feeling like i need to just end it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by StateOfMind, Jun 29, 2010.

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  1. StateOfMind

    StateOfMind Member

    im not good with grammer punctuation and all of that so yea please bear with me, but latley ive been having constant suicidal thoughts. i feel as if i dont deserve to live i find myself drowning my sorrow in a bottle of liquor or smoking. i never used to think about suicide but the way my lifes been going i think its my only option ill explain why.ive never had a happy life ever when i was a kid my father would abuse my mother and i couldnt do anything but stand there and cry my father would constantley beat me my mother eventually left my dad but she wasnt heartless to him she let him see me whenever we went on vacations well he decided thats wasnt good enough so he kidnapped me he did this two other times but fast forward 15 years later this is when my life took a turn for the worst my mother decided she wanted to get married unfortunatley the guy she married was an asshole he abused her verbally he broke her mentally and physically my mother wound up in a mental hospital she had a nervous breakdown that was the worst time of my life my mother is basically my only parent or the only one who wants anything to do with me so when this happend i lost it i couldnt stop crying i started cutting my wrists and just distancing myself from everyone while my mom was in the hospital i found out she was hiv positive she got it from the same guy who said he loved her who she married finding this out just broke me even more imagine being 16 years old and finding out your mom has something that could potentially kill her this only made things worse for me while all of this was going on the girl who i was dating who i gave my heart to decided she didnt love me anymore so she went out cheated on me and got pregnant with another dudes kid all of this happend within a 4 year period so now im 19 im sad im lonley i basically have no one to turn to i drove all my friends away no one wants anything to do with me i tried to kill myself on the 23rd of june this month i basically swallowed maybe 20-30 pills but that wasnt my first attempt that was my second time the next will be the last im tired of living i really am im tired of being used by my family im tired of everyone treating me like im garbage honestly i just want to be happy but im never going to find that happiness so i just want to end it all i dont want to feel this way i really dont i want to be normal but all i can think of is killing myself... i mean its not like anyone would miss me unfortunatley just typing this out made me feel a little better but not really ugh
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey listen I am really tired so sorry if my reply sucks but Iwas really moved by your post and wanted to reach out ot you and let you know first and foremost you are not alone and there is a lot of support here for you ..just keep posting and participating in things like Coffee house games or whatever..see some people come and go so fast on here many of us are afraid to care only to have the person dissapear so please stick around.
    Secondly it does get better...sounds like yu have had no support at all and that is simply too hard to do...hell you have to do the tough part yourself but to do it with out caring support and people behind you that truly care about you...well that is impossible ... So now that you are here things will start to get better...it is hard but it will happen
    Please be more gentle with yourself you are going through a lot and that would get anyone down...you sound so sweet and the world needs more senstive thoughtful people like you so please give us all her a chance to support you and be your shoulder to lean one...believe you me we understand around here..all to well.
    Well again Iam really tired but at least wnated to reply to let you know some listened to you and someone cares about you..feel free to PM me anytime to as I am really good about replying back.
    take care and again feel free to find me in PM if you need to talk and need afriend..I care.
  3. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You have been handed so much to deal with . I understand that you can be overwhelmed. But please reach out to us here as much as you can. Then also go to get help from support groups in your area. 12 step or other types. There ARE people who have been through things like you have been through. Reach out to them here and elsewhere. You are a good person and life is harder on the truly good. Life tests the good.But that means that your more vitally needed because you are good.

    The things that used to bother me don't now. People sometimes let us down,but they are their own worst enemies. When they hurt us it always hurts them in the end. Pity them. In a year or a month those that hurt you won't matter as much and others will come to take their place that will be good for you. What matters today may not matter tomorrow.

    I'm so sorry about the tragedies in your life. All we can do is try to love and help those we care about. Some of it it out of our hands. Then we have to pray. Nothing is beyond the help of prayer I believe. I just prayed for you and I hope with all my herart you will pray too. The light of hope will shine for you!!!! I KNOW IT!!!!

    Please write me if you like,

  4. StateOfMind

    StateOfMind Member

    id like to thank both of you bambi and marty for replying to my post ive been feeling really down latley and just letting this out made me feel a little better thanks for the support it means alot to me thank you just knowing that someone cares really helps
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi StateofMind. I'm sorry to hear that your mom was diagnosed with HIV and that you have had such a difficult childhood. You both deserve so much better. Killing yourself is not the answer though. There's an old saying, 'what ever doesn't kill you, makes you a stronger person' and I believe that there's some truth to this. When we endure mental and physical hardships, it builds our character and we become better persons. I hope that your mom gets the treatment that she needs. Don't give up. :hug:
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    It's my pleasure please feel free to PM or email anytime you want!!!! You are a great and inspirational person!!!!

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