Feeling Down

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Illusion, Mar 6, 2011.

  1. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I normally just let moments like these pass on without a word, but I need to just let it out. This will be random, just warning readers now. I'm having a lonely Saturday night. To insecure to go anywhere or meet new people as usual. I feel like I'm 40 something. I don't even look my age either. My step dad says I try to hard to look like a teenage girl and that I should be glad I look like an older woman. I'm not glad about that. Whenever I do go somewhere, I look around and notice I make up the size of 2 average girls. I'm like some fat ass tall whale that gets mistaken for a man. I get talked to like I'm a pet by most people in school and in public. I also feel like nothing but a pet. A pet that walks with her big feet turning inwards since birth (Pigeon-Toed). Ugh.. I'm so jealous of beautiful feminine girls that walk normal! Not long ago I signed up on a site and received 0 hotness votes, 0 comments, and 0 favorites. I checked out other girls that were new to and my age and they had 10+ of each already. I finally got so depressed by it that I said "fuck it, I'm not good enough" and deleted the account. Bleh.. I don't even think my boyfriend loves me either. He only calls me cute names and says he loves me when hes turned on. When hes not, he wont even talk to me or say he loves me. He doesn't call me beautiful or even bother to cheer me up. I don't think its gonna work, but I just wanted to be someones girlfriend so I'd have somewhat of a comfort knowing I belong to someone. Fuck, every relationship I've ever been in has been a long distance lie. I'm nothing more than a toy and a pet. Might as well start walking around with a dog collar. Somebody just kill me please. :cry:
  2. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Seems like I post the same threads over and over... I think I should stop posting .___.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Kit...when we do not feel well, we do not look good to ourselves...I think that many of us can use a touch-up...I hope you begin to see your beauty and that will help you find a way to perceive yourself other than a 'pet'...also know, I have experienced how you feel, in fact I used to call myself, 'dog face'...but thankfully, as I got older, I found myself more attractive because my compassion did add to my beauty...big hugs and hope you find your reflection more attractive, and allow your inner beauty to be more expressed...J
  4. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Awh, thanks for the kind words. ♥
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Keep posting! I've got to have something I can read that I can also relate to! :laugh:

    Those sites where you rate someones looks etc...well they're fuckin' crap, lol. I very very very VERY rarely post my picture on the net, because of insecurity problems etc. Plus it's easier when there's not the chance of someone saying something about how you look. Which for me, is one of the only ways you can 'get to me'. Not much else pisses me off. If you say something about my looks, I'll remember your name.

    And one day, I'll kill you. :)

    Lol :p

    I try not to focus on my looks/not think about it. Because it can get you down pretty quickly when you look as though you've had chicken pox for 1/3 of your life. It's funny to notice but once things started changing(my looks etc etc), the amount of photos I got decreased....a shitload. The only time I ever get a photo is for fucking school(ID card - piece of shit). Other than that...nothing. You have no idea how scary getting a driver's license picture would be...thankfully I didn't pass my learner's test LOL(plus I have no reason to use a car/too many idiots out on the road...). I don't really intend on getting a license either :laugh:. Having a driver instructor in the car would be nerve racking...someone I don't even know....I'll probly end up just driving without a license...lol...I could EASILY drive around my local area without a license. The shops are barely a kilometre away, and the only emergency service you usually see around here are Ambulances(I guess everyone's dropping dead :rolleyes:).

    I've also got the problem with looking older than you really are. I like to always say(in relation to myself) "I haven't looked 16 since I was 12.", and the sad part is, it's probly true. Ever since I started highschool people thought I was in grade 12(senior)??? Lol? :dry: But I guess I don't act like most of the other kids too, so it makes me look out of place....

    (the following bit isn't referring to anyone on SF) It's amusing when someone says something about inner beauty and looks don't matter blah blah blah. Yet the person saying that is actually good looking etc? Like irony? :laugh:

    I do the same thing every day. Well not everyday, it varies minimally. It's easier to just not get attached to people, because no one really knows who I am. Heck, 98% of the kids at school don't even know me prior to 4 years ago. So all they know is the weird, quiet, fugly me. But I can't really remember what I was like before this shitstorm arrived...

