I have been in free fall for the past several months. I already spent 3 nights in the hospital several weeks ago for suicidal ideations (did not attempt to harm myself or anything). I feel self-sabotaging in that every failure of mine is on my own accord and I feel that I am at the point where I have dug such a deep hole, I will not be able to climb out. Six months ago I made a major mistake at work (which I did not perceive as being a mistake at the time) and though I was given the chance to redeem myself multiple times, my own anxiety and selfishness ultimately held me back from improving and I was let go three months ago. This was a truly one of a kind job that provided me the opportunity to travel the world and meet tons of interesting people who were all extremely supportive of my growth. I worked very hard to get this job and I felt that getting the offer validated all of the other successes and failures I had experienced in my life. I had experienced a good amount of depression prior to that and this new opportunity gave me the motivation to improve myself. In addition, on the same day that I received this offer a friend of mine, who I knew was experiencing a lot of depression, committed suicide. I frequently struggled with thinking "that could have been me" but knew that the best way to go about honoring her memory was to life a positive life as an advocate for depression and suicide awareness. I had so many amazing experiences that coincided with starting my new job and I had so many positive people in my life who were supportive of me. I am so sad now when I think about how I let that all go to waste as I gradually became disenchanted with my job. I know that no one has the perfect job and that is why I am so frustrated by how much I let myself deteriorate in my performance just based on a few things that I did not like given that I had so many other positive perks to the role. I am so sad now when I reflect on how I was doing so well this time last year. The amount of despair I am experiencing right now is in no way comparable to the momentary frustrations and bouts of depression I had while on the job. The first six weeks after I was let go, I was extremely persistent in finding something new that better played to my strengths and career goals. I was still in the mindset that I was now "free" to find a job that was a much better fit for me. I did find a new opportunity within 6 weeks that I felt very lucky to have received and was a good way to put me on course for working towards my career goals. Ironically, after receiving this offer, I completely hit a wall (perhaps my depression as a reaction to getting let go was just delayed) and wound up in the psychiatric ward after experiencing insomnia and intense anxiety. During this time, I received an amazing amount of support from my family and friends and was brought a lot closer to some people. I came to have a much better understanding of my mom's depression and how strong she has been in supporting herself in dealing with it and also being an advocate for helping others with their depression. The weeks following my experience in the hospital, I had a lot of ups and downs in terms of hopefulness, with an ultimately uphill trend towards feeling more hopeful about my new job opportunity, apartment, and the future. In this past week, however, I have had a complete backslide into horrible depression. I am so sad and unmotivated all the time and everything around me is just a reminder of how much I failed in upholding my promise to myself to make the most of opportunities I had been given. I feel complete despair when I think back to how well I was doing a year ago and how well I was doing in making continuous strides towards positive self improvement. I think that what really eats away at me is that my failure at my own hand will always haunt me because all of this was so unnecessary. I have become such a deteriorated version of myself in such a short amount of time. I feel horrible when I think about suicide because my deterioration was not caused by external events - it is the direct result of my own actions. I hate to think about all the people who suffer in this world for no fault of their own. I feel that I have been dealt no major difficulties in life - only minor setbacks that I have been able to overcome with my strengths, positive attitude, and support and love from others. I can't bear to think about how much pain and suffering I would cause to my family and friends if I died. At the same time, I also think about how much they would hate me for what I did. Over these past few days, I have continually felt that now is the time for me to die. I don't want to die because I know there is so much beauty and love in living in this world. I, more than most people I know, have been blessed with an amazing number of special people in my life. In return, I feel that my main purpose in life is to serve and help others. All I want to do is positively affect others through my work, especially those that suffer by no fault of their own. Part of me also worries that even if I get through this mess, I will end up ruining whatever positive path for improvement I am provided next. Even during positive circumstances in my life, I have wondered if I am destined to end in suicide. My brain is clearly hardwired to be depressed and suicidal. I am seeking help through therapy and medications. The mere fact that I am here posting is an indication of how far down I have slid but also how much I don't want to die because I respect and love life. My future just seems so bleak.