I'm not really sure what to say here, and I'm pretty sure it won't help that much because I'll say it all wrong anyhow, but I'll give it a go. God, I feel like I'm being driven MAD with longing. I hate feeling like this and I know that it's messing up my life. You have no idea how many times in the last few months I've cried in bed at night just wishing I was straight, that I was normal - as if that would make my situation much easier. I can't explain to you how much pain and joy this one guy is causing me on a day-to-day basis. He's friendly to me, and sometimes, when he looks at me without saying anything with those fucking amazing green eyes, I feel like he might like me... But then one of his friends comes along, and it's like I don't even exist. One minute, I THINK he likes me, and the next, I know the truth; he only talks to me out of boredom. I look back on every single conversation I have with him and I kick myself for being so boring, for telling such lame analogies and for laughing in my silly little girly giggle whenever he tells me a joke. But god, he makes me laugh. He's so ditsy and so beautiful and almost everything he's ever said and done when his friends aren't around, when he's not trying to impress anyone, makes me smile. I feel like I'm too young to feel this way about anyone - it's probably just another stupid teenage crush, but that doesn't make it not a big deal for me. I don't want to be around him any longer - having to fall in love with him every day, with his little faint freckles and those fucking, fucking green eyes, and be hurled into anxiety and sadness whenever I'm ignored, whenever I feel like I'm nothing to him. He's so popular and so awesome and so hot, why would he want me? Even if he wasn't straight - and in my more realistic moments I know that he is - what's appealing about me that other people don't have 10fold of? I wish I could move away. I wish I didn't have to see him. I wish I could get on with my own life and not feel so inferior all the time. I'll never have him, but it doesn't stop me dreaming of him at night, and thinking of him all the time.