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Feeling down these days and thinking...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gti, Sep 12, 2011.

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  1. gti

    gti New Member

    I've had thoughts of ending my life on and off for the past fifteen years or so.

    It first started when I got real bad acne as a teenager. My face was like a pizza and was constantly oily. On top of that I'm just plain ugly. My brother and sister are quite the different specimen. They are attractive and don't suffer from acne.

    I once showed my friend on my year book my sister and he told me that God is so unfair to me. Its true.

    Worse is, I'm not very smart either. My SAT's were 1100 which are only above average. Someone as ugly as me should soley rely on my brains and I don't have much.

    Despite it all, I always stayed positive and did what I had to do to make people laugh, often at the cost of my dignity. Kinda like Conan O'Brien, but we all know he's joking cause Conan went to Harvard and is successful. And because of this, I lucked out and a few girls looked beyond my looks and liked me. I must say they are the only ones who's been good in my life and understood me. My friends are only half cool to me one-on-one. Once another friend joins us, my 'friend' will forget about me or even insult me cause that was the way it was.

    I stopped trusting friends and relied heavily on one-on-one interaction.I would choose to have meals with only one person because no one would give me the attention if I ate as a group.

    I married a very nice girl and this has been one of the few consolations in my life.

    So tonight, we celebrate my dad's birthday. He tells me to invite my wife and her parents along. They come along for dinner. I've always had a real bad relation with my mom. My mom is beyond immature and believes anyone who looks ugly has a reason. She thinks ugly people are ugly inside and out. I was never given a chance. I was an eye sore to her and she used to only physically hit me and never my elder brother or younger sister. She also got hyper-pigmentation from carrying me in pregnancy.

    She proceeds to tell my in-laws (in which I've been working so hard to impress and be nice to) what a loser and bad kid I am. This is not the first time, but last time was relatively minor (her parents told my wife they feel bad for me afterwards, though). This time, she tells them:

    1. As a kid I was picky with my food and that it was really hard to please me on meals. She said I didn't like eating fish (which kid liked steamed fish anyways?), tofu and certain veggies. She said i was a pain.

    2. I experienced diarrhea when I first came to Vancouver. I was only literally 2 years old and she said that I was a hinderance and weak. I barely had any sense at that age. And why does she have no sympathy for those who are sick? Was it my choice that I was not used to the water? Did I enjoy being sick? I simply find it appalling and offensive that over these years, she's been picking on me for something that was out of my control at the age of 2...

    3. She tells them that I am lazy and useless. She said she literally looked at me and thought to herself why she gave birth to this ' thing'. She tells them that as a kid, I was 'unlovable'...

    4. She also proceeds to tell me that a few years ago, I was even worse than I am now and that she would consider me to not even be classified as a human.

    5. One aspect that showed how much my mom disliked me as a baby/toddler was when she complained to others that I always wanted to be hugged and carried. To many, this would be a blessing that their children love their parents. To her, it was another hinderance in life. She described herself as looking very pretty when she gave birth to me, and after a couple years taking care of me, she became thin and unattractive.

    The in-laws either don't give me much pity or they are simply afraid of the wrath of my mom, but they laughed along and joked about it. I've been so nice and courteous to them, yet they believe every word they say. My wife told them afterwards, as I drove them to they homes that what my mom said about me was a lie. They were surprised, meaning they thought it was true.

    I was very upset afterwards and called my mom. I expected her to not admit to her faults. She simply told me that she treated them as family and did not find it to be anything of a big deal. I asked her if she felt the words of 'unlovable, lazy, useless and thing' were normal words she would use in describing someone. She said, she does it all the time, yet I never hear her say that to anyone in front of a crowd. I ask her if she would want me to tell others of her past (she has threatened divorce on the most minor of issues. She's selfish, hasn't worked since the age of 19, has a real bad temper and abusive). She tells me that the next time they sit down, I am free to tell them all about her. I told her I won't because I don't see why I would want to harm people close to me.

    I've attempted to be closer and nicer to her after I graduated college and moved back home. I do a whole lot of things right and I miss a mark (come home late for dinner, don't immediately gratify her needs or forget about something after a day's work), and she'll go nuts and I start at square one. Now I simply want to cut ties with her. Some of you will tell me not to. But I'm so sure I want to. Not only because of tonight's incident, but also for my mental health. I'm feeling real down. Feeling ugly, unlovable, dumb and useless. I simply want to jump off my flat. I swear it will feel so much better.

    Can you guys let me know if it will be too mean of me to cut ties with my mom for my own sake?

    any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If she insists on behaveing hst way I would cut her off..Theres no need to be belittled especially in fron't of your wife and parents..Where was your dad during al this??I cut my parents and family off for six years..The only reason I contacted them after all this time was to tell them they were grandparents..
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you need to set clear boundaries with your mother that her verbal abuse has to stop and her lies if they do not then you will not be apart of her life. She is toxic hun and until she sees the harm she is doing you should not have contact with her. set boundaries if she goes over them then yes walk away
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I have to come back and read all this, but as far as acne goes, if your still having a problem with that, let me suggest a few things.

    A prescription of doxycycline from your doctor, you'll be amazed at how fast that works.

    Proactiv, you can go to the website online and get it for $20, and cancel anytime afterwards.

    Also, avoid icecream, caffeine, and chocolate.

