I don't know what to do anymore. I have two ways I feel I can go through with this but I know its wrong. Losing a dear friend of mine and seeing people grieve... Im also doing a suicide prevention walk and here I am... Im such a hypocrite and tired of being so disappointing to everyone in my life. I take care of my grandmother who is also my best friend and she has back problems, all she wants to do is die and give up. I could go on about my life struggles but its like... what is the point. Im so scared of the future. I was supposed to go to school this year, my senior year, and that isn't happening. I'm stuck home and its so so hard to live at home again. I have no one to talk to, and I don't want to complete suicide... but I feel like... so quick... just so quick... I have no idea... I had a bad trip recently and I feel like ever since my mind isn't right... there is something wrong with me. I don't want to be this person anymore, this black sheep in my family that screws up all the time. I don't know what to do... I've been taking Ativan as a prescribed med, and I don't know if that can cause depression. I know I want to be happy and succeed at life but theres another me that just can't handle this... and I know so many people who have it worse than me. I'm so pathetic and fricken weak it's unbelievable... I don't know who I am. Is it normal to be this way, to be so sad all the time? To constantly struggle? It's like... I'm not living for myself, I live for other people.