Feeling Like a Worthless Failure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Newguy12, Jul 12, 2014.

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  1. Newguy12

    Newguy12 Member

    I've been trying to come up with the best way to put into words what it is that I want to say, but I realize that there is no "good" way. I just need to say it instead of keeping it to myself.

    I found this site yesterday when I was really feeling crappy. The reason for that is because I was feeling like a worthless person who inevitably fails at everything.

    I'm constantly making stupid mistakes and then beating myself up over making them. Examples of such mistakes are social blunders that I have made without realizing at the time, but finding out afterwards (usually immediately afterwards) that I had said something wrong or offended someone unintentionally, or something as simple as completely screwing up a portion of a math test that I knew how to do only minutes before in my college math class.

    These feelings of inadequacy are only strengthened by the fact that I've been unemployed for the last three years and have been applying for job after job, only to never make it past the first interview (and in most cases, never even getting an interview). Right now, I live with my parents and want nothing more than to be financially independent and to have a career that I enjoy and makes me feel like I'm doing something important with my life. I fear that this may never happen and that I'll be trapped for the rest of my life, unable to achieve anything.

    On top of this habit I have of setting a high standard for myself and then failing to meet that standard, I am emotionally unstable. It doesn't take much to set me off, causing me to fall into anger, rage, and/or sadness.

    To get to the point, everything I have mentioned above has had me considering ending my own life so that I won't have to be haunted by every stupid mistake I've ever made or risk making them again. I also feel like it wouldn't matter if I were to do it because I don't consider myself to be worth much anyway.

    I haven't actually planned anything or made any attempts, but I have gone as far as researching methods that provide a quick, painless death without making a mess (I didn't find anything useful, since very few methods are guaranteed to be 100% successful and those that would be may be not actually be quick or painless.

    Most of the time, I'm able to distract myself from these dark thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I manage to go a few weeks or months without having them, before something happens that brings them back like a tsunami of negativity.

    I apologize for the long post, but I had a lot to say. I'm just glad that I decided to create this thread, even though it brought back everything that I was feeling yesterday when I joined this site (I was feeling almost happy for most of today). I almost considered not posting this, but I decided, in the end, to just do it.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, life is tough and when consider you are stuck in a vicious circle. The vicious circle drags you down on as each day goes on. You think what is the point of living and will ever my misery end. You parents would miss you a great deal and you need to consider the impact on their lives. The way you feel is totally understandable and you need to focus on yourself. Your confidence is totally shattered at the moment.

    You are very low at the moment and a lot of people become that. You need to worry as through times of economic crisis it's hard. Perhaps you should start to look for part-time job initially whilst looking your true job. If cannot get your desired job, then perhaps some volunteer work which will look good on you cv.

    Perhaps ignore the online application and asking on a door by door basis if people have jobs. You will get rejected but perhaps someone will take a shine to you. Face to face is better than a paper application. No need to worry about the job situation as you will get one but takes time.

    You need to reassure you parents, you are fine as they will financially support you and they would not like to see you suffering. Keep posting as we can help you and take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2014
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i agree, do some volunteer work. i volunteer at the spca and it helps me a great deal. its the only time in my life im not suicidal.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    they will appreciate you more if you called them up and said you were sorry.
  5. Newguy12

    Newguy12 Member

    I have done that already. The problem is that, just knowing that I have done the things I mentioned is what hurts me and I can't forgive myself or forget about doing them. The best I can do is repeat to myself over and over that it was a mistake and that it doesn't matter anymore, but the only thing that ever seems to help is to find a way to distract myself from thinking about it and suppress the memories whenever they resurface.
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