i'm not even sure that i will click "post" but just wanted to vent a bit. i've been feeling good these last two weeks, much improved, not thinking of suicide and feeling quite optimistic about the future. but tonight i just want to cry. the front page of today's newspaper - the irish examiner - was about a brother and sister - teens - who committed suicide here in ireland. the brother took his life 10 weeks ago, she hung herself over the weekend. i just feel so sad reading this. i'm sad for them, that they never got help. i'm sad for their family, to lose two children to suicide. and i'm sad for me, 'cos if i'd succeeded in my last attempt that might have been me. there was another story about the inquest on a mother who drowned herself and her 9 month old baby. so much sadness. had a 5 minute psych appointment this afternoon at the hospital this afternoon - they basically just review your meds and ask you if you still want to harm yourself. sigh. i don't think i mind the quickie appointments so much, but i got a look at my file. My big, fat file. Fuck. How did I end up having a giant file full of "professional" opinions about me and how I've fucked up my life. The top item (I read it upside down while the psych was talking to me) was a letter to my family doctor. Three pages. Ugh. I didn't know that the psych writes updates to the doctor. I wonder what it says? Do you think you are allowed to see your file? I will ask next time I'm in. i guess my biggest worry right now is that i start counselling on monday and i'm scared. i'm scared that if i share what's really in my heart i will have a freak out afterwards and totally meltdown. i have such built in negative reactions to therapy and to sharing things emotionally. i usually go home and cut or get high but i'm not doing either of those things right now. so it's just gonna be me, my head, and my heart all alone in this. c.