    Just hope everyday is a dream, and we're about to wake up :) :hug:
  6. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    I was hoping you would post. You always make me smile cause we're so much alike and that comforts me <3. When I was a freshman last year, people kept asking me was I a senior. This year as a sophomore people still do. Oh gosh, in the 6th grade someone thought I was the teacher. I was so embarrassed. I hate having my picture done at school. I hate even more that they make use our freshman picture on the ID's until we're done with school. I weighed 20 pounds less then than I do now. I was still fat though. I don't want my picture on a license either =_=. I don't even wanna drive that much. I'm scared to drive. To many killer drivers and morons on the road nowadays. Especially in this town. If you drop out around here, you can't get your license until you're 21 anyways and I plan on possibly dropping out. I rather just get a GED someday when I'm not so down. My mom's best friend did that and shes pretty happy now with a husband, good job, and 2 kids. She was bullied and stayed depressed a lot like me. But anyways.. yeah that is ironic for people who are so damn gorgeous to say that looks don't matter. Yeah they don't matter to them cause they already have looks and have nothing to worry about. Rating sites officially suck. I noticed most the girls were posting pics of them in their underwear anyways. My chubby insecure self can just stick to this site, neopets, and facebook. :laugh:
  7. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    ._. Oh of course my boyfriend finally replies to my text I sent 9 hours ago and talks to me for a bit sweetly, then when I mention I've felt down tonight he stops. Wonderful baby, I love you to. :dry:
  8. MistyMaisy

    MistyMaisy Well-Known Member

    Mira, I told you he's not a good bf. :s
    And you are pretty actually. :3 I don't see how anyone could mistake you for a guy(..? Then again, someone mistook me for one, it was funny XD).
    To be honest, Mira, I think people talk to you like you're slow is because they're scared you're gonna punch them in the face. :D (really wouldn't blame you if you did.)
    Imo, I really don't think you should drop out. But, if you're really sure about it and you just want to try the GED test after school, I could help tutor you? 8D I love tutoring; I don't know why. o.o
    YES. They do! It's actually quite sad.. It's like they can't post a pic not being like that 'cause then they won't have so many views. Tbh, I think they're probably insecure themselves and that's why they do it.
    I agree about what people say about it's what's on the inside and not the outside...But most the people that say that are good lookin' anyway. Like prep? Idk o.o
    I actually try to make friends with those people at my school. :3 There's one dude that's TOTALLY weird (like he holds doors open 24/7 when no one is there..) and I just got talking to him 8D He's nice.
    Driving's actually fun though. It feels so free. :3

    *hug* o:
  9. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I still think people talk to me like I'm slow because they're trying to test me and see if I'll snap or not. Well I got news coming to them, I'm about to. Ugh. I just wanna get into one good fight and end some of the bullshit. Or better yet, I just want to fuckin die.
  10. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I absolutely hate ID photos, too. I'm not going on another family vacation because I couldn't stand to get my passport photo taken. I did it once, but the government messed it up, and I can't take going through the ordeal again.
  11. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Yikes. My school ID makes me notice how I lack a neck, have high up broad shoulders and chipmunk cheeks. Sometimes I feel like I was meant to be a boy. I envy my girl cousins that get to wear Hollister, have loving boyfriends, and have feminine looks. I look to much like my father so I get mistaken as a boy a lot.
  12. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I haven't even got my school ID for this year. They get made once we've had our pictures done. We had our pictures taken in february and apparently they're ready now? Or someone said so...meh. I don't even use it anyway...I used to use it when I went to to movies to get a student ticket instead of an adult, but having to drag around an ID for nothing is annoying, and the photo was crap.

    I need to burn all my old ID's. Fucking hate them lying around...
  13. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    lol. Oh! I also hate picture day. My yearbook pictures always turn out fucked up. I get paranoid that someone crosses me out or laughs at my picture with their friends.
  14. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    :laugh:, we get some year book kind of thing in the envelope that has our years grades in it. I'm pretty sure mum just chucks them out lol. On each set of pages, with the year levels, there's like a blurb. Something one of the kids chosen wrote about the group of kids in the year level and what life was like in 'grade X'. Some of the shit that goes in comes off as so pretentious. Like: "What an exciting and fun year it was! blah blah jdfabkfjgaug" -___- like exciting? fun? Uhh...fuck off! Who ever thinks school is 'exciting and fun' needs to me pummeled with a hammer. :tongue:

    The only good thing about year books is being able to find out the name of 'that person' you liked haha XD
  15. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Haha :laugh:. Like I've mention loads of times before, only those with really bad home lives, popular people, nerds and most athletes obsess over school. This has rarely happened, but I'd always hate when they would make us write about the grade level to younger students rising. I felt like a hypocrite trying to be somewhat interesting and positive when with all honesty I know that they don't give a rats ass what I have to say and would probably rip it up like I have with others before. I know I'm mean. :tongue:
  16. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Well he dumped me today and we agreed on the same things so today was a happy breakup. Although I'm left with the feeling that I wasn't pretty/amazing enough for him. Nor will I ever be for anyone. I guess I''ll be one of those crazy cat ladies that screams at people. :nerd:
  17. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'll probly end up the same...I keep having weird visions of what my life might be in like 40 years time. It actually looks quiet fun LOL. Fun for me consists of being away from other people...today made me realise how annoying some pople can be. Somehow I manage to suppress the urge to blurt out "I DONT CARE, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY!" when someone starts rambling or making a HUGE deal out of something. Because after all, Hell is other people. Of course, the chances of me surviving past 18 are very slim, I can do so much more at that age.

