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Feeling like I ruined all my chances of being happy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LoathingSlug, Oct 31, 2015.

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  1. LoathingSlug

    LoathingSlug Member

    So, for years I've been unhappy with my life. Then I moved to England and all the dreams and hopes that had died were resurrected. I finally thought I was gonna be happy.
    Then I got diagnosed with Graves Disease, having to go to the doctors twice per month for two years, it's better now, I only have appointments every 6 months. Afterwards, I was ostracised from my class in college, not to mention the issues I had with my teachers. My hopes and dreams nearly died again, but I had university to look forward to and getting an unconditional offer to my chosen uni, gave me a slight bit of confidence I never felt before.
    Now that I'm at university I realize how much of an untalented, uninteresting, annoying and absolutely useless attempt of a person I am. I have no skills. I can't draw despite following tutorials and trying my best, my drawing teacher pities me. I was confident on A. Photoshop, but again, I'm not good enough. I don't know how to interact with people, I don't know what to say or how to say and when I do manage to say something it tends to be the wrong thing. I've already managed to make most of my peers despise me and in all honestly I don't blame them, and I'm certain my teachers find me strange and awkward. This was my last attempt at being happy and I completely blew it. I really don't know what to do with myself or with my life at the moment.
    I have this scalpel I bought for class (I'm in a design course), everytime I see it I just want to use it on myself. But I always manage to stop myself, because I hide it in a place where I can't access without being spotted by my mom and the fear of her realizing that her only child is going to self-harm herself makes me ignore my urges. But things are getting difficult. I don't have friends, I don't have a big family and they see mental health problems as a joke. I tried talking to teachers and doctors before, they said it's just a phase and laughed. So now I'm unable to ask anyone for help. I know my problems are stupid and shallow and you probably hate me already. I just don't know what to do, I really don't want to kill myself so I just want to find a way of feeling better and maybe even be happy.
  2. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I know i don't have many words for you but i want to point out how strong you are for not following those urges when they can be so strong inside your mind. I am sorry things seems so hopeless for you right now, i hope that you are able to find the right person in you life to reach out to,, and from what i believe the people here at SF will be here to help and support you through.......sorry i don't have good advice i wish i had more words for you, take care and reach out here when you need it
  3. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome to the forum. I just wanted to let you know that I'm in a somewhat similar boat as you are, I'm also 20, struggling in school, struggling socially, and having a lot of trouble resisting self harming urges. I've been in this dark place before and I know I'll probably be in it again, but I know for sure that these dark feelings never last forever, they may be recurring and strong, but they do not define us. I believe there is always a chance to be happy, even if we can't see it right now. We just have to be a little bit stronger than the urge to give up and we'll be alright. Please don't hesistate to reach out here or pm me if you need help or just want to talk, we all support each other here and never judge :)
    2 people like this.
  4. LoathingSlug

    LoathingSlug Member

    Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation, wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
    I've been here before but it was different, there was always something that made me want to stay 'here'. Now these feelings reoccur to often, as if they never left in the first place.
  5. LoathingSlug

    LoathingSlug Member

    Thanks for replying it makes me feel less lonely. I hope all is well with you
  6. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    Hey man! I know it seems like things are kind of bleak at the moment!
    But I'm telling you, the most successful, happy people that this world has ever produced went through the most bitter of things and came out on top. Not to say that struggles are like this magic car-wash for success, but for those that go all the way through, it kind of is! If you think about it, your experiences are going to be richer and more ingrained in you than someone who didn't get that opportunity. It already seems to me like, you've got some special gifts. You're going to university and you've got a bright future.
    But don't forget to work with your school. Most universities have a disabilities program, and things like depression are something that they can sometimes work with. Just keep trying, and be open and honest if you need any help with anything. There's always someone who's good and wants to help.
    2 people like this.
  7. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    LoathingSlug, I really appreciate your slug pic. :)
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