Feeling it right now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by twc, Jun 18, 2010.

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  1. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Saw an old friend a few nights ago. Saw the look in his eyes when I talked about my life. How quickly he went away, looking over his shoulder as he left. Doesn't feel good. I feel...beyond sick.

    I am really overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like things might be ok, but not now. I am really sick of myself. It's like there is just no way to undo all these disturbing things that have happened. Things are really...ruined. The problem is that I have been screwed up and isolated for so long, it is dominating every relationship I have. Every one. Everyone is disgusted. I am disgusted. I can barely identify with myself.

    What a fucking nightmare.
     
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I think it's in your head and not everybody thinks like you about yourself. You're depressed and it's that that affects you. I wish I had a miracle solution. When I feel like that, I come here and talk, I write, and it helps. There're lots of people like you here, me included by moments. So talk to us, keep on releasing.
     
  3. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Starting to hear the birds chirping outside my window. Isn't that the worst? It's guaranteed that it was a bad night.

    What the hell am I going to do about my life? What am I going to do with this wreckage? What am I going to do with this shame? I feel like all these thoughts and emotions are catching up to me in a hurry, and spilling out all over the place.
     
  4. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response.

    I am so sick of feeling like I am in a nightmare every day. Day after day. It's relentless.
     
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    i don't know what you said the other night but don't take it too personally...
    people who don't suffer with depression, etc. just don't understand and don't know what to do or say...:unsure:
     
  6. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Let your emotions be then. It's not a shame to cry, it does good.
     
  7. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Do you see a professional?
     
  8. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    The self-destruction within me is so strong. So twisted...it's eaten my personality. I refuse to recognize this sick, sad thing that used to be me. I can't stand looking in the mirror.
     
  9. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Yeah, just talked to her yesterday. Less than 12 hours ago. Will talk to her today if I can. I'm not sure how much it will help.

    I'll probably fall asleep eventually.
     
  10. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Don't give up seeing her, it takes time before it helps. Do you have any treatment for depression?
     
  11. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    I've had all kinds of therapy for years and years and years. Too much, really.

    I think I might just leave the country. Go to Canada for a while or something. Puerto Rico. Not a great plan...at this point, I don't think anything will help as long as I am where I am. I need a clean break.
     
  12. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    There, you answered your own question to what you need. You need a change in your life. Can you do it?
     
  13. twc

    twc Well-Known Member


    I can catch a plane or train. I'm not sure if that will change anything really. It's a wild shot in the dark.

    There has got to be some way...I have to pretend to believe.
     
  14. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm just trying to help you think about a solution :)

    I have to move now, but you can PM me if you want, or go to the chat, they helped me there.
     
  15. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    I feel like I have to literally outrun my nightmare life. Go faster than it can catch up. It's not enough just to feel desperate and do nothing.

    Just your basic I-cant-deal-with-this-shit-anymore freakout.


    Just read your last post. Thanks, Scully. I'll probably leave the computer soon.
     
  16. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Went outside, came back. I think I'm too tired to go far this morning.

    Ugh.
     
  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Don't look down on yourself for not being able to go far.. Walking out the front door was a big step in itself..Try taking it a little farther each day..Are there any groups you can join there?? Anything that interests you?? For instance a good friend of mine who suffers as much as we do bought a telescope and spends the evenings looking at the moon and the stars..I myself am going to take up painting again when I can afford all the supplies..I really suck at it but it's a nice distraction from being all clammed up in my own thoughts..I hope you are able to find something to help you have a little peace..
     
  18. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Hey thanks Stranger1, feeling a bit better. Had some breakfast and reached my therapist. Probably not going to write any more today.

    Just a really bad night.
     
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