Feeling Horrible!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaish, May 22, 2014.

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  1. Kaish

    Kaish Well-Known Member

    Life is so painful right now. This entire week has been a nightmare, I have not slept in about 36 hours. Part of me is afraid to sleep. I think I don't want to feel better. I just sit here and think about how I'm to blame. It seems unfair really, but had I not suffered an anxiety attack on Sunday than perhaps I would've taken the news two days ago better. He's willing to do what I want, but I know he's mad at me. He's going through a stressful time at work and now I'm causing him more stress. I can't imagine my life without him, I can't imagine him mad at me either, and I'm in that situation. I do have to admit I fell asleep for about a half hour and I feel guilt over it, like I can't relate to the feelings anymore. It's heartbreaking on my side, but my side really doesn't matter. I'm tired right now and somewhat tempted to do something harmful. I wish I could fall asleep for a real long time. Whether that be forever or a coma. Both would be fine with me. I've never been one to express my disapproval. It's easier to suffer than put up with the stress of conflict. In this case I should have followed that guideline. I should have kept my mouth shut. The part that sucks is knowing deep down it's not my fault and I have no control. It's the woman who butted her way into our relationship. Now I sit here questioning everything. Perhaps I'm nothing special to this guy. Perhaps I'm fooling myself. I've never had reason to believe it in the past, but now I question everything. My insecurity has never been so high.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, and I hope that you can get some sleep soon. here if you need to talk or vent :hug:
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun sorry to hear what you are going through. Personally I think you should consult a doctor about your sleeping issues if you haven't already I do hope you begin to feel better soon. xxx And drop me a PM if you feel the need to talk to someone. Best of luck :hug:
     
  4. Kaish

    Kaish Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies, guys. I did manage to get some sleep and for a period of time did feel better, but I am having such a crisis right now. The crisis line is of no use because they only have one person and all she does is tell me what to do. She won't even let me say what's bothering me. I feel like I want to take a handful of sleeping pills and just sleep for hours, or possibly even attempt suicide. I'm in so much pain right now, this month has been nothing but setbacks. I'm so insecure about myself right now, and the person I had to lean on I don't have at the moment. I've really messed things up.

    In case anyone's interested, here's my story... I was fired from my job back in March. I decided not to rush to find a new job, as it gave me a chance to find myself. I did so well in April and loved life. I taught myself new coping habits and at the end of the month I thought I should take another month to make sure the new habits stick. Bad idea!! This month has been nothing but horrible, and the strange thing is things I did the first week, feel like just yesterday. I have so little memory of this month.

    In April I split my learning into weeks. I've tried doing that this month, but have done nothing but fail. Last week I had major anxiety over my inability to form proper sentences. I set a date however to go out and feel better, but doing that caused me even more anxiety. I came home and started working on a project for my boyfriend. I was feeling so good about it, later I talked to him and we planned a road trip for when he comes to visit me, he lives in London, England. I live in Las Vegas. We planned out this vacation to the Grand Canyon, but after he said goodnight to me, 20 minutes later he messaged me on Facebook saying someone else wants to and is coming. I don't like the person and found it so disrespectful she would do this. I burst into tears and debated what to do. I ended up telling him it's not okay that she come. He told me whatever I want goes and that he values my friendship more than the other person, but later I saw him publicly say his excitement for the trip is slowly draining. He later deleted it, but that doesn't change the facts.

    It's so hard for me to move on. We have not talked since this happened and I feel somewhat like a failure. I did not do well to express my feelings and now they're sour feelings between us. We are not broken up, but I don't know how he feels about me. I feel I need to give him space. It goes without saying also that all the excitement I was feeling is down the drain and I also don't know how to feel. I still love him and regret doing this to him, but don't know how to move on. Part of the reason I put off looking for a new job is so I could prepare for him coming. Now I don't have the excitement, and I don't feel ready to look for a new job. I just don't know what to do.
     
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello, I hpe you don’t mind I wanted to reply to some of the things you wrote in the last post to maybe give you some ideas, so bear with me and I hope I make sense!
    Perhaps because April was so successful you put undue pressure on yourself in May, thinking perhaps it would work out the same – I think the key is to be gentle with yourself there is a lot going on and you need to take it one thing at a time otherwise it may become overwhelming.

    I think it is awesome April went well, so yes maybe you will fall in May because you are still learning your coping techniques and perhaps you need to take more time to learn what works and what does not, sadly that does mean it might not work out all the time and you feel back at square one.

    You could perhaps volunteer for a few days a week somewhere to distract yourself and prepare yourself to go back into work? It is just a thought because you could pick your hours etc, and days and a lot of charities you can volunteer at pay travel and lunch expenses.

    With your Boyfriend issue perhaps talking to him about how you feel is worth a shot you said you have not talked since, so maybe have a skype session and lay everything out, we can only regret the things we do not say and I know for one long distance things can quickly escalate as I well I know I have sometimes presumed things and got them worked up in my head, but please don’t think I am saying this is true of you!

    Anyway I will stop rambling now I hope I made sense.

    Take Care

    Rich
     
  6. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    I 100% agree with Rich. I feel like if there's a problem, just address it. Easier said than done, but miscommunication and letting things build up will only make you question what each other are thinking rather than actually knowing. I hope everything gets better and just think, at this rate, June will be another amazing month!
     
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