Life is so painful right now. This entire week has been a nightmare, I have not slept in about 36 hours. Part of me is afraid to sleep. I think I don't want to feel better. I just sit here and think about how I'm to blame. It seems unfair really, but had I not suffered an anxiety attack on Sunday than perhaps I would've taken the news two days ago better. He's willing to do what I want, but I know he's mad at me. He's going through a stressful time at work and now I'm causing him more stress. I can't imagine my life without him, I can't imagine him mad at me either, and I'm in that situation. I do have to admit I fell asleep for about a half hour and I feel guilt over it, like I can't relate to the feelings anymore. It's heartbreaking on my side, but my side really doesn't matter. I'm tired right now and somewhat tempted to do something harmful. I wish I could fall asleep for a real long time. Whether that be forever or a coma. Both would be fine with me. I've never been one to express my disapproval. It's easier to suffer than put up with the stress of conflict. In this case I should have followed that guideline. I should have kept my mouth shut. The part that sucks is knowing deep down it's not my fault and I have no control. It's the woman who butted her way into our relationship. Now I sit here questioning everything. Perhaps I'm nothing special to this guy. Perhaps I'm fooling myself. I've never had reason to believe it in the past, but now I question everything. My insecurity has never been so high.