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Feeling hollow

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by I-like-clowns, Sep 11, 2009.

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  1. I-like-clowns

    I-like-clowns Member

    Ever since I first got diagnosed with depression years ago, I could always tell if was coming. This almost hollow yet pressured feeling in my chest and I usually end up in tears soon after.
    I still eat but I hardly sleep anymore, I barely get through work and due to not sleeping I live off energy drinks just to keep myself conscious., then I stay awake until I pass out at the computer.
    My brain decides to stop working sometimes, I just forget what Im doing, or what I'm meant to be doing. And during one of those episodes I walked right into into oncoming traffic but in the end I was fine.
    Another thing was passing out with the heater on, aimed squarely at my flammable bedding, I can't remember if I meant it or not, but a family of member of mine found me got me to bed and turned it off.

    Speaking of which I live with a sister whose damaged my teenage hood and isn't helping my adult life. I couldn't sleep over until I was 21, couldn't hang out with guys until after uni, during uni I had to come straight home to make sure I wasn't getting up to anything. Especially since my sister stressed I could never think about getting a boyfriend until she did, she's older then me you see, she's had rough things in her life and I'm expected to have the same. I don't deserve to have things going good for me, 'cause it hasn't happened to her yet even if other good things do.

    I've been screamed at even when I'm reduced to huddling like a ball in tears, every little mistake I do I'm punished in such a way for days, and if I don't apologise constantly it continues until I do, cause I'm always the one whose at fault even if what I did wrong was unintentional.

    I haven't gotten anywhere in life, I just work a part time job which takes all the weekend time I had with the 2 friends I have left so I don't see them much anymore, but maybe it's better, that way I can stop being a burden to them too.

    I keep loosing so many things, sometimes I get so angry at myself I've even hit myself a few times because I feel like I deserve it.

    I'm tired of being wrong always, of never doing the right thing or getting anywhere. Of being a burden on the few people who I have left. Though make that one, i think Im just a venting dump for my other friend too.
    She doesnt yell though but she always has more pressing problems like having to do housework or having to help pay a few bills around the house.

    I used to think my pets would distract me but their hold on my wanting to live is slipping away, Im sure other people could take care of them jsut as well.

    I keep going to sleep and wishing I could just never wake up.

    I can't go to a psychologist and even if I could, Im stuck in my home and so long as I am I wont ever improve, and since I wont ever leave and wont ever imrpove I wonder why bother.

    It's all too much, and every time I ask for help all I get is see a psychologist, funny how no matter how often I explain why I can't I still get told the same thing.

    Guess it's 'cause Im not helpable or something.

    Guess I rant when I'm depressed but it's okay, one last shout at life before the last threads of my will to live finally snap.

    I don't want to be lonely anymore
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay, you can rant as much as you need to.

    I'm not trying to sound like everyone else, but I really am curious why you can't see a psychologist or therapist? I know you mentioned being stuck in the house; is there any way you can get out, even take public transportation or something?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If i were you i would look at moving out getting somewhere more healthy and away from your sisters outburst. depression need to be treated with meds GP can order them You have part time job move out and rent a room from someone else and start living your life not your sisters. take care
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and Welcome..glad you found us...there are so many ppl here who understand that I am sure you will not feel lonely...welcome again, and big hugs, J
  5. I-like-clowns

    I-like-clowns Member

    Guess there's a few reasons, one being my family, usually my sister, needs to know where I am or what im doing or who Im with at almost every given moment. And doesnt matter how I go I don't 'need' one.

    And I know if by some pure stroke of luck I convinve them I need it all I'll do is get even more restrictions on my life, I'd probably need to be escorted just to go to the toilet but don't think I'll get anymore support for it, I'll still be yelled at for being such a waste and drain on people.
    I barely have freedom in life as is loosing that would definantly be the end of any hope I have left for myself.

    Another is I dont see a point, the only way I could see myself ever improving is by being away from this house but that won't happen, I cant even support myself finanically let alone mentally so what good would it do hearing from another person that you need ot get out and then that's all they'll say. I've heard it so many times it's like a broken record to my ears.

    I'm shaking and in tears I don't know how to cope, I feel so scared it's hard, it's so very hard. I keep looking at things and wishing I could just finish it all now and not have to worry anymore
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums.

    I hope it helped to get all that off your chest!!
    When you were diagnosed with depression were you offered any further help? Medication or the like?
    Your sister shouldn't be controlling you like that. To be honest, it sounds like she needs to seek help. How much older than you is she?
    Why can't you see a psychologist? I'm stuck at home too, I know how that feels, the loneliness does get too much at times, talking online helps, so maybe if you made a few friends online( Sf is the best place to start :) ) you could start opening up and get your feelings out instead of bottling them up inside.
    Keep talking if it helps, we're listening x
  7. I-like-clowns

    I-like-clowns Member

    she's 6 years older. she works a full time teaching job, she loves the students it doesnt matter hwta they do. They have lives, they have friends boyfriends smoke or drink even but theyre still her friends.
    she's always been the most financial in my household and makes a point of it, she went to uni, got a job, got some sense of a life. I dont. And with the rate Im going down I dont think I will.

    I've been on meds in the past, all they did was make me gain weight.

    I got tired of the doctor looking at me like I was an annoyance, I dont take meds anymore.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Ok,I understand.

    I'm in pretty much the same situation as you but I am working towards getting out of it and I know that it will get better, I really hope you will do the same, it is never too late to get the job you want, you still have time to get back into studying, even 40-50 y/o go back to college these days, don't give up hope. I wish you the best :hug:
  9. I-like-clowns

    I-like-clowns Member

    I dont think ill live to see 40-50 if this keeps, in fact if it keeps this way i can only hope Im strong enough to give up on myself then continue on a meaningless existance.
  10. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Why wont she let you have fun? ask her that. every human deserves freedom and a life. screw safety.
  11. I-like-clowns

    I-like-clowns Member

    'Cause apprently I can't take care of myself, I trust people too easily or Im not aware enough of surrounding or I sit next to the old man on the tram but oh no men are evil....unless she chooses to sit there she can take care ofherself. I cant apprently.

    And should something happen to me who else would be the sponge to her abuse?

    I spent most of this morning at work trying to keep concious, I hardly slept, couldn't eat, rarely does my depression go all through the night and well into the day withot letting up.

    It is getting worse, maybe it's better that way, coping is such a hastle now.
  12. I-like-clowns

    I-like-clowns Member

    I've had enough, I always feel lonely, depressed, and am verbally abused for every accidental mistake i make. A fish tank of mine leaked on carpet, bam, verbal abuse volley, I'm home 10 minutes late, bam verbal abuse volley.

    I'm always alone, perhaps I'm annoying, I assume I'm worthless to even talk too.

    I tried but I failed just like I fail everything else in life.

    Think it's time to start making plans, the tears are there's nothing left to feel.
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