First of all, I'd like to say greetings to you all, and a very big thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my post. I get nervous posting publicly on a forum my feelings and is my first time ever, so if you feel you can't understand anything within the post, let me know. For the past 5 years now, I've been feeling really depressed, mentally and emotionally. I don't know the cause of it, however. My only guess is from being alone. Well, it actually all started when I went to middle school, I began to get teased alot by many students, right in front of the entire class and teacher. I remember in one middle school I had a milk carton throwned at my face for no apparent reason by a random student out of nowhere. Many, if not all, students thought it was hilarious. I also went into a class one day to help a teacher out with delivering her papers to another teacher. I also had to sharpen pencils for her as well. During the 5th time I had to come in, one student spoke up out loudly, I quote, "Dude, would you stop coming in here." I know to most this may not seem much, but it was very depressing to me because the whole class laughed afterwords.
After switching from 3 different middle schools and ending up back to the worsest one, I somehow managed to get into high school. High school wasn't as bad as Middle School, but was certainly not good neither. During 9th grade, I was switched to much smaller classes so it wasn't as worse when I was in big classes, which actually helped me out alot. Unfortunatly, Gym Class was the worst. My T.E. Teacher even thought I was a wimp and could not amount to anything. She even thought the students were correct when they always put me down and said I couldn't play "this and that" very well. Of course, I get the opposite when playing with friends. The only thing was I only always had 1 friend through most of school. After that first year of 9th grade, I failed and had to retake it. I had to also retake 9th grade P.E., which wasn't much of a problem to me. It went the same way as usual however, cept the thing is I had a crush on one of the girls in it. One of the most things I'll probaly never forget is the day this one jock who was a football player, the girl I had a crush on, and 2 girls which were her friends, sat in a group together. I overheard the one of her friends say, "He keeps staring at me." Which I knew was me because she always claimed I did which I didn't.... and then the jock spoke up and said, "That guy!? He's so lazy they should make him do 9 miles around the track." Then the girl I had a crush on looked at me and they all started laughing... At that time I wanted to tell him how I wanted to shoot him with an AK47 90x in his head or until it was busted in pieces. (Sorry got a bit angry there. If you feel you need to delete that part then please do so.) I became very upset... especially because the girl I had a crush on laughed as well... however, that wasn't the first time.
Skipping a bit ahead so I don't waste anyone's time, I passed 9th grade that year and was moved up to 11th. That year, I knew a girl named Tiffany, who told the girl I had a crush on, that I liked her and what not. She gave her my e-mail and asked me who I was. I did write out who I was, and even messaged her that very day. I thought the first day went along very well, but I also found out that I was correct about the whole gym class making fun of me... So anyways, the 2nd day I speak to her, it doesn't go to well because I didn't know what to say, which is often for me. Then the 3rd day I tried it all just messed up... I made a mistake and I thought she ignored me. I had a best friend of mine who I knew for 2-3 years after PSO, and he knew how I liked her at the first sight and what not. I told him how I felt and he spoke to her... apparently, she was angry at the fact that he knew her AIM which was my fault, and I do understand that. But she said I liked her to much and to move on.
Of course, I can't. Mainly because I see no point to move on. Of course many people may say, it's only the first time rejected... it has not. It actually started in 1st grade when I had a crush on this one girl I was friends with and didn't like me back but took advantage of the fact I liked her and used me to do things. Then comes another time in 6th grade when I liked this one girl she threatened to get her bf on me cause I liked her. Then a time when one of my friends felt the need to hook me up with a girl he knew. First sight she saw of me, she exclaimed to him, "Hell no." and literally... ran away....
Technically, I have feel no use to move on in this world alone. I'm only going to end up dieing alone. I want no friends really, I want to find love. But I cannot. I am to ugly, fat, worthless, useless, and lazy... according to everyone's opinion... there was even a time a girl exclaimed I was the ugliest guy in school and most of them agreed. Only one person knows truly how I feel and feels I'm only looking for attention. That only provokes me now to show everyone that I "can" do it. Sad thing is, I planned to do it with the most powerfullest shotgun I could buy.
The torment however, did not stop at school, it went home with me to. My father was a pure drunk, my mother a crack head, along with my sister. I even have bad hearing thanks to an incident my dad took and busted me accross my head with his fist when I was 12 and was playing on the computer. He exclaimed I smart mouthed him, when my mother (who was sober at the time) claimed I said nothing at all. Unfortunatly, because of my mothers addiction, (which she is now doing a bit better since she got help) I live with my father, who continues to put me down regularly... Each day that goes by it becomes worser and worser, to the point where I want to just stop waiting for the money to ably buy a shotgun, and to get the ID to prove I'm 18 (which is law standards here where I live.), and just drown myself.
