Feeling like a dead duck

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by contemplating, Feb 5, 2010.

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  1. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    Sitting in the library watching people conduct theirs lives. Mothers bring their children in, students file in for their school work, and I sit at the front door with despair carving down my chest like a farmers plow. I am desperate for change, positive change not the same painful memories of days past. I want to be appreciated and respected. I want to move out of Colorado, and leave its long cold winters.
    I feel that I can't, but more importantly won't work in society anymore. Screw the rat race, money is the root of all evil. I use to be in the hi-fidelity, first class traveling, but I stifle my vomit thinking of joining the club again. I sit here existing, breathing in air, cringing at the onslaught of tomorrow. Music is my only friend now. Reading others posts on this site only compounds my feelings of this cruel world, and what others are capable of, people can't see past their own means. This life has taught me to bear the unbearable with a smile on my face.

    An older woman just waved at me, she must see me sitting hear day to day for the past 3 weeks.

    Anyway I'll be here if anyone wants to talk. :troll:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How great she cared and waved there is compassion and caring people that we have to be open to as well. Open our eyes and see not only the ugliness but the beauty as well It only takes one gesture to make somebody feel like they matter take care of you okay
  3. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    I appreciate where you are coming from, but I really want to be invisible. I don't have the energy to see good at the moment, nor walk out in front of a bus. When I see children I want to cry because I will soon lose that joy of being with my girls. They are all so pure and innocent.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry your feeling so down and yes being invisible helps to a point but i am glad you can come here for some support I understand the need to just fade away i do.
  5. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    I'm in such despair. I contacted my mother, but am afraid of returning to her do to our tumultuous past. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm terrified, I can't tell anyone especially my x. I use to depend on her constantly, but I know that she does not have the energy anymore to help me. I screwed up my life. Thanks for caring, it means a lot to me.
  6. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    feeling much better today. i spoke with my mother, that seemed to help me pull myself together. Thanks for listening.
  7. contemplating

    contemplating Member

    Gary and Sue know what's up with you and Jessica.

    I am not afraid of Jessica or her family.

    It's not as if they like you, Court.

    You are unable to make rational choices and can only hand your hand for shelter and money to support your addictions.

    I have never been an alcoholic. If I am so is everyone else.

    Marijuana does not make me a loser.

    Being your mother, has made me a loser because you have played everyone in my life.

    You were always a fucked up baby and child. A liar and actor.

    Try to bring on the law, I have ammunition to shoot your crazy shit back to hell.

    You deserve your ugly, fat Jessica. Your daughters will not respect you and Jessica.

    You and Jessica had years to get an education, instead you guys partied with her family, and you fucked her sister.

    Who's crazy? Bring it on, Court!!!

    I will forward every email you have sent me to Gary, so that he know who you really are.

    But, it's not necessary, is it?


    Sent: Sun 2/14/10 12:25 PM
    To: mom
    You were always a fucked up baby and child. A liar and actor.

    That says it all about you. I wish I was never born. Life is not worth my reality. Your a hateful human being.

    Re: Endgame‏
    Sent: Sun 2/14/10 12:18 PM
    I will forward you emails to Gary and Sue.

    To: mom <
    Sent: Sun, February 14, 2010 12:09:11 PM
    Subject: RE: Endgame

    You'll be dead in ten years.

    Suicide looks like a great option. I will haunt you. I will be the demon in your dreams.

    Date: Sun, 14 Feb 2010 10:58:24 -0800

    Court, lets see where you will be in ten years.

    I have Nathan and Jordan.

    You are sorry example.


    PS You're a nasty piece of human. Nathan knows it. Herschel NEVER molested you.

    Jessica has retained a lawyer, she kept the messages. Her family will make Herschel seem like a day at the park. You don't know what you're getting into.

    Call again and the hammer will come down on you and fuckface Dave.

    You are, and have always been self-centered, where do you think I learned it from. You are full of hate a regret.

    The queen of misery married to the king of manipulation. You two sorry souls belong together.

    Dave got what he's always wanted, but you don't see that anymore. I remember not to long ago how you would call me and complain about what a piece of shit he was, you have now dropped to his level.

    If your so "strong" why haven't you left Dave, and taken control of Jordan. You performance at work sucks because you're a dope smoking alcoholic. You will die a lonely person, your children will have nothing to do with you. You have always been a torn in my life.

