My DBT therapist hasn't called me back even though I've paged her twice today. It makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong but how many times am I supposed to try? I had an awful day. I exercised this morning with my coaches but it didn't bring me any pleasure or even contentment. I had suicidal thoughts which haven't been as prevalent these last couple of weeks. I don't really want to die but I'm tired of living this way. My whole family seems happy aside from me. I'm so depressed and I hate the weekends where I am expected to do things but don't get to see a therapist. How can I make it through a shift of work tomorrow? I wish I could escape from the world and heal somewhere. I almost wish I was in a residential hospital but the only options are locked, impatient units where there is not the slightest chance of finding happiness or hope. I need to fill the void in me but I don't know how. I don't feel connected to anyone aside from some of my therapists. What can I do tonight? Watching TV or using the computer makes me feel gross for some reason. I got stuck in my old patterns again today. I was supposed to go on a college visit with my mom then later go out to eat and to some event but instead I stayed in my bed and slept on and off. I disappointed my mom and myself and am left with feelings of regret. I am hating my life this moment and wish there was SOMETHING to make me feel better. Anything. Someone to listen to me and understand me. Someone to help me feel good about myself when I feel so low. I probably won't get into that college now that on my record it will show I didn't show up. I am so miserable and everything seems so hopeless. Someone or something help me.