Feeling Hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chuckdawg, Oct 23, 2006.

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  1. Chuckdawg

    Chuckdawg Member

    First of all, I'd like to say greetings to you all, and a very big thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my post. I get nervous posting publicly on a forum my feelings and is my first time ever, so if you feel you can't understand anything within the post, let me know. For the past 5 years now, I've been feeling really depressed, mentally and emotionally. I don't know the cause of it, however. My only guess is from being alone. Well, it actually all started when I went to middle school, I began to get teased alot by many students, right in front of the entire class and teacher. I remember in one middle school I had a milk carton throwned at my face for no apparent reason by a random student out of nowhere. Many, if not all, students thought it was hilarious. I also went into a class one day to help a teacher out with delivering her papers to another teacher. I also had to sharpen pencils for her as well. During the 5th time I had to come in, one student spoke up out loudly, I quote, "Dude, would you stop coming in here." I know to most this may not seem much, but it was very depressing to me because the whole class laughed afterwords.

    After switching from 3 different middle schools and ending up back to the worsest one, I somehow managed to get into high school. High school wasn't as bad as Middle School, but was certainly not good neither. During 9th grade, I was switched to much smaller classes so it wasn't as worse when I was in big classes, which actually helped me out alot. Unfortunatly, Gym Class was the worst. My T.E. Teacher even thought I was a wimp and could not amount to anything. She even thought the students were correct when they always put me down and said I couldn't play "this and that" very well. Of course, I get the opposite when playing with friends. The only thing was I only always had 1 friend through most of school. After that first year of 9th grade, I failed and had to retake it. I had to also retake 9th grade P.E., which wasn't much of a problem to me. It went the same way as usual however, cept the thing is I had a crush on one of the girls in it. One of the most things I'll probaly never forget is the day this one jock who was a football player, the girl I had a crush on, and 2 girls which were her friends, sat in a group together. I overheard the one of her friends say, "He keeps staring at me." Which I knew was me because she always claimed I did which I didn't.... and then the jock spoke up and said, "That guy!? He's so lazy they should make him do 9 miles around the track." Then the girl I had a crush on looked at me and they all started laughing... At that time I wanted to tell him how I wanted to shoot him with an AK47 90x in his head or until it was busted in pieces. (Sorry got a bit angry there. If you feel you need to delete that part then please do so.) I became very upset... especially because the girl I had a crush on laughed as well... however, that wasn't the first time.

    Skipping a bit ahead so I don't waste anyone's time, I passed 9th grade that year and was moved up to 11th. That year, I knew a girl named Tiffany, who told the girl I had a crush on, that I liked her and what not. She gave her my e-mail and asked me who I was. I did write out who I was, and even messaged her that very day. I thought the first day went along very well, but I also found out that I was correct about the whole gym class making fun of me... So anyways, the 2nd day I speak to her, it doesn't go to well because I didn't know what to say, which is often for me. Then the 3rd day I tried it all just messed up... I made a mistake and I thought she ignored me. I had a best friend of mine who I knew for 2-3 years after PSO, and he knew how I liked her at the first sight and what not. I told him how I felt and he spoke to her... apparently, she was angry at the fact that he knew her AIM which was my fault, and I do understand that. But she said I liked her to much and to move on.

    Of course, I can't. Mainly because I see no point to move on. Of course many people may say, it's only the first time rejected... it has not. It actually started in 1st grade when I had a crush on this one girl I was friends with and didn't like me back but took advantage of the fact I liked her and used me to do things. Then comes another time in 6th grade when I liked this one girl she threatened to get her bf on me cause I liked her. Then a time when one of my friends felt the need to hook me up with a girl he knew. First sight she saw of me, she exclaimed to him, "Hell no." and literally... ran away....

    Technically, I have feel no use to move on in this world alone. I'm only going to end up dieing alone. I want no friends really, I want to find love. But I cannot. I am to ugly, fat, worthless, useless, and lazy... according to everyone's opinion... there was even a time a girl exclaimed I was the ugliest guy in school and most of them agreed. Only one person knows truly how I feel and feels I'm only looking for attention. That only provokes me now to show everyone that I "can" do it. Sad thing is, I planned to do it with the most powerfullest shotgun I could buy.

