Feeling like blue doesnt cover it anymore

#1
*TRIGGER WARNING*

Lately I've been feeling like nothing gives me any kind of feeling besides anxiety. Quarantine has been hard as hell as I lost my job, and got locked up in my apartment alone. I don't see anyone, I don't do anything, I just lay in bed. It got to the point where I thought about hurting myself again (even though I haven't been cutting in about a year). I can´t seem to control my impulses anymore, nor can I sleep lately. I´m lucky if I get 3-4 hours each night. I´ve tried staying with my family, but they are very toxic and not a nice environment to be in at all, it just feels like being with someone (Toxic or not) is better than being alone with my mind.
While staying at my family´s (Mom, stepdad and their son) my mom told me that she didn't want me there for too long (Even though i told her i was suicidal, and it was worse when i was alone) and she wanted me to leave in not too long. They have always accused me of everything bad happening, while my brother gets treated as if he was Jesus himself. (I remember one time, where i had just arrived at their place, and literally the second i entered the house, i was taking my jacket off, my stepdad comes running to yell at me for changing the thermostat in my brothers room cause that HAD to be me, it couldn't be my brother. I just entered your house like 15 seconds ago??). My mom have also said before that if she killed herself, it would be because of me, so. I don't like them very much, and i know the feeling is mutual.

I suffer from 5 diagnoses, nightmares every single night, trauma from a year long relationship filled with violence, mental abuse and rape, being raped when i was 6 years old by a friends dad and my mom treating me the way she does for my entire life. My dad left me the day after my 3 year old birthday, and I've never received hep from anywhere. . I never graduated school, and i haven't really got anything of meaning in my life.
Lately i don't see a reason to do anything at all, let alone be alive. I've tried taking my own life 4 times before, and at this point its just pure comedy how i haven't succeeded yet. i cant even do that properly.

I just want to feel something that isn't emptiness, anxiety or physical pain. Feeling blue no longer covers what i feel.
sorry if things are a bit messy written. I'm not English, and I've been in a dark place lately.
I would love to talk to someone who knows how it is.
 
Last edited:

Waves

Well-Known Member
#2
*TRIGGER WARNING*

Lately I've been feeling like nothing gives me any kind of feeling besides anxiety. Quarantine has been hard as hell as I lost my job, and got locked up in my apartment alone. I don't see anyone, I don't do anything, I just lay in bed. It got to the point where I thought about hurting myself again (even though I haven't been cutting in about a year). I can´t seem to control my impulses anymore, nor can I sleep lately. I´m lucky if I get 3-4 hours each night. I´ve tried staying with my family, but they are very toxic and not a nice environment to be in at all, it just feels like being with someone (Toxic or not) is better than being alone with my mind.
While staying at my family´s (Mom, stepdad and their son) my mom told me that she didn't want me there for too long (Even though i told her i was suicidal, and it was worse when i was alone) and she wanted me to leave in not too long. They have always accused me of everything bad happening, while my brother gets treated as if he was Jesus himself. (I remember one time, where i had just arrived at their place, and literally the second i entered the house, i was taking my jacket off, my stepdad comes running to yell at me for changing the thermostat in my brothers room cause that HAD to be me, it couldn't be my brother. I just entered your house like 15 seconds ago??). My mom have also said before that if she killed herself, it would be because of me, so. I don't like them very much, and i know the feeling is mutual.

I suffer from 5 diagnoses, nightmares every single night, trauma from a year long relationship filled with violence, mental abuse and rape, being raped when i was 6 years old by a friends dad and my mom treating me the way she does for my entire life. My dad left me the day after my 3 year old birthday, and I've never received hep from anywhere. . I never graduated school, and i haven't really got anything of meaning in my life.
Lately i don't see a reason to do anything at all, let alone be alive. I've tried taking my own life 4 times before, and at this point its just pure comedy how i haven't succeeded yet. i cant even do that properly.

I just want to feel something that isn't emptiness, anxiety or physical pain. Feeling blue no longer covers what i feel.
sorry if things are a bit messy written. I'm not English, and I've been in a dark place lately.
I would love to talk to someone who knows how it is.
You have been through so much. We are all here to listen. Hope you feel welcomed here.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#4
This made perfect sense, @MalaMK. And yes, you have been through an awful lot. I'm so very sorry. But I'm glad you are here. Is there any way you could get a roommate? Do you have a friend you think you could live with? Would that help you with the loneliness?

And have you considered therapy?

We have different stories, but I know about the darkness. It's hard, but it's so good you reached out. Welcome.
 
#5
This made perfect sense, @MalaMK. And yes, you have been through an awful lot. I'm so very sorry. But I'm glad you are here. Is there any way you could get a roommate? Do you have a friend you think you could live with? Would that help you with the loneliness?

