I am slowly spiraling downwards tonight. I attended another funeral today (after not going to quite a few over the past years because people who were grieving spent time worrying about me; because the past 10 years I lost 2/3rds of my family and family friends... and because I just basically shut down over that fact). I didn't attend the funeral of the husband to the woman we buried today... the daughter didn't mean it in any negative way when I hugged her and she said "It's good you're here today" but I immediately started blaming myself. I feel guilty about everything. Everything I haven't done... things there's no way I could have done (technically I could have gotten the day off to attend the husbands funeral... but there's other things...). I almost feel guilty for not crying enough... To top it off, I started the day in a weird way too... at the train station on my way to the funeral I had to use the elevator because of my sick spine; when it came a young man was slumped in the corner. I panicked at first; thinking he wasn't breathing but saw that he was... I tried to wake him up asking if he was okay and had to shake his shoulders until he woke up a bit and mumbled something. I didn't know what do next and got out of the elevator. I did see he wasn't wearing a necklace that could have had a tag for diabetes or other things... But I wonder if I should have done more... I've had 6 CPR classes... I hope he was just drunk and still sleeping it out... He might have missed the last train and took shelter in the elevator and fell asleep. I really hope that was it. The 'good' thing though is that it's a glass elevator so I hope someone else tried to wake him too. I have to admit I was about to ignore him... I was worrying he would be on something and would get angry if I woke him... I just have so many bad thoughts in my head... mainly that I'm a failure, an idiot, not a good person etc... Doesn't help that I spent the day 'clinging' to my mother at the funeral... the woman who abused me physically and psychologically all my life; and I'm considering cutting out of my life. And yeah, let's be honest... funerals trigger my suicidal thoughts.