Feeling emotionally distant, terrified of the future

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by DrNick1010, Aug 26, 2012.

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  1. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    To be completely honest, I get intimidated by reading really long posts, so I'll try my best to keep it short. I've got insomnia right now because of all this crap building up inside and I have to let it out.

    I'm really terrified about my future.

    The biggest issue I deal with currently is loneliness. Recently, I got a writing fellowship which is a tremendous blessing and I'm so grateful and lucky to have received it. It does however involve me living in a place that's far away from friends and family and I know no one in the area. I'm afraid to be alone. I struggle to get enough writing done because I'm so depressed and preoccupied with my isolation. Worse yet, whenever I talk to friends, even friends I've known for years, I feel like I've lost something with them. There's some kind of detachment and emotional disconnect. It's hard to get past mere small talk with them. I strongly feel that a lot of my emotional immaturity is due to the fact that I've never been very intimate with anyone. There still seems to be an infinite amount of things I've built up that I haven't shared with anyone. I think most people find that kind of stability in a significant other. I haven't dated much. My last girlfriend was two years ago and I haven't dated anyone since her. It's not that I'm hung up either. I just can't seem to meet women and for some messed up reason whenever I get close to having a date or a conversation goes well, I completely shut down. This isn't healthy and it's downright pathetic. It must come as a result of depression.

    Right now I have state health insurance, but I seem to have gotten caught up in some paperwork issues and they might be cutting me off. This really frustrates me because I was thinking that once I get back to my home state and I stop moving around so much, I was going to start looking for therapists. I'm really ready to give it a try, but that may not happen now. I can't afford it without health insurance and who the hell knows when I'll get a real job with benefits.

    I really don't know where I'm going with this post other than as a method to realize what exactly has me so upset lately. I'm really terrified of the next few months. I'm basically alone in this cabin and there's a <edit moderator total eclipse methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i do hope you insurance is not canceled and that you are able to get a therapist that will help you with your depression and your insecurities hun Keep us posted ok keep talking to us It is good you are reaching out here hun hugs
  3. OCD

    OCD Member

    Hey there, I have insomnia too, my advice will be to see some professional help, However you have already said that can't happen, I don't understand those health insurance things, here in England my psychiatrist is for free, health is for free, so I don't get that, he explained to me that I have depression due OCD and cyclothymia,

    I could start telling you things like try to meet a new girl, or try to talk to one of your friends or someone close or get to know new people in your new area , that could work but I don't believe they would understand, it is clear that your problem is the fear of being alone, and far from your friends and family , you have depression and there is a reason for it, could be a personality disorder, I'm not sure how to help but what helped me was to come to understand the reasons why I'm depressed, what helped me was an explanation, and please listen to me now! Do not go to kill yourself! It is not worth taking your life away because of depression and loneliness because it doesn't last forever! I have OCD as I have already said and 50% of OCD people feel suicidal, 15% succeed, I don't think you have that because it doesn't seem as though you have the symptoms , but what I will advise you to do at this moment is to google and search to try to find what it is that is causing your depression, and I'm hoping you will get professional help,

    Sorry that I wrote too much and I hope this reaches you in good health, sorry If i couldn't be helpful. I wish that you could meet a girl that will make you happy,

    Thank you
  4. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    Hey Doc, have you given any thought about some sort of free group sessions in your area? I am only asking because I'm in the same financial situation as you regarding paid therapists. My thinking, for myself, is that it can't hurt and I may be surprised by what I discover. I'm signed up for a meeting in 10 days, so I'll have to report back then :)

    I am constantly confronted with the fact that when it comes to mental and physical health I have to examine the things that I can do. Instead of being angry about my outsider status in this corporate and legalistic society, I have to find the strength and will to take care of myself. Needless to say, I'm not doing a very good job.

