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Feeling like I could never be loved for myself

#1
This is my first time using this forum. I'm struggling a lot with these thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to deal with them. I hope someone can give me some advice, or at least understand what I'm feeling so I know I'm not delusional. (Sorry for the long post; I needed to get these things off my chest *nerves ).

So, most of the advice I've seen about dealing with depression and loneliness is like, "if you change your lifestyle, behaviors and thought processes you will be able to make friends and have 'normal' life". And I understand that, and even wholeheartedly believe it; I'm sure that if I acquired more social skills and interests and so on, I could make more friends. But my problem is that it sounds pretty much like, "if you become somebody else, then you will be accepted". Now, someone could argue that if you pursue something you really like then you are not becoming somebody else, but rather you are actualizing yourself. And that is true, but the fact remains that people would only like me for what I'm able to accomplish, or how a good conversationalist I become, etc. I need to perform "good traits" in order to have any worth in the eyes of others.

I'm not trying to say that I would like people to just accept me as I am right now. I know I have problems functioning in life, and I can even be toxic sometimes, so I understand perfectly if people criticize me for it or don't want to be my friends right now. But in reality, it seems to me, people don't just keep their distance thinking "Oh, we just can't get along at the moment" or "We don't have anything in common but you have good things and hope you find people who loves you", but actually go out of their way to tell you how worthless you are. Most people love to mock others, condemn them, and they have absolutely no regard for other people's suffering. I know many would say that it's not "most people", that most are actually nice and caring, but I just don't agree. This is how I see it: everyone is nice and caring, but only to certain people. In general, people will offer compassion to the extent that the other is similar to them.

The US elections are close, and what I'm saying is clear when it comes to politics. If you are from the left and you express your feelings and concerns, people from the left will cuddle you and people from the right will go after you like hyenas. And if you are from the right and do the same, people from the right will cuddle you and people from the left will go after you like hyenas. And I feel that's the case with any other group. If you show signs of low self-esteem, in the best case scenario someone will tell you, "Well, you are not actually bad, you have these XYZ good qualities I find good." Which seems to imply that, if you are not actually bad, then somebody else is actually bad, and if you didn't have the XYZ good qualities then you would belong to the camp of the actually bad. And I find that reality absolutely depressing. I feel love is conditional to the extreme, and I'm constantly afraid of being one bad decision away of losing any good that I may possess and fall down to worthlessness. I've had many experiences where I got along with people with a similar hobby, but the moment I shared other part of me that was different, or disagreed with them about something, they became very hostile to me.

As someone who has never been well-off in life, and comes from an abusive family, I'm painfully aware of how easy someone could end up homeless, or how some people could become abusive because they just grew up in bad circumstances. I remember the scene from The Office where Creed tells his boss that the only difference between a homeless person and him is that job, and I absolutely feel that. We are who we are thanks to a miracle, an inextricable mix of circumstances, luck and careless decisions. And I would be terrified of being "loved" or "liked" only because destiny had it that I happened to be good at something, or be born with certain personality traits or in particular circumstances. A nightmare of mine is becoming friends with someone and then discovering that he or she has contempt for the kind of people I was when I was at my worst. I simply cannot dissociate myself from my past and my problems. I feel that if I trust people who wouldn't have show me any compassion or interest in me when I was my worst, then I would be denying my basic human dignity, and I would have to accept that any affection is just conditional. And I cannot live with that.

I know we are not supposed to talk about religion in this forum, but do you remember the moment when Jesus was being crucified and he said "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they do"? That's real compassion, it seems to me; concern about others no matter how different they are or in what bad place they are in. Of course, I don't expect people to go and die for others, but what bothers me is that people don't even believe in the idea of it. Someone can walk beside a homeless person and don't even bat an eye. I've seen videos of criminals who are condemned to death in their trials, and the comments are just cheering, when they are not asking that they should rather be tortured. People are ruthless, and they just want others to fend for themselves with absolutely no regard for what happens to them. That's hunting to me. If I killed myself today, nobody (except my family) would care in the slightest. If they saw it in the newspaper or online, they wouldn't even think of it as a problem. They would just say "Well, it's his fault for being such a bad person".