    I have had those issues too, and now, rarely ever break out.
  5. Chameleo

    Chameleo Member

    Yes, cut her out of your life! She sounds like a literal covetous sociopath. She's bemused by how much she's hurting you.
  6. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well it's no wonder you feel that way about yourself, having to listen to your mother belittle you like such.. I wouldn't let her be a part of my life if that is all she could do. Even if she doesn't mean anything by it, it's still wrong. And just because she says all that stuff, you know, that doesn't make it so.
  7. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I would want to cut off contact with her. At the very least, don't get together with both sets of parents at one time again. You don't need to contaminate your in-laws with your mother.
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Your endurance of her is incredible. I would not have been able to stand her at all. I think that some distance would help your relationship.
  9. tudor_77

    tudor_77 Member

    There is nothing wrong with cutting your mum out of your life if she is going to act like that and you certainly should not be feeling guilty about it (easier said than done, I know). Bottom line is, if she is going to act in such a way then she simply doesn't deserve to be involved in your life any more. Good luck mate.
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Can I ask what you have done to combat acne? It is a condition that can be handled with medicine.

    :D let me tell you the best part about being a man. Being physically attractive is not what wins over women. Sure being physically attractive will help, but it is not the end all be all. That is the disadvantage women have. As a man, it is more important that you carry yourself with confidence. I mean if you are really as hideous as you say you are, how would you be married? You have that over me.

    Your mom sounds like my dad. The way I handle my dad is I make him take an interest in me. He has to do all the planning inviting and funding. I would just ignore your mom. You can remember this when she is old and decrepit. Anyway, make her want to be a part of your life. Don't include her in it, she has not earned that right. When my mom gave me guff about never talking to her. I reminded her of the many ways she could have terminated her pregnancy. That always shuts her up.

    :D I also understand the sibling comparison. People still assume I am a cousin to my various siblings.

    Anyway, you have a wife. I know when I have a mate I always feel pretty damn sexy. Then again, that was only when there was enthusiastic mating going on :sweat:
  11. I started to read your post and thought...suicide over a cureable medical problem?? Then I read the rest of it and I cannot believe anyone would treat you that way especially your own mother! Honestly, you really do need to get her out of your life! She is so unhappy with herself that she can't even treat her own son with respect. She honestly sounds like and evil, vindictive person who only cares about herself. Keep those you love and care for away from your mother or she will poison them with her negativity. I don't care how "ugly" you think you are, your outward appearance is only 10% of who you are the other 90% is your inner being and if you can put up with someone treating you like that and not ever standing up for yourself you are freakin amazing and I applaud you! You do need to be assertive and stand up for yourself by telling her how you feel and that you will not put p with it anymore. If you ever get in a situation like that again you have every right to LEAVE and never go back into that situation again! Don't ever feel like you have to sit there and be abused in that way!
  12. gti

    gti New Member

    Thank you so much for all your replies. It helps to have reassurance. My wife and her parents are with me. They told me that my dad is a nice person, however they think my mom is pretty mean. Talked to another friend and she simply told me that if my wife and her parents have half a brain, they would know I am a decent person now and then simply because the worse my mom has talked about me was when I was 2-5 years old when all kids were playful, naughty and undisciplined. We all know kids just want to have fun and mean no harm.

    To answer some questions, my acne has long-gone but it has caused me with some scars physically, mentally and spiritually. I've been feeling unconfident ever since. My mom has also crippled my confidence from the start to the point where its hard to climb back up on my 2 feet. She would make damn sure she win every argument no matter how absurd it was. I grew to be extremely logical and analytical because of her. She would use anyway she could (raising her voice, claiming fiction to be factual, saying that she simply know better, etc.) to win any argument. The only way I would half make myself better is convincing myself. Any doubt in my mind and I would think very negatively. She once claimed to know how I felt more than myself and claimed that I had evil thoughts.

    I've decided to only see my mom at most once of twice a year. I still love my grandma, so I would see her as usual and if my mom happens to be there, so be it. She's been nasty to me all these years and I have every reason to not see her without feeling guilty like I always feel. Hell, I feel guilty if anything goes wrong even if someone else is 95% at fault and me being 5%. I was simply conditioned to feel like trash and a failure.

    Thank you all! This will be a new beginning for me. I will stand up on my two legs. I have done so previously and every time I see my mom, she crushes me back on the ground and I start from square one. I do not wish of anything bad of her as revenge, however I simply will not care so much to explain why I am not seeing her. If she thinks I'm some punk or devil, so be it. She she keeps on demoting me as satin to others behind my back, there's nothing I could do. If anyone knows me for 10 minutes, they would know that I am sincere and kind to others. I am sick of her making it seem like I traffic kids from Thailand for prostitution, set fire to stores, sell drugs to minors or steal from beggars!
  13. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Definitely cut her off. I know it sounds harsh, and I know it can be painful because she is your mother after all, but you do not deserve to be treated this way by your own mother. Everyone deserves good parents and if yours don't make the cut, just cut them out. You're an adult now, after all, and can hold your own. I think it would really be best in this situation because you have to start thinking about yourself. Emotional abuse can be seriously fatal and, like anything that is a hindrance to your health (physical, mental, emotional), you have to get rid of it.

    I am so sorry to hear that your mother was so horrible to you. I myself know that my mother loves me very much but she called me ugly and stupid once and already that hurt so much I know I can never let go of it for the rest of my life. For you, I imagine, it must be ten times worse.

    Also, people as old as she must be right now simply won't change. They've been like that for decades and, as the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I think it's best that you start to make changes in your own life so that you can begin to feel good about yourself. And if cutting your mom out of your life helps, then do it.
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