Feeling Like I Should Be So Much More

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ghostbuster, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. Ghostbuster

    Ghostbuster Member

    I'm very unfulfilled with what I have to offer. That is the leading cause for my sadness, and depression. It might have been sparked off by failed relationships, and poor personal decisions that, to this day, I feel ashamed of; but it all leads back to the fact that I'm not happy with who I am as a twenty year old man..

    Which is normal for a young person like me to be "finding himself" at this age, right? Unfortunately, I feel this is so much more. I feel like I lack character. I lack personality. I lack distinction. I lack an identity. I literally possess no friends at this time being. Although, all of high school, I was always finding new people to meet and socialize with. I attended three different high schools, but on graduation day; man…. I felt lonely. I didn't share the moment with anyone special. I hadn't connected with no body. Which isn't a huge killer to me, but I feel its a mirror reflection of me just not being a likable person BECAUSE I lack personality. All my "Friends" have came and went in my life, and I've concluded that all of them was because of my connections as a dealer. Following graduation, I lost love for that, and just purely wanted happiness. All my friends disappeared. They weren't friends to begin with. Maybe I'm at fault for always associating business with all of these people I considered friends BUT That's not the direction I want to head with this vent though.

    I feel like I'm lacking work ethic. I've become SO damn antisocial, when I used to consider being a people person as my strength. I used to be able to converse with a complete stranger so well, but nowadays; I'm scared to talk to family. I feel like it's strongly because I'm ashamed of who I am, as a person. I'm not sure what is I'm asking for with this thread. I've chosen to write out my dilemma hoping it leads somewhere. My father is only 41, and has suffered five heart related incidents. He's been in the entertainment industry his whole life, and he is hell bent on making it work; and up until recently, I've felt the same way.. but now that I've last all my confidence, I'm turned off by the whole idea. I feel if I was who I wanted to be, deep down, everything would fall into place, but the reality is, I'm not as liked, and enjoyed as I want to be. My musical talent, is nowhere near the level of my dads. All I want is for my dad to live a stress free life, and the only way he can attain that is by reaching some sort of financial success through the entertainment industry.

    I've tried to get into fitness very often. I've even succeeded at one point, but the fitness race is a marathon, not a sprint & this slump of mine really put me on hold. I lost all of my "gains", and am pretty much ashamed to return to the gym I once was so proud to walk around. I literally would go around, loud mouthed, and rapping all throughout my two and a half hour workout. Without a care in the world of what any one, bigger or smaller, would have to say to me. I inspired so many people. Older, and younger who would approach me, and just root me on, or ask me why I'm so happy. Man, thinking back on it it hurts as I type this to see where I've fallen too. It's depressing.

    Today, I sleep all day. I wake up, and hear voices in my home, which entices me to sleep some more. I'm scared of dealing with the world now. I'm scared of showing it I've failed.

    I really don't want this to inspire any negative in anyone else's situations. We're here to strengthen, and get out our feelings, so please understand. Apologies.
  2. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I feel soo similar.

    On every thing you've said. Now where do we go from here?

    I could, with the exception of the small details, have written this.

    Where do we go when everything we've tried for hasn't worked? When you get so low and you're so tired of looking at your mistakes?

    All I can say is I get it. I get exactly what you're saying.