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Feeling down, working hard to make things better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jremmy, May 26, 2013.

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  1. jremmy

    jremmy New Member

    This is my first post on here and I'm happy I finally found a place where maybe I can get the support I need. I'm working hard to give my self support as well, but I've just had a bit too much on my plate lately to do it... Hopefully in the near future I can start feeling well enough to reply and maybe help some others on here too... Hopefully I'm in the right place here.

    So, I've been feeling like... checking out, but I really don't want to do it. It just comes over me at times and I can't stop it. I've felt this way on and off since I was about 8 or 9, and I'm 30 now, though there have been long chunks of time (a few years) where I didn't feel this way, when my life was going well.

    I honestly feel a lot better right now just being able to post on here, knowing that this place exists, but I'm going to continue and post it because I know the negativity will come back and I need to figure this out so I can work hard to make the positive outweigh the negative in my life.

    So, the major problem is that I had this relationship for years- lived with the girl, almost had a baby but she aborted it, I ended it because she was destroying me psychologically. Then we strung it out for a few years, mostly because she kept begging me and I'm bad at saying no, but eventually I stopped talking to her at all pretty much except for when she would call me to scream at me because she heard somehow that I went to see my own friends.- This was by far the most serious and damaging relationship I have ever had to this day.

    This was all going on while I was living with some family members that promised me our lifestyles wouldn't conflict, and then turned out to be addicted to meth and sat outside my room all the time staying up late and being very loud and stealing things from me while I was working full and part-time jobs at the same time, and trying to be there to help my mom deal with cancer treatments for a very serious cancer.

    During that all of that I was quite suicidal, but I got therapy and it kind of helped. It would have helped much more if I could make enough money to move away again but it hasn't been working out yet.

    So this current issue started about three months after the last call from my ex, screaming at me for seeing my own friends (that went on for years), when she started dating my cousin, and then got pregnant by him.

    I think I could have handled the situation if my father hadn't fought with me endlessly about whether or not I even had an emotion about the situation. At the time, I would be over his house at his request to help him with something, and we would be talking about some upcoming family party and I would sigh and say something like "I don't want to see Betty" (my ex), not even really thinking about it, and he would start trying to argue with me about it. It's not like I was going to attack them or something... Funny thing is, he never even liked my ex, and for good reason too. She wasn't good for me. She's ten years older and very coddling to the point that I lost myself and a business (which has been very financially damaging ever since). She just couldn't handle me living my own life for me. She fought tooth and nail to keep me under her control.

    During that my life was (and is) in financial ruin and I need to apply for a lot of jobs and work really hard to change that, and I would tell my dad this and say I needed to go home but he would just guilt me and tell me there was something "fundamentally wrong" with me, and that I was selfish, and that there's something wrong with me and my generation.

    Now I can't even go to a family function without being thrown into a super negative emotional tailspin that lasts for weeks because I have to see my meth addict cousins, my cousin who just had a child with my ex that I ruined me, and other people in my family that I feel kicked around by...

    So, anyone have any thoughts? Am I crazy like they say I am?

    Of course there are lots of other details and things done wrong on all sides, but it kind of just seems like everyone in this part of my family hates me and doesn't respect me. Like they think I'm there to serve them or just sit and be quiet when somebody does something screwed up to me... All I want is to exercise and work hard so I can get my creditors off my back and maybe have a family one day.

    Any comments appreciated... Just please be nice. I'm pretty sensitive right now... Didn't have much luck on the sensitivity issue on a legal forum I got on. They're so unprofessional!
  2. cant think

    cant think Member

    Hello sir, you are not crazy. There is nothing crazy about your reaction at all. I might not be the best person to offer support because I myself wanted to end everything only 2 days ago. I understand your financial situation may make it hard but you should try and watch a movie at a theater or something like that. You should try to talk to the people that you work with because people are usually more accepting than you think they will be, if you want someone to vent to you can send me a message, and I will respond. You don't need to feel alone, and you may feel crazy but that's because it sounds like you are surrounded by crazy, it seems like normal is an oddity in your family, that isnt meant as something bad, but it sounds to me like your about the only sane person in your life. I also think if you start to talk to the people you work with, you might end up meeting someone that you can be with and if you find someone new it will help you with seeing your cousin with your ex. Please stay safe and know that your not Alone, there will always be people here to listen to you and help you through tough times.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to the forum - I am glad you found us.

    You sound like you are trying to take the right steps in the right direction and have been making more good than bad decisions for some time - it takes a lot of strength to do that. So far as the family function - I simply would not go if I knew or suspected it would be a negative experience. If it is at where you are staying now - get "called to work" , if it is someplace else then either have to work or "be sick". Doesn't matte if anybody believes - just do not have the discussion , you are allowed to decide how to spend your time and there is never an obligation to do something that makes you miserable.
    30 is still plenty of time to find a career or business - not even out of the normal curve really - try to save and work on getting out on your own in any capacity and you will be happier. And block the ex's number in your cell phone. Keep posting and talking with us please and let us know how it is going....

    Take Care

  4. ledz1980

    ledz1980 New Member

    you are def going through a lot of things. hang in there. almost all of my family member are like your. they are all negative and purposly try to hurt the rest of the family members. i am 32 and just realised that the only way im going to get better with all my mental health problem...is to put me first....take care of myself. now, i stay away from certain family members....i have to...or my bipolar will spirl out of control. i dont listen to the mean things they say.....and i dont believe the negative things things they say about. i never argue with them anymore, either. if i do go to a family members house....as soon as they start acting crazy....making drama....i leave right them...without arguing.
  5. jremmy

    jremmy New Member

    Thanks for responding you guys. Sorry I took so long to re-post on here. I'm just figuring out how to use this and have been working a lot too so I don't have a lot of time to get on here... As far as I could see on my phone, nobody had responded to my post, so it's nice to see that you guys did... Seriously, you guys have given me more support in those three messages than my dad's entire family in the last year, except for one aunt. My sister did a couple things to try to help, but mostly just ended up bossing me around and being mean.

    I think that if it was a friend that dated my ex I think they would have been nice to me about it, but since there’s the family politics thing going on they just want me to shut up. Problem is this is way harder than if it was just a friend. A friend doesn’t show up to family parties.

    I feel like there’s a lot more I need to get off my chest but I don’t want to overload you guys… Thanks for being there though. You guys have made a difference.
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