Feeling like a hamster on its wheel..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goodbyebluesky, Jan 18, 2012.

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  1. I'm 21. I should be graduating from college this semester, with my friends, but I'm two years behind because I dicked around and also got involved with an abusive relationship. I've been single for 8 months now, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and that was devastating in itself. I started going to college at this amazing, elite private school in upstate New York but threw all that away with a suicide attempt my freshman year and was sent back home to Florida and started over at a community college. I've been at this school for three years now and will graduate this spring. I'm applying to go to the state university in the fall and I'm not at all excited. I'm so far behind and it seems hopeless. I have no direction at all. The future looks bleak... I'm terrified of not having a secure job with a decent income, or being married. Every day it seems like I'll be alone, poor and working at my menial, stupid job that requires no qualifications whatsoever. Everyone else around me can deal with the crap that life gives but I can't seem to deal with it. I'd rather hibernate in bed. I tell my parents I want to die and they just tell me to shut up because it hurts them, or tell it to the psychiatrist. This is just such an awful feeling and I want it to stop. I can't seem to make it go away :(
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello there goodbyebluesky and welcome to SF! It sounds to me like you are completely burned out and have been through the mill a bit. I had to recently take a break from my studies due to my poor mental health and I felt like a complete failure. My doctors are also querying whether I have bipolar disorder and whilst it is hard it is controllable and manageable. For the past few months I am glad I have taken a break from my studies to focus on myself and get well. It has not been an easy time at all but I am finding that I can cope with things better. Give yourself a break and take things in your own stride, if it takes a year, it takes a year. But the more you worry, the more bogged down you are going to get.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry that this is happening. parents ought to be people that you can go to for support, but often they are useless or the source of problems
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I'm going through the same thing, except I have Borderline Personality Disorder/Social Phobia and I'm a year older than you. I feel pathetic too sometimes for being far behind, and my family doesn't help any...they always talk about how I'm such a failure and disappointment. Still, having a mental disorder and going to college at the same time is a big deal, and the fact that we're almost finished community college is a big accomplishment. A lot of people with Bipolar or some other disorder take a lot longer than 3 years to get their first degree, or may not get it at all. So look on the bright side. You're taking a bit longer to get it done, but who cares? You're working at your own pace and that's perfectly fine.
  5. I can barely make it through my shifts at work. I have to put on this fake ass smile and act like everything's ok. I got in trouble today and it was just a slap on the wrist, but even that makes me think of every mistake I've ever made and all the bad things I've done. Makes me feel like I don't deserve anything. My dad told me maybe I need a spiritual answer and that I should go to a spiritual camp and learn to meditate but I feel that I cannot push back my studies even further; I don't want to be 26 and still not even have my BA. I've also been drinking pretty heavily to self-medicate and I know it's probably the worst thing I can do and it's dangerous on top of my medication (Saphris, Topamax).
  6. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Hello, there

    Sounds like your having a rough time... Which I'm sorry to hear about :( You have to remember that your important --- I know it may sound hard because your experience lots of bad emotions revolving around your mistakes. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. I won't judge you about your drinking and medication because at least you found something that has helped you slightly - all though it may not be considered safe.. Have you ever sought after professional help like counseling? I'm a Christian and I do sometimes seek spiritual answers that usually don't come. So, I seek outside help from peers. Your taking a major step forward by coming here. Remember that your special and that everyone here cares about :hug:

  7. Hi trevor,

    Yes, I am seeing a counselor. But it just gets annoying with all the questions. I don't want to answer questions. I feel like they should just know how I feel with what I'm telling them. I feel so bad that death feels like the only way out. Suicidal thoughts have crept in once again and taken over.. and this is not the first time this has happened. It's a vicious cycle - I feel so depressed and worthless that I want to feel good again, but taking the steps to feel better seem stupid and worthless, and all I want to do is lie in bed under the covers all day, not eat and avoid people. It's the worst way to live and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

    Maybe I should see a pastor.
  8. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Pastor's are good people to see sometimes. I suffer from suicidal thoughts and mild depression episodes in and out of 7 years now. Ever since my mother passed away from committing suicide. I know that depression and suicidal thoughts are very tough and vicious at times. I almost killed myself with a gun but somehow didn't pull the trigger. Ever sense than I've been worried about suicide -- however the thoughts are relentless and don't seem to want to leave me. Your making a major step by going through counseling. Counselors are just trying to make you think a little more... Sometimes these questions get annoying but it's to help you think and open you up more. Trust me I've been through counseling for about 3 years after my mothers death... It seemed to help me near the middle end because that's when I opened up. I'm here for you if you want to talk :hug: continue to share your feelings if you feel you need to. There's no pressure here, and I'm sorry you have to go through this...

  9. That shows you are a really strong person if you walked away from pulling the trigger. Being in this much pain can be absolutely unbearable. I don't even know you in person, and I'm proud of you. :)
  10. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I hope you can be strong to :) It's tough I know and I wanted to do it which scares me :( I hope that you will continue to share how your feeling because you have my attention. I don't know you in real life either, but I'm here to give you support :hug: I've been finding my stay here enjoyable and it has been keeping me sane this past few days.

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