*TRIGGER WARNING*
Lately I've been feeling like nothing gives me any kind of feeling besides anxiety. Quarantine has been hard as hell as I lost my job, and got locked up in my apartment alone. I don't see anyone, I don't do anything, I just lay in bed. It got to the point where I thought about hurting myself again (even though I haven't been cutting in about a year). I can´t seem to control my impulses anymore, nor can I sleep lately. I´m lucky if I get 3-4 hours each night. I´ve tried staying with my family, but they are very toxic and not a nice environment to be in at all, it just feels like being with someone (Toxic or not) is better than being alone with my mind.
While staying at my family´s (Mom, stepdad and their son) my mom told me that she didn't want me there for too long (Even though i told her i was suicidal, and it was worse when i was alone) and she wanted me to leave in not too long. They have always accused me of everything bad happening, while my brother gets treated as if he was Jesus himself. (I remember one time, where i had just arrived at their place, and literally the second i entered the house, i was taking my jacket off, my stepdad comes running to yell at me for changing the thermostat in my brothers room cause that HAD to be me, it couldn't be my brother. I just entered your house like 15 seconds ago??). My mom have also said before that if she killed herself, it would be because of me, so. I don't like them very much, and i know the feeling is mutual.
I suffer from 5 diagnoses, nightmares every single night, trauma from a year long relationship filled with violence, mental abuse and rape, being raped when i was 6 years old by a friends dad and my mom treating me the way she does for my entire life. My dad left me the day after my 3 year old birthday, and I've never received hep from anywhere. . I never graduated school, and i haven't really got anything of meaning in my life.
Lately i don't see a reason to do anything at all, let alone be alive. I've tried taking my own life 4 times before, and at this point its just pure comedy how i haven't succeeded yet. i cant even do that properly.
I just want to feel something that isn't emptiness, anxiety or physical pain. Feeling blue no longer covers what i feel.
sorry if things are a bit messy written. I'm not English, and I've been in a dark place lately.
I would love to talk to someone who knows how it is.
Lately I've been feeling like nothing gives me any kind of feeling besides anxiety. Quarantine has been hard as hell as I lost my job, and got locked up in my apartment alone. I don't see anyone, I don't do anything, I just lay in bed. It got to the point where I thought about hurting myself again (even though I haven't been cutting in about a year). I can´t seem to control my impulses anymore, nor can I sleep lately. I´m lucky if I get 3-4 hours each night. I´ve tried staying with my family, but they are very toxic and not a nice environment to be in at all, it just feels like being with someone (Toxic or not) is better than being alone with my mind.
While staying at my family´s (Mom, stepdad and their son) my mom told me that she didn't want me there for too long (Even though i told her i was suicidal, and it was worse when i was alone) and she wanted me to leave in not too long. They have always accused me of everything bad happening, while my brother gets treated as if he was Jesus himself. (I remember one time, where i had just arrived at their place, and literally the second i entered the house, i was taking my jacket off, my stepdad comes running to yell at me for changing the thermostat in my brothers room cause that HAD to be me, it couldn't be my brother. I just entered your house like 15 seconds ago??). My mom have also said before that if she killed herself, it would be because of me, so. I don't like them very much, and i know the feeling is mutual.
I suffer from 5 diagnoses, nightmares every single night, trauma from a year long relationship filled with violence, mental abuse and rape, being raped when i was 6 years old by a friends dad and my mom treating me the way she does for my entire life. My dad left me the day after my 3 year old birthday, and I've never received hep from anywhere. . I never graduated school, and i haven't really got anything of meaning in my life.
Lately i don't see a reason to do anything at all, let alone be alive. I've tried taking my own life 4 times before, and at this point its just pure comedy how i haven't succeeded yet. i cant even do that properly.
I just want to feel something that isn't emptiness, anxiety or physical pain. Feeling blue no longer covers what i feel.
sorry if things are a bit messy written. I'm not English, and I've been in a dark place lately.
I would love to talk to someone who knows how it is.
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