    I will never contact you again, you are dead to me. Drop my email, Jessca's phone number, and Gary's contact info-stop meddling with my life. It takes one phone call to local officials. Make my day you self serving bitch.

    FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! Rot in the desert.

    Date: Sat, 13 Feb 2010 11:40:46 -0800
    Subject: Re: Think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry, Court you do not control anyone. Control yourself. You have fucked up and fucked off. Don't ask me for help. You are self-centered. Don't rub anything in my face.

    I am stronger than you and David. You're very much alike.

    Jessica has her head buried. Stay with the fat bitch!!!!

    Sue and Gary have been communicating with us for a long time.

    Gary doesn't want to speak with you. How will Sue get a hold of you?

    I knew you were putting on a facade.



    Why does Dave feel he has a right to contact Jessica, and now Gary WTF. He has never met Gary, let alone had a relationship with him. What does he think he will accomplish. He is not doing me or himself any justice by going off on his tirades. He makes himself look like an asshole every time he picks up the phone. He is threatening the mother of my children, and now has me to deal with. Its a cheap flight, or a 12 hour drive.

    Please respect my commands, DO NOT CONTACT JESSICA ANYMORE, OR GARY for Christ sake. MAKE HIM STOP MOM, YOUR MAKING THINGS MORE DIFFICULT ON ME. STOP, STOP, STOP. He's subconsciously, or conscientiously doing this to ruin what I have left. How dare him contact Gary! Your an asshole DDDDDDAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEEEE...................

    Stop, and Think about it Mom.

    I listened to the message. I'm so fucking livid. I'm about to lash out like a crazed animal and make another mistake, but have the mental fortitude not to at this juncture.

    He states that he had the power to send me to jail HAHA. We both know it would not have taken place that day. He truly is a CRAZY human being that relishes at the thought of send others into orbit. Next time he pulls his shit I will personally put his destructive actions in check. I promise! Stop playing with my life, and more importantly Jessica's.

    If Jessica had no concern for me I would have been on the streets last October. Why are you so focused on Jessica anyway. That battle between you two was over a long time ago. Move on.

    FYI I don't anger Jessica, if I did do you really think I would be living with her for the past 4-5 months. Think!

    My license is not your concern, stop making it another focus you can hone in on. I will not go to jail, it would be another ticket. Where do you get your info from? Oh let me guess. I still have my physical license.

    It's not Jessica's responsibility to find me a job in banking, besides I can't work for 1st bank as long as she works for them. Think

    Gary and Sue will help me, they are going through a difficult time right now. Which really isn't your business.

    The proof is in the divorce settlement papers WHICH HAVE BEEN FILED with the courts. You must think I'm stupid.

    Why am I even entertaining these outlandish questions.

    Hopefully you will stay off grass, its turned you into paranoid, and delusional person. You will find your inner voice again, and G-d willing take control of your life without Dave pulling you back into his fantasy world. He has always been the problem. Ask him what thinks and wishes upon Nathan, if that's not an eye opener. Go ahead Dave tell her, you hateful monster.

    Stop living in the past. I don't want your help because it comes with a price I refuse to pay.

    Any information I give you is rapidly transformed into emotional ammunition.

    If your reading this Dave, next time you have a crazy itch to contact Jessica, or G-d forbid Gary, I'm will do everything in my power to make you suffer. Try me. ;-)


    David called Jessica yesterday (I'm sure you know) and Gary. The problem we (not Jessica) all have is your integrity.

    Jessica has shown no real concern for you. Why? Do you anger her?

    Court, If you are unable to find work in Denver, what makes it look better in Tucson?

    Why didn't you get the suspended license taken care of?

    As you know, it is risky to drive without a license. You could get thrown in jail. Who would bail you out?

    I have stopped smoking because I applied for a new job. I will do whatever it takes to keep working. I am not happy about it. But I know money fears.

    It is difficult for me to get my mind around the Army opportunity, and Jessica is running your ass off.

    Why didn't Jess help you find a job in banking?

    What do you do all day long? Do you sit with the girls?

    Why doesn't Gary help you? He and Sue are your best chance because they have money.

    Where is the proof that you are receiving a divorce settlement?

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2010
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm not trying to be harsh, but I fail to see the relevance of the post right above mine. Is there a reason so many personal details have been put into a post?
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