Feeling hopeless

[Regina Filangie]

I am in crisis and have found myself thinking about suicide more & more. I am the mother of a 23 son who is sucking the life out of me. A bit of history to help explain how I got to this point- Since he graduated high school 4 years ago, it has been one thing after another. My husband and I gave him my old car – a perfectly nice used Honda Civic – and he trashed it. We then bought him a used truck and he ruined that too. Eventually, he lost his license altogether. We sent him to college twice and he flunked out after a semester each time. He proceeded to find and then get fired from several jobs. He bounced from apartment to apartment with a few friends before moving back in with us. While he lived with us, he was messy to the point of it being disgusting and unhealthy, came & went at all hours, would leave for the day or night without locking the door, etc. After a year of living with us, he still couldn’t find a job. We live in a small town with few job opportunities for someone his age and no public transportation. After many discussions, we agreed to help him move to a bigger city with better prospects. We found him an apartment, paid 6 months of rent in advance, bought him everything he needed to set up his place and paid all of his living expenses until he found a job – which he did 3 months later. He worked there for 10 months before getting fired and once again, we had to resume paying all of his bills. That was 3.5 months ago and he still hasn’t found work. We just sent him one last check that will cover all of his expenses through the end of January, but after that my hands are tied. My husband has said flat out that he will not allow him to move back in with us and we are not going to send him anymore money. That if he chooses to be homeless, that’s his issue and we can no longer be responsible for him. He has told me that if I can’t accept that then I have to make a choice – my husband or my son. If I move my son back home, my husband is moving out. Please don’t tell me that he wouldn’t really leave if it came down to it, because even if he did stay – I know him well enough to know that it would create huge problems in our marriage. The sad thing is that I agree we have to cut our son off because it doesn’t help him if we keep enabling. The problem is I know my mother will step in and give him money that she really can’t afford to spare. Obviously, I don’t want my son to be homeless, but I don’t want my mother taking on a financial burden that she can’t handle. She’s still at the point where she feels like nothing is my sons fault and we should continue to help him. I just feel so hopeless and really want to die because there really is no happy ending here. If I back up my husband, I’m faced with causing my mother a huge financial burden and hurting our relationship in the process. If I tell her not to help him, I have to face the thought of my child living on the streets in a big city, and if I move him home, I risk losing the one good thing in my life – which is my husband. We’ve had a long and happy marriage and I can’t even begin to fathom a life without him – or a life of resenting my own son. In all honesty, if I knew for a fact there was an afterlife, I would not hesitate to end it all. I feel so helpless, so backed into a corner. Forgive my long post, I just don’t have anyone I can talk to.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi hun i hear you been there with my daughter as well she is 24 but finally we had to just let her go and in doing so she has grown ok You are enabling your son he will never be independant of you as long as there is someone there to bail him out. He is not learning a thing Your mother you need to tell her outright no more enabling Your son if he has worked can get unemployment for awhile until he gets another job which he will do if you back off now. I k now it is hard the worries i know but he will find his way if you let him ok
There is shelters he can go to he can apply for government help but he should not be able to continue to play havoc on your marriage. Let him grow ok Your mother will do what she will do but inform her she is not helping your son she is harming him You hold onto your husband ok through these tough times i had to my girl is small and she coped on the street she found shelter and so will your son they are smarter then we think hun hugs to you