Feeling done.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tillandsia, Apr 18, 2016.

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  1. tillandsia

    tillandsia Member

    To think that I was worrying about what I would talk about with my counselor at my next appointment. Today, what set me off just moments ago was a professor's invitation to a group of us who will be part of her clinic next year to have drinks at a bar. But while I had been expecting the email today, I was expecting it hours earlier, not just barely two hours before she wanted to meet up. I have been trying to do my work but unsuccessfully, reading the same pages while in my mind I've been justifying why I can't go. To "normal" people, it's like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but to me, I feel overwhelmed, ashamed, and resentful. I don't like drinking really, I don't know the other students in my clinic, I hate how disorganized this professor is, and how little she seems to value our time by repeatedly doing this to us. I appreciate her efforts to reach out, but it just makes me feel crappy for all my personality traits. Why do I have to create an excuse to get out of it. Why can't I just say no and let that be that?

    Why do I struggle over these trivial matters that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things? What is the point of suffering like this? Sometimes, I think I'm a masochist based on past choices and that I sabotage myself because I just can't help myself. But I genuinely just want it to be all over. I fantasize about stumbling upon the perfect opportunity to take something and have it be done in a painless instant. I don't care that it won't look like an accident. I have no qualms about the morality of suicide, despite my religious beliefs. I don't understand why I'm here and it'd just be easier for everyone if I wasn't. I think I do have everything I need if I really wanted to make that choice, but I am not certain that it will be irrevocably effective and definitely not painless. I need certainty. If I am going to try, I am damn well going to succeed. I can't bear the irony of failing a suicide attempt. It would drive me actually insane. Sometimes, I wish something would happen to me to give me legitimate reasons to take the next step, but for now I am just pretending, existing, hating it, and wishing I wasn't me.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Why can't you just say that you don't feel like drinking? Or if you really do have to lie, just tell them you have to help a friend with something?

    Please don't hurt yourself over this, or anything else for that matter. Talk to someone rather, talk to your counselor about this?
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I spent years in therapy working on what my counselor called engulfment issues. To put it simply-I felt completely overwhelmed by even minor relationships. I had problems saying NO to people, so every connection to someone, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant made me nuts. I agreed to do things I didn't want to do because I feared conflict and-or rejection. I finally figured out that the deeper root of the problem was my fear of being overpowered by people and losing control. I was suffocated by my father when I was a kid-I was his best and only friend. It was like he owned me-then later when I became and adult I still believed that people had the potential to own me and take my privacy away from me.

    The remedy was learning how to define my own separate boundaries and defend those boundaries when necessary. I eventually found that people didn't go crazy when I said NO to them like my father had. Most of the time they were fine if I didn't want to participate in whatever they were doing. In short-I would just politely decline the offer of going out for drinks. No one will know what a big deal it is for you unless you tell them. It took some time before I got used to saying NO-but once I got the hang of it, my life became a lot more peaceful.
    Striking likes this.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Just say.....simply no thanks you don't believe in drinking or already had plans that day and send your regrets.

    Do whatever you want its your life, your an adult and don't over think it.... take it easy like a tillandsia. Take care.
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