Feeling Hopeless

I keep getting these random thoughts (seconds) of happiness but overall I feel very depressed and hopeless yet again.

I feel that I am a relatively strong person, but when it comes to relationships, I am by far the most sensitive person in the whole entire world. I get totally consumed in being with people when I'm in a relationship, and when I'm not in one I feel beyond worthless. Everyone always says that relationships shouldn't define who you are, but I just don't feel that way.

I feel I have been treated very poorly over the years and I don't see a future in anything anymore, I don't want to keep pushing and I don't want to keep searching for things that aren't really there.

I am in my mid-20's and I feel my life has no purpose and has lost its meaning totally, actually I don't ever think my life has had a purpose.

I have jumped from relationship to relationship trying to find substance in my life and have found none. I got married almost 2 years ago, and it lasted about 2 months (I am a female who was a victim of domestic violence and mental abuse). I left my partner because I feared for my life, and ever since then I have literally been lost and depressed and completely hopeless. I went to therapy and I was started on anti-depressants.

I have been minorly involved with people and have been single for a year and a half, until recently. I got involved in a 3 months relationship, where we literally broke up every other day. I suffered from a miscarriage and was hospitalized from it (I didn't know I was pregnant and my crazy party lifestyle is probably what caused it). Not one person came to see me, not even the guy I was involved with then.

I got consumed in this last relationship because it seemed like I could have a future with someone else, he claimed he wanted to marry me, that I was "the One" and so forth. He ended up permanently leaving me (telling me I was annoying and stupid and that he was fed up with me and that he will find someone better) while I was sick with Strep Throat and the flu. All of this sent me over the edge again and my depression has worsened, I saw my doctor to get help and he doubled my antidepressants (I went from 20mgs of Celexa to 40mgs of Celexa).

I feel miserably heartbroken and beyond depressed again. I am barely holding on to my job. (I was out of work for 3 weeks in November due to Clinical Depression and my adjustment to medication). I can't afford to lose my job, but I also can't focus or get any part of my life together, all I want to do it cry, eat, and sleep for endless days.

I do modeling work... and I feel I can't uphold my image anymore, I have gained weight (usually when Im depressed I lose weight because I can't eat), but this time it seems to be my only comfort, so I am also in danger of losing my side job as well.

I'm tird of being used and abused and would be so much happier if I was in heaven and if my mind would finally rest and stop overthinking, I have had a headache for days now.

I just want to crawl up into a huge hole and never come out ever again.

 

Hi I am sorry you are feeling so low. I do hope the increase in meds help you. You do need to look after you only right now okay don't worry about relationships you at this point are in no shape for that. You have to get yourself strong mentally You have to be able to stand on your own before going into a relationship First get the meds working again if this one does not work try a different type of antidepressant get into therapy okay You still have time to obtain a positive relationship but that won't happen until you yourself are able to take care of you first hugs

 

I am hoping the medication does help and thank you for writing to me. I really hopes it only takes a couple of weeks this time, because I really don't want to wait so long this time.

 

Ihope it will only day a short time before the med increase helps as well. It being in your system already it shouldn't take too long Maybe ask your doc about adding to the meds as well something for anxiety as well as depression i don't know when you get the right medication everything can change for the better hugs to you