    I'd like to get your thoughts, and to be honest I wouldn't mind hearing more about your inspiration to being a writer.
  5. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I'm getting a little teary-eyed just reading your responses. I know people care about me and I know that my friends and family love me, but it's so comforting to know that you care and understand as well. I'm not specifically suicidal right now and I haven't been for at least six months, but I am chronically lonely. Even though I'm not suicidal at the moment, I'm afraid because I spend such a considerable amount of time alone and I don't know how much lower I can get. I'm afraid because there are so many methods around me. While I don't feel capable of it right now, I don't know how much more depressed I'll get and wonder if those mental guards will drop.

    What's really strange with me, I've noticed, is that I seem to have a fear of intimacy or showing emotional weakness. Even though I could reach out to friends, I'm crippled by thoughts like "I just need to get over it," or "I just need to exercise, get out more, and meet some women." My problems seem so insignificant next to the issues that others face. In the past two and a half years, I've supported very close friends in really dire times. Two went through very painful breakups. Another got a divorce. That one ended up turning his back on me later on because he was facing bankruptcy and is an alcoholic and when I and some friends confronted him, he shut down and completely walked away. But that's another story. Another had his mom die very suddenly and unexpectedly. I've always been there for my friends and family when they needed it and I've never asked for emotional support. I guess that's not a very fair way to treat myself, but I do feel like less of a person than they do. I don't ever have relationship issues because I don't have relationships. I don't ever experience the kind of gut-wrenching heartache that comes from a break up because I never put my heart out there.

    The other day, I heard a quote about depression that changed my perspective and really made me rethink my situation. The quote was something about how depression is an illness and it's incredibly difficult to recognize an illness with the illness is with your brain. It really, really makes sense. It has nothing to do with being cynical or having a negative attitude. Depression completely skews your logic and ability to reason.

    Champie, great suggestions with small group therapy sessions. I will have to look into that. I always thought those were more for AA or something like that. I had no idea there were depression groups. I've wanted to be a writer since high school. I could never really figure out exactly what I loved doing best, but I kind of knew it had something to do with teaching and informing people. I used to work as a teacher and I'd like to go back to it as well for a day job. Telling stories and using language in a new and original way has really been a passion of mine for quite some time. I love to write reflective essays on life and short stories that show people the deeper sides to humanity. It probably has something to do with being from the Midwest, which so much of the country writes off as "boring" and "unsophisticated." But there are so many stories to tell here. There's so much to learn from the land. I love looking at the little things especially in nature, like blades of grass or insects or pebbles. Where do pebbles come from? They've probably been around a lot longer than some of us and come from bigger boulders which may have originated in space and maybe those space bits originated inside of stars. It's fun to think about those kinds of things. That's why I write. I write because the clerk at the local gas station has a story too. I write because a drop of water has an ecosystem of its own. And think of how much time, energy, and history have gone into the makeup of a modern car. The world is so much more infinitely complex than we could ever understand.
  6. champie

    champie Well-Known Member


    Thank you for indulging me with your story of beguilement by the obscured complexity and charm of our world! It made me smile thinking of possibility of discovery of new "worlds" every day by way of the smallest course corrections in our perception. Or, in the case of depression, as you mentioned, a re-tuning of our logic and reason.

    A couple months ago I was in a panicked state over my life and I felt that the only thing that kept me from killing myself was that I didn't have anything handy. It was the middle of the night and all I could do was sit in a chair and alternate between crying with my face in my hands and staring blankly in disbelief at the cumulative failure of my life. I really scared myself and wrote a reminder on my computer screen - "Boots on the ground."

    It was a reminder that I insist that the few friends, neighbors, and family I have were to be called in for reinforcement in order to preempt another situation like that night. I got on the phone, texted, and knocked on doors of the people I trusted to let them know I would need them. Nobody hesitated to accept the role I was asking them to fulfill. I am blessed.

    Your needs and methods may be different, but never hesitate to call for boots on the ground from anyone you trust. Remind yourself that doing what is best for you, even when you feel at your worst, is what gives you strength to "get over it." You may feel lonely, but you do not have to be alone, and having reinforcements is a really good opportunity to work on re-tuning your perception.

    I look forward to continuing to chat with you!
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