feeling crushed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Mar 11, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    this thing with my disability is messing me up

    apparently my job is only safe if i'm not out longer than 30 days - and i'm already 11 days into it

    19 days to feel "better" or i may lose my job

    there's no way - last time this happened i was out for three months

    i don't think i can do this anymore -it's just too damned hard
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are facing this. That's a huge pressure. Have you spoken to your boss about your options?
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't even pick up the phone right now

    even if i'm looking him in the eye i can never tell which side of his mouth his is talking out of anyway

    the only people i trust there are in no position to help and i don't want them to try because i don't want them to risk their jobs - i'm not worth the effort
  4. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    sorry Wastingecho, perhaps there is an extention if you still need more time after this leave? Perhaps talk to your HR person/Doctor/insurance when you are feeling more up to it?
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    it's all there in black and white in the disability application papers - corporate policy

    and i've learned that HR is NOT there to help me - they are there to protect the company

    all i am is a replaceable part
  6. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    does the HFMA stuff apply to you?
  7. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    you in your job might be replaceable
    but you are unique -a dellight of/in the universe :)
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't know what HFMA means

    and i'm not a delight of anything

    i don't have any value to the company - i have no value to myself

    i feel like i'm just wasting someone else's oxygen

    pretty much just a worthless chunk of rotting meat
  9. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    i apologize, sorry Wastingecho
    the family medical leave act i think i mean

    i get letter things wrong alot

    i can definitely appreciate not feeling self to be delight but then again i can appreciate that i am not always a good judge of those sorts of things but i do hold the hope/thought close and silent in my heart since i belive that some day if i ever get to be a real person then i might be.

    i was trying to offer that bit of hopery to you
    i belive you are a real person and valuded by many if not your work
  10. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    If you were out for 3 months before and did not lose your job, why do you think you would lose it after 30 days this time??
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    that was 10 years ago when this company was actually part of a larger corporation that generally had a better attitude toward its employees

    plus the people in charge then were people i knew and, in some cases, trained - there used to be some value placed on loyalty

    since the spin-off everyone above me is a stranger and i've dropped down the company ladder - bottom line is everything - loyalty means nothing
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    at what point is it okay for me to say "enough"?

    been trying to get his out of my head and it just keeps going around and around

    what's the point in trying if nothing ever gets better?

    "'Cause I know I'm going nowhere
    And anywhere's a better place to be"
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    fellow there are options and possibilities.

    you are too depressed to listen to them
    i am too depressed to fight you so you'll hear me.

    which one of us is useless? I'd say with certainty, it is I.
  14. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    how do you KNOW nothing gets better? Truth is you don't, you dont have a crystal ball, you cannot predict the future, even given past events. It is possible things WILL get better. At least, I have to believe that or else I would be dead today. And when I dont believe it, I listen to other people I trust and they tell me things will get better. I emailed my doctor tonight and asked him that very question, "is this ever going to get better?", of course, his answer was an unequivocal yes, and i expected him to say that, but I just needed to hear it, i needed to borrow some of his hope.

    So, borrow some of mine now, and just breathe and try to accept that things will change, and eventually they will change for the better. It is also not all out of your control, or your responsibility to make things better. I know when I feel like absolute fucking shit, I tend to forget that I still do have some control over how i feel and what i can do to help myself feel better.

    All hope is not lost on you. Ok, its not over.
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