feeling down. very down.

[dazzle11215]

i've been fighting this feeling, this wanting to die, i've really been trying. i'm on meds, i have a shrink, there's a nurse i really like who has helped. but i am so down tonight. she warned me that weekends are hard... so much time on my hands.

i am trying to work on that "negative" self-talk and it's not working. being conscious of all the negative things i say to myself just makes me feel worse. here's how i start the day. i look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and say to myself "god you're ugly. no wonder you are alone."

i am so tired of fighting this. i don't have anything to argue back with myself. my head and my heart are just full of the bad stuff, all the failures, all the ways i've fucked up.

i don't know how much longer i can keep fighting. i'm ready to give in. i'm ready to give up.

cath.

 

[danni]

:hug: is the nurse around to help you out hun, i'm here if u want to talk :hug:

 

[Dave_N]

Hang in there dazzle.

 

[New-Hope]

Hang in there dazzle. Things can get better. I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth too at the minute. Life's just full of up's and downs. :dry:
Keep trying to focus on all the positives hun. :hug:

 

[madasafishbone]

Seems that you are living your 'un-lived' future threw your lived past.
We are 'not' what we are, we 'are' what we are not.


BETWEEN THE LINES

 

[dazzle11215]

thx, gang. not doing much better tonight. madasafishbone, your last line is too clever for me. i don't understand.

i get the bit about living in the past. it's probably true. i hate myself for my past mistakes. i can't imagine a different future for myself. i don't know why.

i have various work commitments this week that i need to stick around for and finish up. once those projects are done i hope to take the final steps to end this suffering.

survived another day. couldn't say "lived" another day since this doesn't feel much like living. i hope to god it won't always be this way

catherine

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

It won't always be this way, keep fighting and hanging in there for the days and for the time in your life when things will be better.

 

[madasafishbone]

''We are 'not' who we are, we 'are' who we are not''

Is something I came across while reading 'Jean Paul Satre' it’s basically all about freedom, the freedom of being human? This freedom is not a bonus, it’s a burden, and isn't something that most people experience, unless (as I think) they become depressed, and (as I think, is unique to depression) even then it isn't experienced as you would experience something physical, i.e... Touching something hot, it’s experienced as nothingness, an all encompassing emptiness that can't be explained.
It’s the nothingness or void that exists between past and future...

we are not what we are...we are at this very moment who we are to become, we are at each and every moment choosing who we shall be, therefore... we are not what we are, we are what we are not...we are yet to become who we shall be. Therefore we are what we are not.
It takes a bit of getting your head round, and my theory of Depression needs a bit more explanation...if anyone’s interested?

 

[dazzle11215]

thanks, everyone, it's the end of the week and i'm feeling a bit better... plus this weeks work projects went so well, they've hired me to do some more work next week.

i have a plan for the weekend and it's KEEP BUSY, no getting wrapped up in my thoughts, obsessing, spiraling down. saturday is a gallery opening for a group show were i'm exhibiting two photos, sunday i'm meeting a friend to go take photos,

c.

 

[Panther]

i am trying to work on that "negative" self-talk and it's not working. being conscious of all the negative things i say to myself just makes me feel worse. here's how i start the day. i look in the mirror when i'm brushing my teeth and say to myself "god you're ugly. no wonder you are alone."

you must keep trying, however long it takes. I'd suggest writing down all the negative thoughts you have, think of a positive or at least non-negative thought that will counteract each one, write it down even if you don't believe it at the time, and put the 'positive' thoughts somewhere where you can see them and look at them every time you have a negative thought. Trying just to fight the negative thoughts won't work. It's like if you eat unhealthy foods, the best remedy is to eat healthy foods. I know thoughts might be slightly different but the only way you will conquer negative thoughts is by replacing them. Also try and eliminate the 'I can't do this' out of your mindset. Believe me I've been there with the negative thoughts. I hope you find a way. Take care.

 

[blade]

hun i agree , cant remember who said it though...yes , keep trying. it will take a long time yes. but u have to have faith in ur self, and push ur self, keep trying u'll get there hun!
:P

 

[blade]

try calling those help lines, they helped me, and maybe gat a scrap book or something, and draw ur emotions out.

 

[dazzle11215]

thanks, guys. last time i tried to tackle my negative thoughts i spiraled down and fast. i have some anxiety about trying again but for now i will just try and be aware, and observe until i have the skills to tackle them

tonight i went out and got drunk, the first time since dec 25th. not a great coping mechanism but i'm home now, alone (sent the cute boy packing) and ready to sleep...

c.