has anyone ever felt like they are compelled to keep going, even if they don't want to? i don't want to do this anymore, but here i am, just doing it every day. i'm trying to get better, i am, but i just can't seem to shake this feeling of underlying sadness, anger, frustration, and futility. i think i'm scared. i think i'm scared to take the final step. scared that even though i can't think of something i would mind missing out on, that i actually might be upset if i thought of something after i go over the edge. how alive are you when you live every day wishing you were dead? could i change my life? sure, but not to the extent that i would shake this. depression seems to be so pervasive that it doesn't leave despite whether or not you make positive changes. ::sigh:: i want to get better, i do. i just can't. so i'll fall asleep tonight hoping the same thing i've hoped every night for a while now--that i don't wake up to see tomorrow. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to hurt anymore. i just want to get better, you know? i wish i never had bipolar disorder. i wish i went through more manic phases than depressive ones. i hate living like this. i wish this had never happened to me.