I am terribly sorry for all the writing, I really do hope I did not destroy someones day, or even wasted anyone's time. If I did, I am again terribly sorry....
After switching from 3 different middle schools and ending up back to the worsest one, I somehow managed to get into high school. High school wasn't as bad as Middle School, but was certainly not good neither. During 9th grade, I was switched to much smaller classes so it wasn't as worse when I was in big classes, which actually helped me out alot. Unfortunatly, Gym Class was the worst. My T.E. Teacher even thought I was a wimp and could not amount to anything. She even thought the students were correct when they always put me down and said I couldn't play "this and that" very well. Of course, I get the opposite when playing with friends. The only thing was I only always had 1 friend through most of school. After that first year of 9th grade, I failed and had to retake it. I had to also retake 9th grade P.E., which wasn't much of a problem to me. It went the same way as usual however, cept the thing is I had a crush on one of the girls in it. One of the most things I'll probaly never forget is the day this one jock who was a football player, the girl I had a crush on, and 2 girls which were her friends, sat in a group together. I overheard the one of her friends say, "He keeps staring at me." Which I knew was me because she always claimed I did which I didn't.... and then the jock spoke up and said, "That guy!? He's so lazy they should make him do 9 miles around the track." Then the girl I had a crush on looked at me and they all started laughing... At that time I wanted to tell him how I wanted to shoot him with an AK47 90x in his head or until it was busted in pieces. (Sorry got a bit angry there. If you feel you need to delete that part then please do so.) I became very upset... especially because the girl I had a crush on laughed as well... however, that wasn't the first time.
Skipping a bit ahead so I don't waste anyone's time, I passed 9th grade that year and was moved up to 11th. That year, I knew a girl named Tiffany, who told the girl I had a crush on, that I liked her and what not. She gave her my e-mail and asked me who I was. I did write out who I was, and even messaged her that very day. I thought the first day went along very well, but I also found out that I was correct about the whole gym class making fun of me... So anyways, the 2nd day I speak to her, it doesn't go to well because I didn't know what to say, which is often for me. Then the 3rd day I tried it all just messed up... I made a mistake and I thought she ignored me. I had a best friend of mine who I knew for 2-3 years after PSO, and he knew how I liked her at the first sight and what not. I told him how I felt and he spoke to her... apparently, she was angry at the fact that he knew her AIM which was my fault, and I do understand that. But she said I liked her to much and to move on.
Of course, I can't. Mainly because I see no point to move on. Of course many people may say, it's only the first time rejected... it has not. It actually started in 1st grade when I had a crush on this one girl I was friends with and didn't like me back but took advantage of the fact I liked her and used me to do things. Then comes another time in 6th grade when I liked this one girl she threatened to get her bf on me cause I liked her. Then a time when one of my friends felt the need to hook me up with a girl he knew. First sight she saw of me, she exclaimed to him, "Hell no." and literally... ran away....
Technically, I have feel no use to move on in this world alone. I'm only going to end up dieing alone. I want no friends really, I want to find love. But I cannot. I am to ugly, fat, worthless, useless, and lazy... according to everyone's opinion... there was even a time a girl exclaimed I was the ugliest guy in school and most of them agreed. Only one person knows truly how I feel and feels I'm only looking for attention. That only provokes me now to show everyone that I "can" do it. Sad thing is, I planned to do it with the most powerfullest shotgun I could buy.
The torment however, did not stop at school, it went home with me to. My father was a pure drunk, my mother a crack head, along with my sister. I even have bad hearing thanks to an incident my dad took and busted me accross my head with his fist when I was 12 and was playing on the computer. He exclaimed I smart mouthed him, when my mother (who was sober at the time) claimed I said nothing at all. Unfortunatly, because of my mothers addiction, (which she is now doing a bit better since she got help) I live with my father, who continues to put me down regularly... Each day that goes by it becomes worser and worser, to the point where I want to just stop waiting for the money to ably buy a shotgun, and to get the ID to prove I'm 18 (which is law standards here where I live.), and just drown myself.
I am terribly sorry for all the writing, I really do hope I did not destroy someones day, or even wasted anyone's time. If I did, I am again terribly sorry....