I have been living with depression since I was a teenager. Things were better in my 20s and early thirties, but it has been downhill since. I am now 45 and my life is a dissapointment. I never married and my longest relationship was about a month about 11 years ago. I have struggled with weight issues my entire life, now morbidly obese (it hurts and is shameful to write that) and I also have alcohol abuse issues. Fortunately I have a decent job working with the elderly which can be rewarding, but recently had some job reassignment which makes me feel like I've been demoted. Things got bad this summer and I ended up hospitalized and in partial hospitalization due to feeling very suicidal. It was better for a couple of months but now I am back to feeling suicidal and drinking. I see a psychologist who I like but am very frustrated with the fact that I don't want to stop drinking and am self sabatoging. I feel like it is all my fault that I continue to feel so depressed. I am very hopeless that I will ever get better because I just don't have what it takes to make the effort to do things to improve my situation. I have what I hope are xxxx to be able to kill myself and my xxxx and it should do the job. My last session with my therapist was just horrible because I feel like I can't do anything cognitively to change my thoughts and I feel like I am such a disappointment and untreatable. I don't have friends and my family doesn't know what to do to help me and I know I worry my mom. My new years resolution was to kill myself in 2011. It just helps to let someone know how I feel.