Feeling ever so alone..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by redmourn, Apr 19, 2007.

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  1. redmourn

    redmourn New Member

    Over the past 8 years, ever since my father died, i've been having thoughts of ending everything. They would come and go with maybe months or even a year or so apart. But recently, it's been happening more and more frequently.

    I've been terribly shy ever since I can remember but i've developed more problems after my dad died. Ever since they, i've hated being left alone. I have problems being around people. Can't take public transport alone. I avoid walking past people in the street (I usually cross the road). More recently, it has affect my education. Me and my brother took the same classes. I found it easy to go with someone familiar around me. He stopped going.. And I just can't bring myself to go alone. I tried going but left an hour later. Haven't been in for months and i've just ruined my chances of making something of myself.

    I've tried talking to my doctor about this and about my suicidal thoughts but he said he didn't have time and asked me to come back.. He doesn't realise how much of an effort it was for me to go there alone and mention this. I can't even talk on the phone with anyone. Not even my family. I'm not very close with my family though..

    After my dad died.. It seemed as if nobody in my family wanted to take care of me. My mother left us when I was about 4 or 5. I used to visit every weekend until I was 13 or so and stopped going. My dad died just after I turned 15. Almost 8 years ago now.. Anyway, my friends mum took me in and looked after me. My family never came to see me. They sometimes came around to ask for money or something. Never just to see me..

    Last year, I decided to move back with my family. My brother had a spare room so I moved in with him. Back in the house I lived in when my dad died.. I thought that moving here would maybe help me with my dads death but I was mistaken :( I think about it a lot more now and it just gets me more and more depressed.

    I have very few friends. 2 to be exact. And one of which I hardly ever see. I don't go out drinking. Don't hang about with my friends much.. Don't really do anything except sit in my room most days.

    I've never had a proper relationship with a girl in my entire life. I met a girl online once whom I fell madly in love with. But she just ended up ignoring me and broke my heart. I slipped back into depression after that. Started having those thoughts again..

    My family still don't visit me. My brother still bullies me :s And uses me to get what he wants. Which is usually money. I feel as if nobody cares about me at all anymore.. My birthday just passed. Didn't get one card or birthday wish. Seems as if i'm just forgotten.. The thoughts of suicide have been constant recently >< And I just don't know if I can last much longer..
     
  2. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    sounds like you'd be better off living alone than with your brother. but that's for you to decide.
     
  3. twilight

    twilight Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you lost your father. I know that he would want you to be happy. I think that being around other people is very important to feeling happy. I can relate to feeling alone. But I didn't really realize that I could change this until I went to college. Friendship requires an effort on both people's parts to remain friends. Could you try to get together with one of your friends? It might make you feel so much better. I have problems with being shy too. Maybe you need to see another doctor about your suicidal thoughts and shyness. Or you could try to see the same one again. That could really help you. Please don't kill yourself though. I know its hard but things can improve. I didn't think I would make friends at college at all but I did. I used to do the same thing that you do now. I used to sit in my room all of the time. I hated it. I felt like I was being suffocated and like I was trapped there. But you're not. Please don't give up.

    Take care :hug:
     
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