To think that I was worrying about what I would talk about with my counselor at my next appointment. Today, what set me off just moments ago was a professor's invitation to a group of us who will be part of her clinic next year to have drinks at a bar. But while I had been expecting the email today, I was expecting it hours earlier, not just barely two hours before she wanted to meet up. I have been trying to do my work but unsuccessfully, reading the same pages while in my mind I've been justifying why I can't go. To "normal" people, it's like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but to me, I feel overwhelmed, ashamed, and resentful. I don't like drinking really, I don't know the other students in my clinic, I hate how disorganized this professor is, and how little she seems to value our time by repeatedly doing this to us. I appreciate her efforts to reach out, but it just makes me feel crappy for all my personality traits. Why do I have to create an excuse to get out of it. Why can't I just say no and let that be that? Why do I struggle over these trivial matters that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things? What is the point of suffering like this? Sometimes, I think I'm a masochist based on past choices and that I sabotage myself because I just can't help myself. But I genuinely just want it to be all over. I fantasize about stumbling upon the perfect opportunity to take something and have it be done in a painless instant. I don't care that it won't look like an accident. I have no qualms about the morality of suicide, despite my religious beliefs. I don't understand why I'm here and it'd just be easier for everyone if I wasn't. I think I do have everything I need if I really wanted to make that choice, but I am not certain that it will be irrevocably effective and definitely not painless. I need certainty. If I am going to try, I am damn well going to succeed. I can't bear the irony of failing a suicide attempt. It would drive me actually insane. Sometimes, I wish something would happen to me to give me legitimate reasons to take the next step, but for now I am just pretending, existing, hating it, and wishing I wasn't me.