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feeling has never left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by squirt20, Jan 12, 2007.

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  1. squirt20

    squirt20 New Member

    so i first got depressed about 2 years ago december. i got treatment in march the next year. its almost been a year since that. something has occured since then- went off to college (leaving boyfriend behind).

    tonight i just collapsed. recently ive been searching for a roommate. now im shy, really shy. i asked about everyone i could......even got kicked out of the plan of living with my sis and her roommates next year. 10 rejections. nothing will ever make u feel so rejected in your life!

    im still with my boyfriend. it was hard (i got really depressed when i left). i see him often, but i feel so alone without him here. and when i call him, somedays he seems like hes interested, but others, not so much (and hes the one i call for comfort) my major problem when i first came down here was that i make friends with guys more than i do girls, so i had many guy friends, but i was very confused at the same time about me and my boyfriend.

    i also hate the way i look. ever since ive been down here, its been hoody's an occasional hat, and jeans, which is me. i got glasses too. but watching sorority girls walking around like barbies, my self-esteem sinks. tonight, when i look in the mirror, i just break down crying. usually i just frown upon myself. i wish i could make myself more attractive. sure, my boyfriend says im beautiful, but how can i believe that when he still checks out other girls...

    ive gotten help. im on meds(been slacking on them lately - forgetting about it) but even when i am on them, im sad.

    recently i have cut myself twice this year (not across the wrist, but on my hand and upper arm so i could look at them and remember not to go back to feeling that way). and the urge is still there (not gonna lie).

    my moms so overwhelming with this whole thing. thats the one reason i like being at school, cause she cant reach me all the time, its up to me when she can.

    ive tried everything it seems like, therapy (since march of last year), meds, stress relaxers(like drawing or playing music). nothing seems to work. and so
    when i get really down, i feel like thats my time to go, what else is there to live for.

    i am open to any suggestions, heck, thats why im writing on here. trying something new.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that I have no suggestions, but wanted to say that I truly understand your frustration, as I have experienced similar feelings, and I hope there is some relief for you in all that you are attempting to do...also wanted to give you props for your determination...big hugs, Jackie
  3. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    :eek:hmy: I can't believe you said that. I really can't.

    You're pissed off at the world - I get that. But I don't think this was appropriate or helpful in the least. How does this help? If you want to rant, by all means, rant. But there are others forums for it (such as "let it all out").

    Squirt is looking for understanding, comfort, compassion, and suggestions on how she can feel better. Not to hear people tell her that her problems are <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - quotes edited part of post> and that she shouldn't try to feel better, but get bitter and lash out instead. :blink: That's not helpful at all. :dry:

    And for the record... telling someone who's depressed that their problems are <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - quotes edited part of post> is very hurtful. It makes the person feel invalidated, crazy, and like it's their fault.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2007
  4. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Squirt... a lot of what you said sounds like me. I applaud you for trying to help yourself. I wish I had something I could suggest, but my mind's not working too well tonight. What I can offer right now, though, is :hug: and support. I'm here for you. If you ever want to talk, you can PM me or reach me on msn.

    p.s. as for your boyfriend looking at other girls, hun.... that's pretty normal. It doesn't have anything to do with you. I've been married for 14 years and I know my husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. But he still looks. Know how I deal with it? I tell myself that if he can't appreciate beauty in others, then how can he think I'm beautiful? :biggrin:
  5. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Don't let the fact that your boyfriend checks out other women make you think you're unattractive. He'll check other girls regardless of whether you're attractive or not. It's the nature of guys. If he didn't, then you should worry about his sexual orientation.
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Honestly, everyone has problems, no matter how big or small. But I find it kind of insensitive by saying that, considering you don't know the person, also, even Hypocondria is a real illness (not saying any of you are just trying to make a point) I also want to congradulate you for hanging in there, because I know hoe hard life can be, big problem or small, they all count and it is hard to deal with things anymore. But I beleive you are a strong person and you can make it! You can message me anytime at all, I would enjoy talking with you. Hang in there sweetie, :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
  7. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that the feeling can and does leave. The urge does go away eventually. You must be patient with yourself. 12 years ago...suicide was a night and day urge....thoughts of nothing to live for consumed my life. I no longer have the desire, urge, or thoughts of ending my life. Its been 8 years now. So, it does get better.

    It sounds like you have been getting some help and some support. And that's great. I would not have made it without support. Support is necessary. And, I had to do my part as well. I had to choose to stay alive. Now, I wake up every morning saying "I'm alive, I'm alive...thank God I'm alive." I had to learn how to cope with life and you will too. You can't do it alone.

    You wanna know a secret to becoming the most attractive woman in the world? Inner beauty goes so much further than external beauty. Inner beauty is much more attractive than external beauty that's only skin deep. Don't compare yourself to ANYONE. There's no one like you on the planet! You are unique! Be the most beautiful you on the inside. that is the kind of beauty that REAL MEN find irresistible.

    What else is there to live for, you asked. You're going to have to stay alive to find out! You have a good life in front of you. You need support to find ways to cope with the times when life doesn't give you exactly what you want in that moment. Life gets better when we learn how to navigate through it. You can make it! Hold on! Things will get better.

    God bless,
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