Feeling Horrible

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SummersOver, Sep 1, 2013.

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  1. SummersOver

    SummersOver Member

    I don't know what to do anymore. I have two ways I feel I can go through with this but I know its wrong. Losing a dear friend of mine and seeing people grieve... Im also doing a suicide prevention walk and here I am... Im such a hypocrite and tired of being so disappointing to everyone in my life. I take care of my grandmother who is also my best friend and she has back problems, all she wants to do is die and give up. I could go on about my life struggles but its like... what is the point. Im so scared of the future. I was supposed to go to school this year, my senior year, and that isn't happening. I'm stuck home and its so so hard to live at home again. I have no one to talk to, and I don't want to complete suicide... but I feel like... so quick... just so quick... I have no idea... I had a bad trip recently and I feel like ever since my mind isn't right... there is something wrong with me. I don't want to be this person anymore, this black sheep in my family that screws up all the time. I don't know what to do... I've been taking Ativan as a prescribed med, and I don't know if that can cause depression. I know I want to be happy and succeed at life but theres another me that just can't handle this... and I know so many people who have it worse than me. I'm so pathetic and fricken weak it's unbelievable... I don't know who I am. Is it normal to be this way, to be so sad all the time? To constantly struggle? It's like... I'm not living for myself, I live for other people.
     
  2. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Hi, SummersOver,

    I'm glad to have you here. I'm sorry that you need help, but I'm so glad you came to get help.

    You are not a hypocrite! Listen, I write prescriptions for people with mental illnesses, and here I am, coming to this board looking for help because I feel suicidal. I started in my profession because I know how terrible mental illness can be, and I really want to be able to help other people who struggle with it. I figure, who knows better how badly my patients need the help. Now, look at you! You are doing a suicide prevention walk...that's a beautiful thing! You suffer with wanting to die, so you are taking a stand and fighting to help fix the problem - not just for yourself, but for all the other people who share the same kind of suffering. Who knows better how badly help is needed? Who has more of a right to fight for the changes that are needed to help yourself and other people like you? Like us?

    I know the future is scary. :hug: You don't have to be so hard on yourself. Many people have it worse than you? Maybe, maybe not. Most people don't have depressive and anxiety disorders, so they have the cards stacked more in their favor than you do. Having depression, you are fighting a dragon most people don't have to face. Give yourself some credit. The struggles you have are unique to you, and no one else knows how easy or difficult they are for you. So any progress you make, even just a little, celebrate it; if you worked hard for it, then it is significant.

    I'm glad you're here. Welcome :)
     
  3. SummersOver

    SummersOver Member

    Thanks, you make it sound really significant when you put it that way. I just feel wrong, some days I can be fine and so happy and then one wrong comment from someone and it's like my day spirals so fast. I get whiplash and I abuse things... and its wrong. But I don't know how to deal with it... I just lost my insurance so I wont be able to get ativan soon which is freaking me out.. and Im so scared that this bad trip I had... what if I made everything so much worse. I haven't had the chance but... and my psychiatrist doesn't (nor now will she know) she only thought I had panic attacks. But I hallucinate sometimes and that didnt happen until after.. I dont want to be here. And now... I feel so lost. Im sitting in my room and I have no idea.... Thank you though you made me feel somewhat better... and you don't even know me... and your being so nice.
     
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