And have you considered therapy?

We have different stories, but I know about the darkness. It's hard, but it's so good you reached out. Welcome.

I dont have someone to live with sadly. Ive tried therapy for almost 10 years, and i dont feel any better...
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#6
I dont have someone to live with sadly. Ive tried therapy for almost 10 years, and i dont feel any better...
I'm sorry. That's hard.

Are you just able to fend off your own impulses for self-harm (I mean over the last year)? Or did a therapist walk you through that?
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#8
I was able to myself, but im finding it hard to cope lately, and i dont think the strageties work. Have you been in the same boat?
No, I haven't. I just wondered how you were able to work though it. I wish I had some words of advice for you! But to go a year sounds really amazing, and it also shows you are probably stronger than you think.
 
#10
No, I haven't. I just wondered how you were able to work though it. I wish I had some words of advice for you! But to go a year sounds really amazing, and it also shows you are probably stronger than you think.
Thank you. Your words mean more that you´ll ever know! i dont feel strong, but to hear/read someone say it really means alot.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#13
Sighs. I see everyone around me looking secure and normal. They don’t have room for new friends or a chat. Then I come here and find people like me hurting and needing support. It is like an invisible group out there
 

JDot

remember to drink plenty of water
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#14
I'm glad you found SF. There are a lot of great people here who are understanding and want to listen and talk. Feel free to join the chat room anytime. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. Just know you're not alone. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#15
@MalaMK

Welcome and good that you have joined the forum. This is a fine place with good folks that you can join in to share with on your experiences and perhaps find advice and comfort.
 
#16
Sighs. I see everyone around me looking secure and normal. They don’t have room for new friends or a chat. Then I come here and find people like me hurting and needing support. It is like an invisible group out there
I know that feeling. Im always up for a chat, listening to others is a great mix of helping them and yourself. I dont want you to feel alone, hell i know what its like. Hit me up anytime you need to vent, or just talk about something nice.
 
#18
I'm glad you found SF. There are a lot of great people here who are understanding and want to listen and talk. Feel free to join the chat room anytime. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. Just know you're not alone. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
Thank you so much. Every small word helps.
 

Zinnia

Well-Known Member
#20
*TRIGGER WARNING*

Lately I've been feeling like nothing gives me any kind of feeling besides anxiety. Quarantine has been hard as hell as I lost my job, and got locked up in my apartment alone. I don't see anyone, I don't do anything, I just lay in bed. It got to the point where I thought about hurting myself again (even though I haven't been cutting in about a year). I can´t seem to control my impulses anymore, nor can I sleep lately. I´m lucky if I get 3-4 hours each night. I´ve tried staying with my family, but they are very toxic and not a nice environment to be in at all, it just feels like being with someone (Toxic or not) is better than being alone with my mind.
While staying at my family´s (Mom, stepdad and their son) my mom told me that she didn't want me there for too long (Even though i told her i was suicidal, and it was worse when i was alone) and she wanted me to leave in not too long. They have always accused me of everything bad happening, while my brother gets treated as if he was Jesus himself. (I remember one time, where i had just arrived at their place, and literally the second i entered the house, i was taking my jacket off, my stepdad comes running to yell at me for changing the thermostat in my brothers room cause that HAD to be me, it couldn't be my brother. I just entered your house like 15 seconds ago??). My mom have also said before that if she killed herself, it would be because of me, so. I don't like them very much, and i know the feeling is mutual.

I suffer from 5 diagnoses, nightmares every single night, trauma from a year long relationship filled with violence, mental abuse and rape, being raped when i was 6 years old by a friends dad and my mom treating me the way she does for my entire life. My dad left me the day after my 3 year old birthday, and I've never received hep from anywhere. . I never graduated school, and i haven't really got anything of meaning in my life.
Lately i don't see a reason to do anything at all, let alone be alive. I've tried taking my own life 4 times before, and at this point its just pure comedy how i haven't succeeded yet. i cant even do that properly.

I just want to feel something that isn't emptiness, anxiety or physical pain. Feeling blue no longer covers what i feel.
sorry if things are a bit messy written. I'm not English, and I've been in a dark place lately.
I would love to talk to someone who knows how it is.
I have been too depressed to get out of bed and I have self-harmed in the past. My family was pretty disfuncional. You are definitely not alone in this suffering. I have usually had one or two people around so I haven’t been as isolated as you. I never talked to them about how depressed I was, just hung around them for distraction and to not be alone. I get ebooks and audio books from the library. It is free and helpful sometimes to take my mind off sad feelings, physical pain, etc. You should be very proud about abstaining from self harm for so long! Even if you do have a slip, you have so many days of not slipping under your belt. Give yourself a hug for each of those days. 🤗
 

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