I've had thoughts of ending my life on and off for the past fifteen years or so. It first started when I got real bad acne as a teenager. My face was like a pizza and was constantly oily. On top of that I'm just plain ugly. My brother and sister are quite the different specimen. They are attractive and don't suffer from acne. I once showed my friend on my year book my sister and he told me that God is so unfair to me. Its true. Worse is, I'm not very smart either. My SAT's were 1100 which are only above average. Someone as ugly as me should soley rely on my brains and I don't have much. Despite it all, I always stayed positive and did what I had to do to make people laugh, often at the cost of my dignity. Kinda like Conan O'Brien, but we all know he's joking cause Conan went to Harvard and is successful. And because of this, I lucked out and a few girls looked beyond my looks and liked me. I must say they are the only ones who's been good in my life and understood me. My friends are only half cool to me one-on-one. Once another friend joins us, my 'friend' will forget about me or even insult me cause that was the way it was. I stopped trusting friends and relied heavily on one-on-one interaction.I would choose to have meals with only one person because no one would give me the attention if I ate as a group. I married a very nice girl and this has been one of the few consolations in my life. So tonight, we celebrate my dad's birthday. He tells me to invite my wife and her parents along. They come along for dinner. I've always had a real bad relation with my mom. My mom is beyond immature and believes anyone who looks ugly has a reason. She thinks ugly people are ugly inside and out. I was never given a chance. I was an eye sore to her and she used to only physically hit me and never my elder brother or younger sister. She also got hyper-pigmentation from carrying me in pregnancy. She proceeds to tell my in-laws (in which I've been working so hard to impress and be nice to) what a loser and bad kid I am. This is not the first time, but last time was relatively minor (her parents told my wife they feel bad for me afterwards, though). This time, she tells them: 1. As a kid I was picky with my food and that it was really hard to please me on meals. She said I didn't like eating fish (which kid liked steamed fish anyways?), tofu and certain veggies. She said i was a pain. 2. I experienced diarrhea when I first came to Vancouver. I was only literally 2 years old and she said that I was a hinderance and weak. I barely had any sense at that age. And why does she have no sympathy for those who are sick? Was it my choice that I was not used to the water? Did I enjoy being sick? I simply find it appalling and offensive that over these years, she's been picking on me for something that was out of my control at the age of 2... 3. She tells them that I am lazy and useless. She said she literally looked at me and thought to herself why she gave birth to this ' thing'. She tells them that as a kid, I was 'unlovable'... 4. She also proceeds to tell me that a few years ago, I was even worse than I am now and that she would consider me to not even be classified as a human. 5. One aspect that showed how much my mom disliked me as a baby/toddler was when she complained to others that I always wanted to be hugged and carried. To many, this would be a blessing that their children love their parents. To her, it was another hinderance in life. She described herself as looking very pretty when she gave birth to me, and after a couple years taking care of me, she became thin and unattractive. The in-laws either don't give me much pity or they are simply afraid of the wrath of my mom, but they laughed along and joked about it. I've been so nice and courteous to them, yet they believe every word they say. My wife told them afterwards, as I drove them to they homes that what my mom said about me was a lie. They were surprised, meaning they thought it was true. I was very upset afterwards and called my mom. I expected her to not admit to her faults. She simply told me that she treated them as family and did not find it to be anything of a big deal. I asked her if she felt the words of 'unlovable, lazy, useless and thing' were normal words she would use in describing someone. She said, she does it all the time, yet I never hear her say that to anyone in front of a crowd. I ask her if she would want me to tell others of her past (she has threatened divorce on the most minor of issues. She's selfish, hasn't worked since the age of 19, has a real bad temper and abusive). She tells me that the next time they sit down, I am free to tell them all about her. I told her I won't because I don't see why I would want to harm people close to me. I've attempted to be closer and nicer to her after I graduated college and moved back home. I do a whole lot of things right and I miss a mark (come home late for dinner, don't immediately gratify her needs or forget about something after a day's work), and she'll go nuts and I start at square one. Now I simply want to cut ties with her. Some of you will tell me not to. But I'm so sure I want to. Not only because of tonight's incident, but also for my mental health. I'm feeling real down. Feeling ugly, unlovable, dumb and useless. I simply want to jump off my flat. I swear it will feel so much better. Can you guys let me know if it will be too mean of me to cut ties with my mom for my own sake? any help would be appreciated. Thank you.