    I'd love to be a crazy cat lady(well, man lol). Except instead of cats I'll throw serated boomerangs. lol....:unsure:

    Did he say why he dumped you? I've never been in a relationship and it's probly for the better. I'm someone that likes their space/alone time. I'm not one of the hypo annoying fucks that has to be 'the life of the party' and all that horseshit. If someone mentions ANYTHING to do with being the life of the party or what ever, I suddenly get this feeling like plundging a screwdriver into their head, ya know? :laugh: And I can be a very hard person to like, most people seem to be stuck in the insanity of socialising whereas I'm completely content with staying away from such people. I go on a personal rule of mine: If I like someone, they don't like me. But if someone likes me, chances are I don't like them. Although the latter happens very rarely. And 'going out' with someone seems like so much work these days. I'd rather stay at home and do nothing than go out and do something, LOL. That's why one day I'm gonna go out and buy a few hectares of land and make it into my own little world. Just do what I want, when I want. FREE of other people :smile:.

    I'm way to quiet and introverted for other people. I like it that way. Because they stay the fuck away from me. :)
  18. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    :laugh:. No he didn't tell me why he was breaking up with me, though I guessed that he either missed his pimp lifestyle or found another girl. We weren't that close, the love already died a year ago when he cheated and broke up then. Oh, and with all honesty, it was just a texting relationship. I've never been in a real relationship where you kiss the person, go out with them, etc. Its always been computer or phone stuff. I'm not 'out there' enough for a real date. Hell I've never even kissed anybody. I'm learning to be patient with love though cause if you rush into a relationship with just anybody, especially at my age (15), its not gonna last long or have much of a connection. Random but thinking about the future tends to scare me cause I know as years go by, people get older. I don't want to lose anybody I love, like my parents. I got this comfortable thought planned out that I'm gonna stay at home and help raise my sister since helping the people I love is what I live for. Its my career. Some people can become doctors, lawyers, and all that fancy shizz, but I'm a family girl. I really don't know where I'll go in life once my parents are gone though, especially my mother. I'd just wanna end my life then but don't want her to be disappointed in me. I already feel like I disappoint her deep down cause her brothers kids have big career dreams like doctors and stuff. They have partners, make good grades, and are popular. Me however, I probably wont even finish school, I'll be living at home and people at school are always asking me am I a new student cause they don't know me. Yikes, this is making me cry.. Sorry for my long ramble.

    By the way, I do get what you mean about the 'life of the party' thing being annoying. People like that tend to get on my damn nerves. I love when I meet people that aren't to crazy and out there like me. As a matter of fact, I wish I could date someone for once like that instead of these cocky and crazy fuckerz I somehow run into. I'm starting to notice now that some can get so desperate that they aim at sweet innocent shy girls with low confidence to lure into their trap until someone more on their level comes along. Gosh it felt good to type this much o_o.
  19. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Haha, I'm not out there enough for a 'life' let alone a date, LOL :tongue:. Most of the time the only reason I go outside/leave my place is for school which sucks ass lol. I don't 'go' anywhere or 'do' anything like all the others kids my age seem to be doing. They're like going to shopping centres and stuff. I don't see the point in doing that kind of shit. Like just go to the shops and get your shit then go home yea? :rolleyes:. If anything I'm more of a night person. Not like "omg lets go clubbing and get fucked up??" kind of person, more like "lets go to the shops at like 2 in the morning because I can walk down the middle of the road without getting hit by a car" lol :unsure:. And night time is quiet around here, I'm not really close to the city, so you'll get the occasional car drive by. An 'outting' for me consists of going to the shops for milk :lol!:.

