I keep getting these random thoughts (seconds) of happiness but overall I feel very depressed and hopeless yet again. I feel that I am a relatively strong person, but when it comes to relationships, I am by far the most sensitive person in the whole entire world. I get totally consumed in being with people when I'm in a relationship, and when I'm not in one I feel beyond worthless. Everyone always says that relationships shouldn't define who you are, but I just don't feel that way. I feel I have been treated very poorly over the years and I don't see a future in anything anymore, I don't want to keep pushing and I don't want to keep searching for things that aren't really there. I am in my mid-20's and I feel my life has no purpose and has lost its meaning totally, actually I don't ever think my life has had a purpose. I have jumped from relationship to relationship trying to find substance in my life and have found none. I got married almost 2 years ago, and it lasted about 2 months (I am a female who was a victim of domestic violence and mental abuse). I left my partner because I feared for my life, and ever since then I have literally been lost and depressed and completely hopeless. I went to therapy and I was started on anti-depressants. I have been minorly involved with people and have been single for a year and a half, until recently. I got involved in a 3 months relationship, where we literally broke up every other day. I suffered from a miscarriage and was hospitalized from it (I didn't know I was pregnant and my crazy party lifestyle is probably what caused it). Not one person came to see me, not even the guy I was involved with then. I got consumed in this last relationship because it seemed like I could have a future with someone else, he claimed he wanted to marry me, that I was "the One" and so forth. He ended up permanently leaving me (telling me I was annoying and stupid and that he was fed up with me and that he will find someone better) while I was sick with Strep Throat and the flu. All of this sent me over the edge again and my depression has worsened, I saw my doctor to get help and he doubled my antidepressants (I went from 20mgs of Celexa to 40mgs of Celexa). I feel miserably heartbroken and beyond depressed again. I am barely holding on to my job. (I was out of work for 3 weeks in November due to Clinical Depression and my adjustment to medication). I can't afford to lose my job, but I also can't focus or get any part of my life together, all I want to do it cry, eat, and sleep for endless days. I do modeling work... and I feel I can't uphold my image anymore, I have gained weight (usually when Im depressed I lose weight because I can't eat), but this time it seems to be my only comfort, so I am also in danger of losing my side job as well. I'm tird of being used and abused and would be so much happier if I was in heaven and if my mind would finally rest and stop overthinking, I have had a headache for days now. I just want to crawl up into a huge hole and never come out ever again.