The only thing I want is for people to instead say to me, "You matter just because you exist; we want the best for you; there will always be things valuable in you; I would help you if I could". In my mind it doesn't seem a difficult thing to ask for (it's more a matter of people just having the intention, and not necessarily asking them to do anything). But when I face reality I find that people believe in the exact opposite, to the point that I'm not even sure anymore if all people really have value. Sometimes I think that the only reason I care for others is that I would like to be cared for, so in the end I'm just a selfish person deluding himself in thinking that is reasonable to want people to care for each-other even when they don't "deserve" it.

(If you read it all, thank you very much, that alone makes me feel heard and a little better *hug).
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this Santiago.

There's some general advice about treating depression in my signature link.

Here's a copy of the link in case you're on a phone

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help
Sometimes I think that the only reason I care for others is that I would like to be cared for, so in the end I'm just a selfish person deluding himself in thinking that is reasonable to want people to care for each-other even when they don't "deserve" it.
It's understandable that you'd want to be loved unconditionally, but it's also not really reasonable to expect that from others. If you love others unconditionally, then you'll still love them even if they don't love you back.

It doesn't sound to me like you're a selfish person though, but rather that accepting reality, or at least the current social realities, is a struggle for you. I think it's generally a struggle for a lot of people.

I'm sure that if I acquired more social skills and interests and so on, I could make more friends. But my problem is that it sounds pretty much like, "if you become somebody else, then you will be accepted". Now, someone could argue that if you pursue something you really like then you are not becoming somebody else, but rather you are actualizing yourself. And that is true, but the fact remains that people would only like me for what I'm able to accomplish, or how a good conversationalist I become, etc. I need to perform "good traits" in order to have any worth in the eyes of others.
I guess someone could say "I shouldn't have to ever bathe, brush my teeth, or wear clean clothes, because people should love me the way I am", or "I should be able to yell at people and beat them, because they should love me the way I am". My point here is that absolute unconditional love is hard to come by, and not really reasonable to expect. Unconditional love is something that a loving parent might give to their disabled child, because the child is incapable of behaving better, but it's not something that should be expected between friends.
I'm not trying to say that I would like people to just accept me as I am right now. I know I have problems functioning in life, and I can even be toxic sometimes, so I understand perfectly if people criticize me for it or don't want to be my friends right now. But in reality, it seems to me, people don't just keep their distance thinking "Oh, we just can't get along at the moment" or "We don't have anything in common but you have good things and hope you find people who loves you", but actually go out of their way to tell you how worthless you are.
Yeah. Many people do some pretty shitty things, there's no getting around that.

There's plenty of awesome people on SF though, so maybe stick around, and the connections that you are looking for could be found here.

Wishing you good things.
 

justrob

Keep on keeping on.
#4
@SantiagoRC wow. You are insightful and compassionate. I agree we come into life and enter somebody training (coined by Ram Das) and becoming that somebody is not not very satisfying. Try to find your true self, who you really are and I think you have a sense of that.

I agree. We are taught how to live and function in society without asking if society is a good thing. Look at the issues you pointed out. I myself do not concider myself part of society any more, I just interact with whoever is in front of me. I see them as a soul struggling with their incarnation as I am with mine.

We need more compassion and acceptance today.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#6
There's this Buddhist guy that typed "may all being be happy" in the end of his booklet. These guys have the compassion thing figured out. I actually believe, in my strongest moments, that everyone should be at peace. This is why I am not only an anti-natalist, but a pro-mortalist.
 

Gonz

sick and tired of being sick and tired
#9
You asked for advice, so here it is:

Nobody, almost certainly including you, goes around making time for people who have nothing to offer, personality-wise. If you don’t know how to demonstrate what you have to offer, you may as well have nothing. ”Something to offer” can be as simple as being a good conversationalist. Figuring out what sets you apart, then figuring out how to demonstrate it, is not the same as fundamentally changing who you are. Focusing on the unfairness of it (and is it so unfair that those who put in the effort reap the rewards?) is just a way to put off the work of self-improvement.
 

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