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Feeling less than human

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Brokenness, Apr 16, 2013.

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  1. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    From infancy until 17 I was sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused. The sexual abuse was from three family members and two family friends. I rarely had a break of more than a month between incidents. My parents knew of it and did nothing. My father was the one physically abusive, broke my rib and bloody my nose couple times, broke my tail bone from kicking me. He would also call me names, horrible things and demean and belittle. A couple times I would fight back, especially in regards to the sexual abuse, but I suffered for it, by being beaten. I had to learn to watch ppl and look for signs all the time that some abuse would occur soon. I learned to hide in my own home. It made me the Queen of hide and seek. I could write a whole book on this hell... But what I want to say most is:

    This abuse has made me feel not entirely human, not worthy, not like a "real person"

    I see people enjoying things and happy, and wonder what it's like to be a real person.

    I know I shouldn't blame myself, I don't really but... This feeling of being "less" persists.

    It makes me feel worthless and unclean and undeserving and makes me hate. Hate hate hate hate myself.

    I'm terrified of gaps in memories, I know and am aware of very bad incidents, so the ones my brain is hiding from me... Must be truly horrific.

    Please please please God make this all go away.....
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear about the horrific abuse you endured whilst growing up. It is unforgiveable and my heart really does go out to you. You are human and you deserve nothing but good things in life. The people who abused you are the MONSTERS and not human who are underseving and can't even be classed as people.

    I hope you are in therapy for this abuse. With time, hopefully you will get to know your real self and begin to like yourself again :)
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree with Butterfly hun they are inhuman they are the monsters the low lifes not you hun hugs to you
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    As well as therapy there are self help groups and helplines for survivors of sexual abuse. Get all the support you can. You do deserve it.
    The memory gaps may not be hiding even more horrific things. Our brain switches off when we've had enough. Hugs
  5. Jay1981

    Jay1981 Well-Known Member

    "... This feeling of being "less" persists. It makes me feel _worthless_ and _unclean_..." -- the effect of being sexually abused - I can identify (to a large extent) with that; I was sexually abused between the ages of 3 and 9 - it takes a massive amount of work to get through this -- as mentioned above, please try to access available resources, and otherwise share and reach out, to help you cope and process. I've read quite a few books that were of some help to me -- a couple that *may* be of some benefit to you : 'Breaking the Chains of Abuse: A Practical Guide for Survivors' (Sue Atkinson) and 'Fractured [Living Nine Lives to Escape My Own]' (Ruth Dee). Please stay safe; take care...
  6. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I will try those books.
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