Feeling like I am in a black hole

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by lostinlife, Oct 8, 2013.

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  1. lostinlife

    lostinlife New Member

    I have been in free fall for the past several months. I already spent 3 nights in the hospital several weeks ago for suicidal ideations (did not attempt to harm myself or anything). I feel self-sabotaging in that every failure of mine is on my own accord and I feel that I am at the point where I have dug such a deep hole, I will not be able to climb out.
    Six months ago I made a major mistake at work (which I did not perceive as being a mistake at the time) and though I was given the chance to redeem myself multiple times, my own anxiety and selfishness ultimately held me back from improving and I was let go three months ago. This was a truly one of a kind job that provided me the opportunity to travel the world and meet tons of interesting people who were all extremely supportive of my growth. I worked very hard to get this job and I felt that getting the offer validated all of the other successes and failures I had experienced in my life. I had experienced a good amount of depression prior to that and this new opportunity gave me the motivation to improve myself. In addition, on the same day that I received this offer a friend of mine, who I knew was experiencing a lot of depression, committed suicide. I frequently struggled with thinking "that could have been me" but knew that the best way to go about honoring her memory was to life a positive life as an advocate for depression and suicide awareness.
    I had so many amazing experiences that coincided with starting my new job and I had so many positive people in my life who were supportive of me. I am so sad now when I think about how I let that all go to waste as I gradually became disenchanted with my job. I know that no one has the perfect job and that is why I am so frustrated by how much I let myself deteriorate in my performance just based on a few things that I did not like given that I had so many other positive perks to the role. I am so sad now when I reflect on how I was doing so well this time last year. The amount of despair I am experiencing right now is in no way comparable to the momentary frustrations and bouts of depression I had while on the job.
    The first six weeks after I was let go, I was extremely persistent in finding something new that better played to my strengths and career goals. I was still in the mindset that I was now "free" to find a job that was a much better fit for me. I did find a new opportunity within 6 weeks that I felt very lucky to have received and was a good way to put me on course for working towards my career goals. Ironically, after receiving this offer, I completely hit a wall (perhaps my depression as a reaction to getting let go was just delayed) and wound up in the psychiatric ward after experiencing insomnia and intense anxiety.
    During this time, I received an amazing amount of support from my family and friends and was brought a lot closer to some people. I came to have a much better understanding of my mom's depression and how strong she has been in supporting herself in dealing with it and also being an advocate for helping others with their depression. The weeks following my experience in the hospital, I had a lot of ups and downs in terms of hopefulness, with an ultimately uphill trend towards feeling more hopeful about my new job opportunity, apartment, and the future.
    In this past week, however, I have had a complete backslide into horrible depression. I am so sad and unmotivated all the time and everything around me is just a reminder of how much I failed in upholding my promise to myself to make the most of opportunities I had been given. I feel complete despair when I think back to how well I was doing a year ago and how well I was doing in making continuous strides towards positive self improvement. I think that what really eats away at me is that my failure at my own hand will always haunt me because all of this was so unnecessary. I have become such a deteriorated version of myself in such a short amount of time.
    I feel horrible when I think about suicide because my deterioration was not caused by external events - it is the direct result of my own actions. I hate to think about all the people who suffer in this world for no fault of their own. I feel that I have been dealt no major difficulties in life - only minor setbacks that I have been able to overcome with my strengths, positive attitude, and support and love from others. I can't bear to think about how much pain and suffering I would cause to my family and friends if I died. At the same time, I also think about how much they would hate me for what I did.
    Over these past few days, I have continually felt that now is the time for me to die. I don't want to die because I know there is so much beauty and love in living in this world. I, more than most people I know, have been blessed with an amazing number of special people in my life. In return, I feel that my main purpose in life is to serve and help others. All I want to do is positively affect others through my work, especially those that suffer by no fault of their own.
    Part of me also worries that even if I get through this mess, I will end up ruining whatever positive path for improvement I am provided next. Even during positive circumstances in my life, I have wondered if I am destined to end in suicide. My brain is clearly hardwired to be depressed and suicidal. I am seeking help through therapy and medications. The mere fact that I am here posting is an indication of how far down I have slid but also how much I don't want to die because I respect and love life. My future just seems so bleak.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! You fell off the wagon, so to speak. Hun you can't truly get better if you never slide back a little. It gives us something to base success on. If all a person ever did was keep plowing straight ahead...when would you really know that you arrived at the destination you seek? We all need some bumps and ruts in the road we are on. Need to find ourselves along the way. Fall down once in a while. If you never do, then when you get to the end of that road...that's is all you will find...the end. Nothing to reflect back on. Nothing to prove to yourself your success.
    You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You have supportive friends and family. You seek out help when you know you need some. You can dig your way out of the hole you find yourself in right now. But the mistake you are making...trying to dig yourself out...alone. Every shovel full of effort you remove, another shovel full of it falls back in. So the positive results are automatically filled in with the negative ones. But if you ask a friend to help, they can reach from the top and get the negative out of your way. Help you build a ladder out of the debris rather than let you get buried in it.
    When you say your future...immediate or further up the road? I'm telling you if you want to see real success in the "up the road" future, the you need to work on getting you through the immediate future first. Don't bite off more than you can chew or handle. Don't allow yourself to keep grasping for the brass ring so far out of reach. Hold on to the merry-go-round for safety for a little longer. Get some solid ground under you and the thoughts and feelings first. Then worry about the ring or in this case, the successful career, the people around you. Allow yourself to be selfish until you feel better about who you are and what you expect of yourself. If you can do that, then, I think you will find success and pride in yourself and your career. One can't come without the other. If you don't see the reasons why you are allowed to have good things like the careers you have lost, you never will see. You will continue to slowly find fault with every situation that you find makes you feel good. You will slowly sabotage things that make you feel good and more importantly...feel good about yourself for obtaining. Stop beating yourself up. Trust me, there are more than enough people and things out there that will do it for you. Maybe consider checking back in the hospital for a long term, maybe 4 or 5 weeks. Give yourself a chance to have a safe place to deal with the feelings and thoughts. Give yourself a "break" or a little time off from the rest of the world and take some time just for you. And keep posting. No matter if you get great advice or a ramble like mine, keep posting. It is incredible how much relief you feel when you see your thoughts written out in the forums, and knowing that someone else is reading it and relating. Keep posting
     
