Hello people,
It doesn't really matter if you read this or not. You all have your own lives so what's the point worrying over this one? Anyway, I feel like I need to get this all out of my head and at least feel that it's all connected to something.
Recently I've found myself in a state of mind that I didn't even know was possible and in a place that I didn't even know it was possible for a person to be. I'm 16 years of age from the UK and consequently still in education. From about the age of 11 I've been a target of the boys and girls that happen to be in my life due to my own random placement in existance. Now that I'm 16 and in the sixth form of my school (year 12), people have seemed to become less hostile but if they don't like you, people tend to ignore you. For this reason I have been spending mostly every weekend as far back as I can remember on my own. In consequence, i've become a pale, disgusting, spotty wretch of a thing and i'm so socially inept that I even find it hard to call myself a human being. I see the more social groups of my school laughing and talking together effortlessly and it makes me fucking sick to think that's the life I missed out on and will never have due to my own human weakness. Even if i try to speak to someone outside of my comfort zone or they try to speak to me I oftem blush terribly and physically freeze up as a result of feeling so out of place.
Now, I finally think I've reached the point where simply waking from my dreams every morning, looking over myself and resuming this life feels so deeply disappointing that I'm not even sure which life I'm meant to have. This mindframe I have seemed to develop of being an onlooker on life itself is almost as abstract as the vivid shit you witness while sleeping. Even if I did slot into some kind of social circle as it stands now, I really don't think I could deal with it. It'd just seem too false and something that I'm not meant to belong to. Maybe I think too much about everything....but I guess that's the sort of person I am.
Cheers for reading,
regards,
Ben.
It doesn't really matter if you read this or not. You all have your own lives so what's the point worrying over this one? Anyway, I feel like I need to get this all out of my head and at least feel that it's all connected to something.
Recently I've found myself in a state of mind that I didn't even know was possible and in a place that I didn't even know it was possible for a person to be. I'm 16 years of age from the UK and consequently still in education. From about the age of 11 I've been a target of the boys and girls that happen to be in my life due to my own random placement in existance. Now that I'm 16 and in the sixth form of my school (year 12), people have seemed to become less hostile but if they don't like you, people tend to ignore you. For this reason I have been spending mostly every weekend as far back as I can remember on my own. In consequence, i've become a pale, disgusting, spotty wretch of a thing and i'm so socially inept that I even find it hard to call myself a human being. I see the more social groups of my school laughing and talking together effortlessly and it makes me fucking sick to think that's the life I missed out on and will never have due to my own human weakness. Even if i try to speak to someone outside of my comfort zone or they try to speak to me I oftem blush terribly and physically freeze up as a result of feeling so out of place.
Now, I finally think I've reached the point where simply waking from my dreams every morning, looking over myself and resuming this life feels so deeply disappointing that I'm not even sure which life I'm meant to have. This mindframe I have seemed to develop of being an onlooker on life itself is almost as abstract as the vivid shit you witness while sleeping. Even if I did slot into some kind of social circle as it stands now, I really don't think I could deal with it. It'd just seem too false and something that I'm not meant to belong to. Maybe I think too much about everything....but I guess that's the sort of person I am.
Cheers for reading,
regards,
Ben.
