushed away every possible relationship since my ex, this one could actually be amazing and im what, trying to fuck it up by cutting myself and making himthink im mental before weve began? or am i sick to fuck of hiding myself with guys and just want him to see it and still accept me. im so confused, im so conflicted and i cant fucking do this anymore.