This is my first post on here and I'm happy I finally found a place where maybe I can get the support I need. I'm working hard to give my self support as well, but I've just had a bit too much on my plate lately to do it... Hopefully in the near future I can start feeling well enough to reply and maybe help some others on here too... Hopefully I'm in the right place here. So, I've been feeling like... checking out, but I really don't want to do it. It just comes over me at times and I can't stop it. I've felt this way on and off since I was about 8 or 9, and I'm 30 now, though there have been long chunks of time (a few years) where I didn't feel this way, when my life was going well. I honestly feel a lot better right now just being able to post on here, knowing that this place exists, but I'm going to continue and post it because I know the negativity will come back and I need to figure this out so I can work hard to make the positive outweigh the negative in my life. So, the major problem is that I had this relationship for years- lived with the girl, almost had a baby but she aborted it, I ended it because she was destroying me psychologically. Then we strung it out for a few years, mostly because she kept begging me and I'm bad at saying no, but eventually I stopped talking to her at all pretty much except for when she would call me to scream at me because she heard somehow that I went to see my own friends.- This was by far the most serious and damaging relationship I have ever had to this day. This was all going on while I was living with some family members that promised me our lifestyles wouldn't conflict, and then turned out to be addicted to meth and sat outside my room all the time staying up late and being very loud and stealing things from me while I was working full and part-time jobs at the same time, and trying to be there to help my mom deal with cancer treatments for a very serious cancer. During that all of that I was quite suicidal, but I got therapy and it kind of helped. It would have helped much more if I could make enough money to move away again but it hasn't been working out yet. So this current issue started about three months after the last call from my ex, screaming at me for seeing my own friends (that went on for years), when she started dating my cousin, and then got pregnant by him. I think I could have handled the situation if my father hadn't fought with me endlessly about whether or not I even had an emotion about the situation. At the time, I would be over his house at his request to help him with something, and we would be talking about some upcoming family party and I would sigh and say something like "I don't want to see Betty" (my ex), not even really thinking about it, and he would start trying to argue with me about it. It's not like I was going to attack them or something... Funny thing is, he never even liked my ex, and for good reason too. She wasn't good for me. She's ten years older and very coddling to the point that I lost myself and a business (which has been very financially damaging ever since). She just couldn't handle me living my own life for me. She fought tooth and nail to keep me under her control. During that my life was (and is) in financial ruin and I need to apply for a lot of jobs and work really hard to change that, and I would tell my dad this and say I needed to go home but he would just guilt me and tell me there was something "fundamentally wrong" with me, and that I was selfish, and that there's something wrong with me and my generation. Now I can't even go to a family function without being thrown into a super negative emotional tailspin that lasts for weeks because I have to see my meth addict cousins, my cousin who just had a child with my ex that I ruined me, and other people in my family that I feel kicked around by... So, anyone have any thoughts? Am I crazy like they say I am? Of course there are lots of other details and things done wrong on all sides, but it kind of just seems like everyone in this part of my family hates me and doesn't respect me. Like they think I'm there to serve them or just sit and be quiet when somebody does something screwed up to me... All I want is to exercise and work hard so I can get my creditors off my back and maybe have a family one day. Any comments appreciated... Just please be nice. I'm pretty sensitive right now... Didn't have much luck on the sensitivity issue on a legal forum I got on. They're so unprofessional!