    Plus if someone wanted to go out with me, I would question their sanity :laugh:. I wouldn't bother with a relationship if I ever do until I'm out of school for a few years...because its fairly guaranteed that once people leave school they'd like to meet someone different(im assuming? :unsure:)

    If my parents dropped dead(like both of them at the same time) within the next couple of years, things would go a bit spaz. In my parents Will, all the kids etc go to my Uncle(her brother). He's a nice guy, but he only has one kid. So he'd probly end up moving into our current house or something and selling his. Then of course we've got our dogs, the 3 fuckin' cars, and the other houses we have mortgages on(rental properties blah blah). Our family would be run a lot differently to his, like we swear A SHIT LOAD. When I'm at home, 40-60% of what I might say consists of 'fucks' 'shits' etc etc lol. You just chuck it into a sentence out of habit after a while. Not like it harms anyone anyway :p. I'll probly be living at home my whole life. Or maybe I'll move into some shit hole somewhere. But I'd be likely to just inherit the house we currently live in and do what ever after that(technically speaking, there's enough properties for each of the kids to get atleast one house each but that's not including the actual price of the places).

    I probly won't finish school. I can kinda see shit starting to slide right now...I mean I might finish school but that doesn't mean I passed. I would have just wasted my time. But to be honest I don't really care lol. School fucks my mind over, I would be alot more mentally stable if I didn't have to go. And it might even feel good if I had a job and I could get money to buy stuff. These days i just leach off mum for money. not a shitload i ask for, but it depends on what you include. I dont know what I want to do as a job, because when ever I look at job advertisements or some sought of recruitment ad and it says 'positive/energetic/ambitious/team worker' kind of suitability I basically go "oooook well I guess not that one, LOL". I mean where the fuck are all the boring jobs that aren't stressful?? Like I'm considering even being a cleaner or something random like that, it's fairly structured. School cleaning would be pretty easy, come in the morning, then come in the arvo. Bam ur done. None of this 'positive and energetic' horseshit I see being out around :laugh:.

    Yes it would be good to get someone like yourself. It sucks being different/strange/weird/fucked up/quiet/I hate life kind of person lol. I'm yet to find someone like me, and I guess that's a good thing. But fuck...can't there be someone that actually UNDERSTANDS for once?? The only thing all these other people in our craptastic lives can do is ATTEMPT to comprehend what it's like. So it's like remotely, remotely understanding. Which is....pointless lol.
  20. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    lol, I only get out when I go to school mainly as well. If that cause I'm getting to where I just don't show up hardly. Hell I'm already gonna have to repeat the 10th grade they said, so why bother anymore? School is a waste of time to me. Especially if I already know so much and don't have any major career ideas in mind that require a lot to know. I don't even bother mentioning my school thoughts to most people cause every time I do, they do the ol' "an education is important, gotta make that money, you don't wanna be a lowlife moron, etc" speech. I'm like "yeah, you're book smart but you're not smart". I think most the facts that are taught in school are false anyways. Hell, everyone saw how the zodiac system changed all of a sudden. We were wrong about that and still are probably. Though I think that stuff is made up if you ask me. But anyways.. whenever I'm not in school, I'm less depressed and I'm happier. Its always been that way for me. I really do think as well that once I'm done with school, I'll be better. I know theres stuff like bills and everything, but with all honesty I think I'll have someone helping me out with that since I'm not very independent. Something tells me I'm gonna be put on disability though. One of the reasons my dad is disabled is cause of the social anxiety I inherited from him and his father. Hmph, I sound like a future slacker don't I? I'm not afraid to admit thats what I'll probably be. If not disabled, then doing a simple job that doesn't require much social interaction or skills. Like I said, I can see it now. I'm not able to be on my own and be an average person cause I spazz to easily. Eh, I'm still young though so I'm just seeing where things go.

    But anyways.. I'm a night person to. I feel like people don't notice me as much in the dark. A reason why in school when the lights are off, I'm like :biggrin: but then when they come back on I'm like :blink:. Which reminds me.. the windows already make the rooms bright enough, so why do we need all those fuckin bright ass lights that give me migranes =_=? The lighting in schools/hospitals have always given me and my dad migranes. But yeah.. Seems like every time I act my age for once and do go places with one person or more, something always goes wrong. I don't see how hanging out in a mall for ages is an ideal hangout unless you're gonna buy some stuff or they have a rockin' arcade. Most the people around here just like hanging out there to look sexy, cool, and to bug others. Being in a mall for to long depresses me though cause most the stores clothes I love I can't ever wear. Theres one store I go to for my band t-shirts and another I go to that sells actual stylish plus size stuff but thats it. Haha sorry if I bore you with my rambles. These chats are so fun to me though cause someone finally understands me and is like me for once. Usually my chats with people opposite of me are a snooze fest. I love chatting with people that I can relate to and not fake interest/happiness with. :cool: