feeling like an outcast

[demuredawn]

feel as if no matter where i go.. there are rules made especially for me that other do not have to follow... and other rules that seem to be made specifically so others can laugh at me while i writhe in my misery...

am i really such an evil person this is the treatment i deserve?
what have i done to cause people to feel such glee in my pain?
why wont they just let me die.. is it only b/c they want to watch me writhe some more?
should i just get it over with anyway?

why do people bother asking me whats wrong.. when they aren't interested in hearing the answer anyway?
why am i such a joke to people?

maybe there are places where the majority of people are not like this, but if there are, i can tell you for sure i haven't come across that place yet.. i've come across a few people that aren't.. but not a place in which i feel safe.. in which i feel i'm being treated like others... perhaps i'm just too stupid to realize it when i am.. and that people aren't really hurting me.. and that my feelings aren't really hurt.. perhaps i dont know anything really... or at least, not much of anything

 

[youRprecious!]

Believe me dawn, I know exactly how this feels, and have to make a concerted effort to think about other things when the memories come flooding back about becoming a laughing stock for others to mock.......you are not alone. I always resort to telling myself the truth to get me out of the pit - that there are such things as misunderstandings and assumptions and these can be blown up out of all proportion - and another truth is that people in general aren't actually that fussed over others outside of their family or those they care for, and I had no right to expect otherwise, even from those I'd been taught to look up to all my life - it has been very liberating to become dis-abused of that mis-belief Horrid situations can always be improved by becoming more objective about them, hun

 

[demuredawn]

its not even really when they look over me that hurts most anymore.. its when they condemn me for things i dont understand.. it happens on this site, happens at home, happens on my gaming sites, happen with my family.. am i truly evil??

 

[youRprecious!]

No, of course not honey - no one is anywhere near truly evil. We live in a world where there are lots of strange ideas floating around, and people can become convinced of things that aren't even true but they think they are - especially in relationships, and this is the cause of so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings and offences, etc...... The way to navigate this reality is (if you can't just let it pass over your head, which is difficult with people who one would expect to care for your wellbeing but are too wrapped up in themselves) to assess your thinking and work towards internalising your sense of worth and value which is completely independent of what others may be thinking/saying about/acting towards you. Great theory, but sometimes we can use a bit of help as to how to do this Which is where a good counsellor can help, or at least some chats with people who think the same way - please PM me any time

 

[Hatshepsut]

... there are rules made especially for me that other do not have to follow... and other rules that seem to be made specifically so others can laugh at me while i writhe in my misery... am i really such an evil person this is the treatment i deserve?...should i just get it over with anyway?...why do people bother asking me whats wrong.. when they aren't interested in hearing the answer anyway?
why am i such a joke to people?

There are in fact lots of rules for ordinary people, which the privileged classes are allowed to disregard, or at least don't get severe penalties if they do break them. But that's different from rules that apply to only one person.

I honestly doubt there exist any rules made only for you, unless you are making them for yourself. I don't know if you are familiar with 12-step groups. (AA was the first one, there are many of them now.) These groups call special distinction that applies only to self as "terminal uniqueness." It's just a way of saying that the idea of other people constantly inspecting our lives, waiting for a chance to jump on our mistakes, is usually an illusion. Other people are too busy trying to solve problems in their own lives to pay special attention to ours.

"Terminal uniqueness" can also mean when we feel we have problems that no else ever has. That's also usually an illusion--our big planet always has many people experiencing similar things as we...whether alcoholism, depression, cancer, or anything else...

I think what's happening in your gaming groups etc. is just careless remarks by people. They don't mean you harm, but they don't think before opening their mouths, so they say foolish things, which are hurtful to the people they say them to.

I hope there is someone who you can talk with. Feelings of wanting to die are too big for one person to handle alone. I can't handle them--and I have "terminal uniqueness" also!

:butterfly3:

 

[demuredawn]

Hi Hatshepsut,

I just wanted to respond to your post to clarify a few things:

I dont really feel I have probs nobody else has ....

1. I have been raped in teh past.. so have many others
2. My mom died when I was relatively young.. that happens more than it should
3. Someone attempted to molest me ... happens more than the actual act which happens way too often anyway
4. I was victim to armed robbery .. sucks, but theres a lot of armed robbery out there
5. Had emotional abuse by several people .. many people get that in various ways.. it all hurts the same
6. Had physical abuse (minor) -- most have that to a more extreme than I did if they are subject to it and far too many are
7. Had verbal abuse -- again, wayyy too many people have that, its almost commonplace (not to say its not hurtful or wrong.. it is on both accounts, in a major way)
8. Been in many controlling relationships -- call me co-dependant if you wish and put me in that really large group, truth is i dont know if i am or not.. but i do know i'm not alone with the pain a controlling relationship causes
9. Been in abusive relationships -- this again happens far too often, its almost the reaction of other people to the victim at times though that is even more damaging than the abuse they get at home
10 sexual harrassment at workplace -- again this happens enough that it is not uncommon to hear of it, its sad but true

I never said there are no rules for others at all.. nor did I intend to insinuate that, if in some way I did, I apologize.

The thing I am pointing out here though.. is when you are in a small group of 3-5 people.. all engaging in the same activity or conversation, but being kinda monitored or otherwise led by 1 of those members who may or may not be actively participating.. and suddenly, with no real provocation (ie you are still doing the same things as everyone else and stirring up no trouble or making any waves), the leader/monitor points the finger at you and says "stop that now!" and then once you stop, looks away, doesn't say anything else to you.. or the others.. as the others continue with the original activity (that you are no longer allowed to participate in for reasons unknown to you). That's what I have a problem with. It happens a lot.. in all areas of my life..

I can take the stupid comments, yes.. I will get mad or upset for a few minutes, few hours, maybe a few days.. but eventually, I get over it. What I cannot take.. is being singled out like I just explained or having people pick apart my different abuses or other hurts and tell me "well yours aren't as bad as (insert name here) so you dont have anything to complain about" or that those abuses and/or other hurts were somehow my fault. It takes a long time to get the thought out of your mind that "maybe I deserved to be physically abused", "maybe they were in the right to say all those hurtful things they did about me, and it wasn't verbal abuse after all.. just me getting just punishment" , "maybe I did something to make that guy think he should have sex with me and I didn't have the right to say no.. so it was my fault", "I should have fought back when they waved that gun in my face, rather than just hand over all my possessions, or let him touch me in that manner" .. those thoughts.. are hard to get over. When someone says "it was your fault anyway" then you start second guessing yourself... that doesn't ever stop.

Those are the things I take issue with.. I'm not saying I am the only one to have even those particular problems.. but, for instance.. when I'm singled out for reasons unknown to me... it doesn't matter how many others have experienced that same thing, because the fact is.. its me, in that moment, and only me.. and maybe there is a reason.. but.. I don't know it.. and maybe there was a reason for the other person that experienced it in another time and another place.. but IF there was a VALID reason, i'm sure they were not the same... AND in most cases, i highly doubt there's really any valid reason.. otherwise, wouldn't it be said to the person WHY they are being singled out?

I can appreciate what "terminal uniqueness" is and what it feels like.. when I first experienced my rapes, or my verbal and emotional abuses and etc.. thats EXACTLY how I felt "how can you know what I'm going through.. you aren't me so you don't know shit!" but.. after talking to a lot of people here, and a few other places.. I have learned.. people can understand how I feel .. just based on SIMILAR experiences. No, no 2 experiences will ever be the same.. even if its at the same time, with same perpetrator, and same place.. simply because its still 2 different victims.. meaning they will process it different. That doesn't mean they cannot relate to each other though.. same as a person that was raped 25 years ago can relate to one that was raped 25 minutes ago. Just because the experiences are SIMILAR .. though not the same.

As to support .. aka someone I can talk to.. I stopped going to my counselor simply because she was never really listening to me. Now, before you say "thats a common response, we all think they don't listen to us.. but truth is they help" .. thats just the problem.. she never addressed my problems at all, she talked around them, never answered me when i'd ask questions on how to deal with specific situations... a lot of times we wound up talking about her life or the weather. I also stopped going to my psychiatrist to get meds because when I'd tell her the side effects I was having and/or that they weren't working.. she'd simply tell me "well Im the one that went to school for this, I know whats best for you.. not you". I have no real life friends. My family won't even help me when I let them know I'm being abused, or when I ask for a little money to keep me off the streets or even come see me when I'm in a coma... won't even bother calling me on the phone.. so I can't expect them to be any support to me. My husband and I are just NOW starting to get along a bit.. we have a lot to fix as he used to be abusive to me, and I was starting to look for love in other places .. though I never physically cheated on him.. so emotional support and etc, is stretching it a bit yet for us. So.. the only support I have comes from online.

I hope you don't take this reply to your response to me as me being offended by you or me trying to somehow hurt you or debate with you. Its not. I just like to be clear on things I mean when I say them and if I sense that someone has misconstrued my words or otherwise doesn't completely get the gist of what I was trying to get across.. I will take a bit of time to try to illustrate it better. I hope this made it more clear.

Thanks for you response and for caring.

Hugs to you!