Hi, I have really been struggling since Thursday afternoon with on and off again suicidal thoughts. It stems back to an accident I had at work (I teach)- I fell and my ankle gave out and I completely tore a ligament in my ankle. This was all the way back in December. The whole thing was very triggering because about 8 years ago I also fell at work (a different school) and actually fell on a set of bleachers and injured some nerves in my spine. So anyways it was triggering because it was a workcomp nightmare. My depression and anorexia developed after the first workcomp injury because I couldn't do what I loved, my life felt out of control (well really I wasn't in control), etc. So when I injured my ankle at work in December all of those memories came flooding back. I feel as though I am in the middle of my worst nightmare. I can't get the care I need, my pay is so small I can't pay all of my bills, etc. This is all very stressful and the pain started getting drastically worse on Thursday afternoon (of course after all the doctors offices were closed- here in the USA as Friday was Independence Day). So I tried to get through it but by Saturday night I was at that point where I wanted to take my life because this nightmare feels like it will never end and the pain will never subside as I have doctors arguing over what is wrong and of course with workcomp you have no say, they get to pick who's opinion they like. That night I was actually online looking for ways to overdose on the meds I had (I have worked so hard with my professional team to keep this from happening by having a local pharmacy only disperse a week's worth of meds at a time) however I stumbled upon this site and just the little time I spent on here helped me get through the night. But then Sunday my little sister (who also struggles with self-harm and depression) was not stable at all and I ended up needing to be the strong one and take her to the ER for help. So I was with her over 7 hours helping her go through the whole process and then leaving to get her things she would need and came back to sit with her for awhile to help her feel ok and not all alone. I am now struggling again tonight- I feel so awful- like how could I have seriously injured myself at work again. I LOVE teaching and was so excited to get this new job this fall but they wouldn't let me work Feb., March, or April,, and only let me try half days in May. I thought for sure we'd get things fixed this summer but it has dragged on and on and here we are one month from school starting again and we haven't done anything but take a second MRI on that they won't even let my doctor have the results. The pain is so intense tonight I just want to make it go away- I saw my family doctor today and I can tell she is at a loss because everything she tries or wants workcomp is taking their sweet time to approve. If my doctor doesn't even know what to do what am I going to do? I also hate myself because I feel terrible about my little sister being in the hospital- I know it's not true- but I cannot stop thinking that if only I hadn't made the mistakes I made in the last 8 years maybe she wouldn't be going through her own battle with depression. I know it's not contagious but I still feel so responsible for it. I just can't see past the pain and feel so hopeless. My dream since Junior High was to teach and I feel like these accidents just keep me from it. I just don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I try to live day by day or hour by hour when it's tough but these days it is getting harder and harder. I see my therapist twice a week, my psychiatrist once a week, and my dietician once a week so that I can have as much support as possible right now and they are all amazing it's just hard when you get 30, 45, maybe 60 minutes with them. I can't even go to the local hospital if I felt like I really needed that because my sister is there (I guess I don't know what they would do but I know we can't be on the same unit and they use to have two and right now they only have one open and are just combining everyone) and the next closest one that has a mental health unit is an hour away. Maybe if I just go to bed I'll be ok- maybe my sleep meds will knock me out (all though I know I will wake up several times during the night) and at least make it to tomorrow but then I am sure the thoughts will be back. Anyone have tools they use when they get to that point where the suicidal thoughts just keep sneaking in and even get stronger. Thanks.