I've been planning to kill myself again, for a while now. I feel terrible about what that would do to my mother. I just feel so awful about it, and yet I still feel a strong urge to kill myself. Hanging around until my mom dies would at least give me some purpose in life, but that could be 40 or more years from now and I don't know if I can do that. I feel like eventually it's going to happen no matter what I do. It's been in my mind for so long and I just want to hurry up and do it before I lose my chance. If I kill myself or not, I lose either way. My mom has been so good to me lately, driving me back and forth everywhere since I got my new place. Always calling to check up on me.... taking walks with me and my dog every day. If I leave her.... my soul will never recover from the guilt and sadness but despite all of that, I still want to kill myself so, so, so badly. I don't want to hurt her. If only there was some way that I could die without her knowing. I feel really disappointed at myself and my life situation, there are things that have happened and feelings I feel that will never go away in this lifetime. It's like I'm just making excuses to die now; I'm over my emotional limit. This is tearing my heart apart.