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feeling like a paradox

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#1
has anyone ever felt like they are compelled to keep going, even if they don't want to? i don't want to do this anymore, but here i am, just doing it every day. i'm trying to get better, i am, but i just can't seem to shake this feeling of underlying sadness, anger, frustration, and futility.

i think i'm scared. i think i'm scared to take the final step. scared that even though i can't think of something i would mind missing out on, that i actually might be upset if i thought of something after i go over the edge. how alive are you when you live every day wishing you were dead? could i change my life? sure, but not to the extent that i would shake this. depression seems to be so pervasive that it doesn't leave despite whether or not you make positive changes. ::sigh:: i want to get better, i do. i just can't. so i'll fall asleep tonight hoping the same thing i've hoped every night for a while now--that i don't wake up to see tomorrow.

i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to hurt anymore. i just want to get better, you know? i wish i never had bipolar disorder. i wish i went through more manic phases than depressive ones. i hate living like this. i wish this had never happened to me.
 

killorbee

Active Member
#2
hey there, I have felt this way to for alot of my life. I almost committed suicide twice. luckily I failed. I am happier now than i used to be, why im not really sure. maybe i just started to concentrate on myself and making myself feel good. I did things I liked. If i didnt want to do something, I wouldnt do it. Sometimes selfishness is best medicine for you. Do the things you like and dont do anything you dont want to do. listen to music you like. go places you like eat what you like and work were you like. That is the only thing different i do now then i did before. So hang in there, Ive been depressed for all of my adult life so far, with this year being a big turn around. stay strong,,,,,,,,,,,a friend,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Jason
 
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