Feeling Guilty for Plans

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lotte, May 20, 2015.

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  1. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    I've been planning to kill myself again, for a while now. I feel terrible about what that would do to my mother. I just feel so awful about it, and yet I still feel a strong urge to kill myself. Hanging around until my mom dies would at least give me some purpose in life, but that could be 40 or more years from now and I don't know if I can do that. I feel like eventually it's going to happen no matter what I do. It's been in my mind for so long and I just want to hurry up and do it before I lose my chance. If I kill myself or not, I lose either way. My mom has been so good to me lately, driving me back and forth everywhere since I got my new place. Always calling to check up on me.... taking walks with me and my dog every day. If I leave her.... my soul will never recover from the guilt and sadness but despite all of that, I still want to kill myself so, so, so badly. I don't want to hurt her. If only there was some way that I could die without her knowing. I feel really disappointed at myself and my life situation, there are things that have happened and feelings I feel that will never go away in this lifetime. It's like I'm just making excuses to die now; I'm over my emotional limit. This is tearing my heart apart.
  2. imars27

    imars27 Member

    you are lucky your mother is there for u.My mother is in bed and i have to take care of her she is disable.Try medicine and counselling.u feel better.
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    What is it that is causing your pain and urge to commit suicide? If you are able to find a way to address those things and then there is no reason to for suicide if we can solve those issues. Lets discuss the things that are causing the urge instead of just focusing on how to make the reasons not to less of an issue?
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You're very lucky to have your mom there for you as I am to have mine too. Mine is my best friend! I would urge you to seek medical help because suicide is not a solution for anything in life, I think you're an amazing person lotte and much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Good luck with your healing process, you CAN beat this. :hugs:
  5. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies. :grouphug1:
    It's just that therapy and medication doesn't seem to be working for me anymore, nor does this site, nor does trying to do it myself. All of my coping skills have just fallen through and I don't really have any specific reason for feeling this way other than the things I've always dealt with my entire life (anxiety, ocd, loneliness, depression, expectations of myself, ptsd, low self esteem, etc.) I mean, I feel fine, I feel numb, I'm not crying for days on end or making myself physically ill. There is nothing pushing me to want to die, which is strange because there usually is... I don't know....
  6. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are feeling so down lotte. The medication doesn't work for me anymore either. I used to have a brilliant mind, but now I can barely take care of myself. It makes me feel so sad. I want to die really badly too, but I'm just not able to do it.
  7. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    i'm in the same boat. i really want to kill myself but i can't because of what it would do to my parents.

    i figure i'll wait at least a couple years to where my parents have settled into retirement ... i don't know

    i found that finding a hobby helps ... i can now envision a long term plan of staying alive for myself, long term meaning like 5 - 10 years, finding a job as a programmer and having a hobby that relates to that ....
  8. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    thank you afterlife and triple a for your replies.
  9. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome. I'm just sorry that you have to feel the way that you do because you seem like a really nice person.
  10. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Like what afterlife said, finding a hobby really does help.
    Search for something that you're passionate about and it can give you the much needed joy you need in your life to keep you going.
    Your mother might be the only thing holding you back from suicide right now, so you've got to find more things that give you a reason to live.
    Try to experience more things, meet more people, and you might find some great things and make some wonderful friends that will support you through the tough times.
    There are so many things that are great about the world, and so many things bad about it, but when you're feeling suicidal, you tend to forget about everything you enjoy about living.
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Maybe try and keep track of your thoughts and feelings. Every time you have an unhelpful thought or you can feel your mood dropping, write it down, write down how you feel and what thoughts are going through your mind and what you were doing when you noticed your mood drop. Sometimes the triggers for our mood dropping are not always blindingly obvious. It takes a while to get used to tracking your thoughts/emotions but when you get into the habit you do learn what things are triggering the drop in mood/hike in anxiety. I found this to be especially useful as I found out what my triggers were, and why. I, like you never really knew why my mood was dropping or why I felt so anxious, so doing this really helped.
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