    The torment however, did not stop at school, it went home with me to. My father was a pure drunk, my mother a crack head, along with my sister. I even have bad hearing thanks to an incident my dad took and busted me accross my head with his fist when I was 12 and was playing on the computer. He exclaimed I smart mouthed him, when my mother (who was sober at the time) claimed I said nothing at all. Unfortunatly, because of my mothers addiction, (which she is now doing a bit better since she got help) I live with my father, who continues to put me down regularly... Each day that goes by it becomes worser and worser, to the point where I want to just stop waiting for the money to ably buy a shotgun, and to get the ID to prove I'm 18 (which is law standards here where I live.), and just drown myself.

    I am terribly sorry for all the writing, I really do hope I did not destroy someones day, or even wasted anyone's time. If I did, I am again terribly sorry....
  2. sadness2006

    sadness2006 Member

    Hey man,
    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so helpless. I know what's it's like to be picked on in school. I graduated in 03. I hope you know that just because a few jocks made fun of you, that doesen't mean you're really a loser. It's funny, when I was in highschool only a few girls liked me, but now that I've been out of highschool, so many more women pay attention to me. In highschool, if you're not a football player, you're like an outcast and worthless to so many people. That's simply not true in reality my friend. Just because you don't play football doesen't mean you're not worth anything. I hope you get through your pain, I know I have never met you, but I know you're life is worth living. You can be on your own if you wish, you're at that age, it would be hard, but it's certainly doable. If you think you're overweight, go for a run and eat healthy. Highschool is the hardest part of many peoples lives. I could care less now what any of those people said about me. They didn't know me then, and I don't want them to know me now
  3. Chuckdawg

    Chuckdawg Member

    Thank you, sadness2006. I really do appreciate your comment. I been excercising alot over the past months and I've been told by some that I'm far from overweight/fat, but I still feel I can't attract ANY women... and concerned by the fact that I'm 18 and haven't even had my first kiss yet... which is really sad imo. To me, I just don't attract women, AT ALL. All I want is one person to love and live the rest of my life with.... however, that'll never happen at my state... To me... I just don't really see a point in living anymore.

    When I also lost weight my parents and family took Credit for it like everything else... which they didn't do jack.. I was encouraged to by the girl I had a crush on ... I lost like 167 pounds and she still rubbed it all in my face. :/
  4. DepressionII

    DepressionII Well-Known Member

    Hey bro,

    I was bullied terribly in primary school, not because I had weight problems, but because I thought differently, had other opinions on things, and basically didn't fit into the fucking private high-school mould that was that elitist piece of shit. As a result, I spent most of my high school life in a very misanthropic and hateful state of mind. I wasn't really bullied, a little in the early years, but people would sometimes make fun of my long hair and taste in (metal) music.

    It really does seem like wat sadness said is right; if you aren't a sport player, you seem to be nothing. I'm really sorry you had to go through that kind of thing. And about that teacher thing, it doesn't seem like much when reading, but because while you are out the front of the class, the wretched little cuntfart that sold you out has got 24 of his buddies to swarm around him and make him feel like the king. It was actually one of my very biggest fears.

    The very people that mocked me during my high school years are now trying to keep in contact with me because they can't bear to cut and run from their mindless little lives, and they have nothing but fear for the future, why is this? Because these vile little worms HAVE no future. You should be proud of what you've been through and survived man. Of course you won't feel like it inside, but I would say its definitely something to be proud of, all you have battled and achieved.
  5. Chuckdawg

    Chuckdawg Member

    It's not really high school things that trigger it anymore, to be honest, it's the fact that I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life. :dry:
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ahhh long posts are great no?

    I can completely relate to the torments at school and home though. Even in college people did not like me. I am in band and have been for the past 4 years of my college career. And for 3 of those years maybe 5 people knew my name. Otherwise I was known as "the guy who talks to himself". Lucky for me I have always been a wuss since kids started making fun of me in Pre-school so I have never had the rejection thing and I don't care. But I guess I am lucky as people just stopped noticing I was there. And really the only reason the people who are nice to me now are nice to me to use me, which is just fine because I am nothing in this world.

    My only advice for you is to run as far as you can. Get away from that place. Unlike me you sound like you have hope. You are some what social and normal. If you go to a place far away where you have a blank slate you might just fit in... a movie comes to mind it is called The New Guy
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