Feeling ill

[Shadowlands]

I have not really eaten now since thursday. I have only eaten a few apples and yoghurts, and drinks (non-alchoholic -I don't see the point getting wasted) a day. Strangely I don't even feel hungry. On sunday I had a headache and probably some fever. Now, at least I don't have a headache but when I went to the shop I felt weak. I hope it's serious, but I don't think I'm that lucky. That would save a lot of trouble.

 

[Cestmoi]

If it turns to something really serious and horribly painful, I would not call that luck.

 

[Freddy]

I've been feeling ill for not eating as well. I still cant stand the nausea.

 

[Shadowlands]

Well, I ate a pizza. Not exactly health food, but like give a damn. Doesn't change me feeling crappy, or maybe it makes me feel even crappier. Strange.

 

[Xian]

Shadow, you can actually go quite a while on no food. Your body is using it's storage of fat for what little energy you need... It looks like your depression has shut your body down.
There may not be much we can say to comfort you, but please know that you can move on, you can wake up, you can renew yourself. Look inside yourself and you will find a survivor.

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.
--Ignatius

 

[Shadowlands]

I know. Since I am not really not eating, but just not eating well (I ran out of apples though), I would live for years. Not so sure about surviving though. I've heard most excuses already to the sound "You'll be happy some day somewhere", with a muffled "Just don't be doing it right here. This is my spot". I don't blame them. Part of their happiness is that I am not there ruining it. I don't like myself. Why should they. I hope others can be happy about their lives, but I don't want to stick around watching them.

I almost killed myself back in the army. I had already stolen a live rifle bullet and when I was on watch I took my gun to the desk to be supposedly cleaned, which was actually against the regulations but I was a sargent so there were no questions asked. Everything was set. I should have taken the bullet then. Missed a good change.

 

[Shadowlands]

I conducted a scientific experiment: I went jogging and with the energy of one pizza I could run 3.2 km (2 miles for the metrically impaired) in quarter of a hour. I almost passed out after that so it was pretty well spent. Usually I could run 3 to 4 km in 20 to 30 min.

 

[LucyLou]

There are people that eat nothing for years, people that suffer from anorexia.

Are you not eating on purpose or have you just naturally lost ur apptitte?

 

[Shadowlands]

I'll go with natural option, but others can debate on that. I just don't feel like eating. I don't see the point right now.

 

[LucyLou]

Whats wrong then hun? Why dont you see the point?

Even if your not eating, are you taking vitamin supplyments or anything like that?

 

[Shadowlands]

Life just generally sucks. Not that is sucked less before but now it really sucks. I left my previous job because that absolutely sucked and now I cannot get another. There was just so much I really wanted to do and what I thought would be really great but now I cannot do anything. Why do I have these ideas if they are no good at all? I stopped trying. When I run out of the rest of the money in my bank I check out. I rather be nothing than a desk clerk somewhere doing absolutely meaningless chores no-one really even cares about.

 

[LucyLou]

There was just so much I really wanted to do and what I thought would be really great but now I cannot do anything.

What were those things that you really wanted to do?

 

[Shadowlands]

I am mathematician by education. I wanted to system modelling. Logic, algebra, probabilities and all that. Like in the series Numbers, but I suck I guess. I think now that it is not their fault that I could not sell that. Probably would not have worked anyway.

I had a million ideas. I wanted to draw, paint, do carpentry, write books and poems, scientific articles and solve problems people had, but I could not get the out of my head. Years ago I stopped drawing because I wanted to imagine things and keep them secret. It also should have developed my mind. It is like counting in your head. Using paper and pens and you can never learn without them. Only that then nothing I did ever seemed as beautiful as it was when it was still in my head. Tiny flaws that creep up from the corners and ruin everything. I lose games of chess because of the dumbest mistkakes. It is as if the connection between my mind and the physical word is broken. Trying harder did not help. That only brings more flaws. Then came the tiredness. If I could sleep all the time I would. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want it to stop.

 

[LucyLou]

Maths = Alien to me lol (maybe you can teach me some stuff)

I have always believed that if you want to do something then you can!

I believe that you can do whatever you want and i believe that because you sound like you know what you want in life, you know where your going wrong, i think you should think again about what makes you happy and really try for it...

You having problems sleeping?? Why not draw whilst your in bed, might help to get out some thoughts and express your feelings through your art...

Maybe you should hit me up some time on msn..

 

[Shadowlands]

The thing in logic is to watch how things fall into place. You can do it if you appreciate it. It is no different from music or poetry. I would like to think that it is not about getting the right answer but about seeing the path to it. Just like a piece of music: You don't only look at the title and then listen how it ends. Then again my mind is a mess. I cannot really tell anyone how to solve anything.

Like I said, trying harder just leads to more failures. I am tired of it. I wish I did not wake again in the morning but I still do. Oh, crap!

 

[Shadowlands]

There's chinese restaurant around the block where there's buffet for 9 bucks. I wonder how they feel about me fasting for a week and then go traipsing there and eat for three people.


Still feel like crap though.