Feeling like my life is falling apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brave, Jul 7, 2014.

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  1. Brave

    Brave Member

    I have really been struggling since Thursday afternoon with on and off again suicidal thoughts.
    It stems back to an accident I had at work (I teach)- I fell and my ankle gave out and I completely tore a ligament in my ankle. This was all the way back in December. The whole thing was very triggering because about 8 years ago I also fell at work (a different school) and actually fell on a set of bleachers and injured some nerves in my spine. So anyways it was triggering because it was a workcomp nightmare. My depression and anorexia developed after the first workcomp injury because I couldn't do what I loved, my life felt out of control (well really I wasn't in control), etc. So when I injured my ankle at work in December all of those memories came flooding back. I feel as though I am in the middle of my worst nightmare. I can't get the care I need, my pay is so small I can't pay all of my bills, etc.
    This is all very stressful and the pain started getting drastically worse on Thursday afternoon (of course after all the doctors offices were closed- here in the USA as Friday was Independence Day). So I tried to get through it but by Saturday night I was at that point where I wanted to take my life because this nightmare feels like it will never end and the pain will never subside as I have doctors arguing over what is wrong and of course with workcomp you have no say, they get to pick who's opinion they like. That night I was actually online looking for ways to overdose on the meds I had (I have worked so hard with my professional team to keep this from happening by having a local pharmacy only disperse a week's worth of meds at a time) however I stumbled upon this site and just the little time I spent on here helped me get through the night. But then Sunday my little sister (who also struggles with self-harm and depression) was not stable at all and I ended up needing to be the strong one and take her to the ER for help. So I was with her over 7 hours helping her go through the whole process and then leaving to get her things she would need and came back to sit with her for awhile to help her feel ok and not all alone.
    I am now struggling again tonight- I feel so awful- like how could I have seriously injured myself at work again. I LOVE teaching and was so excited to get this new job this fall but they wouldn't let me work Feb., March, or April,, and only let me try half days in May. I thought for sure we'd get things fixed this summer but it has dragged on and on and here we are one month from school starting again and we haven't done anything but take a second MRI on that they won't even let my doctor have the results. The pain is so intense tonight I just want to make it go away- I saw my family doctor today and I can tell she is at a loss because everything she tries or wants workcomp is taking their sweet time to approve. If my doctor doesn't even know what to do what am I going to do? I also hate myself because I feel terrible about my little sister being in the hospital- I know it's not true- but I cannot stop thinking that if only I hadn't made the mistakes I made in the last 8 years maybe she wouldn't be going through her own battle with depression. I know it's not contagious but I still feel so responsible for it.
    I just can't see past the pain and feel so hopeless. My dream since Junior High was to teach and I feel like these accidents just keep me from it. I just don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I try to live day by day or hour by hour when it's tough but these days it is getting harder and harder. I see my therapist twice a week, my psychiatrist once a week, and my dietician once a week so that I can have as much support as possible right now and they are all amazing it's just hard when you get 30, 45, maybe 60 minutes with them.
    I can't even go to the local hospital if I felt like I really needed that because my sister is there (I guess I don't know what they would do but I know we can't be on the same unit and they use to have two and right now they only have one open and are just combining everyone) and the next closest one that has a mental health unit is an hour away. Maybe if I just go to bed I'll be ok- maybe my sleep meds will knock me out (all though I know I will wake up several times during the night) and at least make it to tomorrow but then I am sure the thoughts will be back.
    Anyone have tools they use when they get to that point where the suicidal thoughts just keep sneaking in and even get stronger.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would hope you can reach out to a councilor a therapist that could help you deal with the pressures you are feeling the struggles you are facing
  3. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    It's terrible to be in pain. Is there any reason why you haven't got good pain relief? The Drs might be arguing over the diagnosis but you remain in pain. That can't be right. I'm really sorry that you've had two accidents at work. That is very bad luck. Hopefully your compensation claim will be settled soon and you can get back to work and clear your bills. In the UK we have an organisation called the Citizens Advice Bureau as well as debt advice organisations that help with managing debt. Being proactive and getting advice early is really helpful and can prevent a lot of later difficulties. Is there anything similar in the US?
    I also struggle with suicidal thinking and plans. One thing that I learnt from therapy though is that they are just thoughts and you have control over your actions. Having only one week's medication at a time sounds really helpful. The other thing to remember is that most methods are not easy or reliable. The last thing you need is to wake up with the consequences of a serious attempt. When I worked in a healthcare setting I looked after a young woman who made three attempts. Each attempt resulted in further disability and by the time I met her she was seriously disabled and in chronic pain. It was a very sad story. Knowing what I do about the potential consequences of most unsuccessful methods helps keep me safe.
    I'm interested in Buddhism and I've found their teaching that thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky really helpful. It also helps with pain. The pain will come to an end as it has a direct physical cause. There are some really good guided meditations for coping with pain online or you can get CDs or mp3 tracks.
    As you know mental illness while not 'contagious' does run in families so it is not surprising that your sister suffers from similar difficulties to you.
    Take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2014
  4. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I think your name is very appropriate because you are very brave to go through everything you just described. You clearly have a great heart because of your desire to teach and how you feel about your sister. We need more teachers like you in this world with that kind of caring heart.

    Probably the most important thing for you right now is to be as honest and direct as possible with any therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist you are seeing. That way, they have the most accurate information they need to help you the most.

    You've got it in you to get through this, but it just seems your plate is so full right now. Unfortunately, life and the solutions we want don't always agree on a timetable; so, as difficult as it may be, you might just need a lot of patience. When it comes to bureaucracy, patience is the name of the game. As an accountant, I do a lot of work with the government and with worker's comp for a lot of our clients. To say they are ran horribly is an understatement, but many people are in the same boat as you when it comes to those particular issues. I know that doesn't help your current situation, but I do believe you're going to get through this and eventually get back to doing what you love.

    Don't give up yet! Step back and realize this is a lot for you to take on reasonably, and that it's OK that you can't fix everything at once, but with time things can start to get better.

    Glad you found this site, too! It's been a good thing for many people, me included. Please keep posting on here if nothing else. It does help!
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Brave - the question at the bottom of your post is a great one, about tools. We do need them, and the great thing is that they are there to be found. I would agree that you do need to speak, if at all possible, to a counsellor about what you are thinking and the reasons for it - they will be able to suggest tools to you to help you navigate. They always work on our "self-talk" about what we tell ourselves. My mentor told me once "There are no hopeless situations, there are only people who have become hopeless about their situation" - so the tools to use are the ones that you can intuit have some hope-restoring potential to them, and when hope becomes restored we know that, even though we might have to wait as in the case of recovering from a physical injury, the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter - and it often does this when we tell ourselves that it will and then move towards it, so it does :)
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