  3. lostinlife

    lostinlife New Member

    Thank you so much for your reply. One source of grief I am experiencing right now is the fact that I am supposed to be running a race this weekend and I have been raising money throughout my training for my friend's memorial fund. I am worried I will not be physically able to run this weekend and that I will have completely let down her, her family, and my friends that have all been so supportive of this.
     
  4. lostinlife

    lostinlife New Member

    I am also just overwhelmed when I consider the number of people that I hurt. They were quite a few coworkers looking out for the best for me and I prevented myself from accepting their help. My penchant for cognitive distortion put a negative spin on all of their efforts to help. It's quite frustrating to realize that they bad cognitive habits were so powerful. These were very genuine people and I really miss their friendship and time spent with them quite a lot.
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Perhaps you can find a way to send them each a note of gratitude. Thanking them for all they offered. And that you will always be grateful for this even if at the time you were not able to accept it. It has been accepted now. And you will always be grateful. In doing this then you will know that you accepted with grace what they offered.

    Would it be possible to run part of the race? Just as much as you can. And to be proud of yourself that you could do that? I understand if you cannot turn around the thinking to what I wrote. But I thought I would just put it out there. I hope you will not judge yourself for what you were unable to accept or do or think in the past.... and are not able to do in the present. I hope you can forgive yourself. But I know thats a process. One I hope I can make progress with as well.
     
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