Feeling guilty and inadequate

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Sep 24, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am slowly spiraling downwards tonight.

    I attended another funeral today (after not going to quite a few over the past years because people who were grieving spent time worrying about me; because the past 10 years I lost 2/3rds of my family and family friends... and because I just basically shut down over that fact).

    I didn't attend the funeral of the husband to the woman we buried today... the daughter didn't mean it in any negative way when I hugged her and she said "It's good you're here today" but I immediately started blaming myself.

    I feel guilty about everything. Everything I haven't done... things there's no way I could have done (technically I could have gotten the day off to attend the husbands funeral... but there's other things...). I almost feel guilty for not crying enough...

    To top it off, I started the day in a weird way too... at the train station on my way to the funeral I had to use the elevator because of my sick spine; when it came a young man was slumped in the corner. I panicked at first; thinking he wasn't breathing but saw that he was... I tried to wake him up asking if he was okay and had to shake his shoulders until he woke up a bit and mumbled something. I didn't know what do next and got out of the elevator. I did see he wasn't wearing a necklace that could have had a tag for diabetes or other things...

    But I wonder if I should have done more... I've had 6 CPR classes...

    I hope he was just drunk and still sleeping it out... He might have missed the last train and took shelter in the elevator and fell asleep. I really hope that was it.

    The 'good' thing though is that it's a glass elevator so I hope someone else tried to wake him too.

    I have to admit I was about to ignore him... I was worrying he would be on something and would get angry if I woke him...

    I just have so many bad thoughts in my head... mainly that I'm a failure, an idiot, not a good person etc...

    Doesn't help that I spent the day 'clinging' to my mother at the funeral... the woman who abused me physically and psychologically all my life; and I'm considering cutting out of my life.

    And yeah, let's be honest... funerals trigger my suicidal thoughts.
  2. twinklil

    twinklil Well-Known Member

    Dear ThePhantomLady,
    Like you I find funerals really triggering and really feel for you in the situation that you went through here. It is okay to not take responsibility for someone you come across and to leave that to someone else even if you have had training in CPR he may well of woken angry or worse. Its okay to take care of you first in that situation and its okay to not to be sure what to do. Remember to try not to define yourself by your thoughts when triggered. We know you here and you are a good person, and a very kind one. Seek positive reinforcement in your life here to dispute those negative thoughts that will bring you down. I think at funerals people tend to cling to those that are living and often find themselves embracing people that normally they wouldn't have much to do with such as your mother - maybe just because its a very emotional event and we tend to embrace the living ones there for any kind of comfort - its a very difficult situation. You hugged your friend and just you being there was a support to her. The funerals brought up stuff for you, wondering how you are doing now. I pray that some of the things that came up for you that you are working through with support or whatever way you have found helpful to you.
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