Feeling like this world would be better off without me.......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by existence, Nov 9, 2011.

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  1. existence

    existence New Member

    I suppose I'm here because I don't want to die, but feel as if there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm feeling as if I'm nothing but a useless burden and constant disappointment to those around me, that others will always see me as an outsider, never as a human being, for the simple reason that I'm a foreign expat who has absolutely no right to be here...... Not only that, but my friends and co-workers never stand up for me when I'm in trouble, they will never support me when I need help. If something else goes wrong, it's my fault for being the imbecilic foreigner who should have taken more responsibility, and no matter how hard I work at something, it's never hard enough.

    I'm a Canadian expat living in Japan, am getting married next month, and have been teaching here for over 7 years.
    My true passion in life is underground music, and my true love in life is my soon to be wife, which is why I decided to take this job I'm at now, to provide for her, and to support my dream.
    Little did I know this job was mainly career-oriented, and in Japan that means for people who want to devote their entire 24 hour existence to the teaching profession, which is just something I can't do, because there are so many things outside work that are more important to me, but now I have no time for.
    I'm expected to put in overtime and not get paid for it, and attend the same meetings as everyone else, but get paid less than everyone else. I also get treated as an outsider by everyone.... people just don't talk to or communicate with me at work, even though i speak Japanese, outright ignore me when I have any questions to ask, and constantly whisper about me, as if I'm not in the same room with them, like an animal in a zoo. Yet I'm expected to be one of the "team" and put in the same hours as everyone else.....
    I also can never keep promises outside work, because I never know if I'll be home before 9 or not, I can never schedule gigs or band practice, because I never know if I can make it or not.

    This atmosphere of people whispering about me constantly has just ate away at my mental health, yet I can't take a day off, can't have a sick day, and can't talk to anyone about how I feel due to how people in this culture frown on honesty and exposing emotions. No one would care anyways..... they view me as an expat whose presence here is his own choice, and anything he suffers because of it is his own damn fault.

    The only thing keeping me going is my wife, and I promised her I'd keep this job for 3 years, but this means I have to give up everything else, though quitting would mean going back to poverty and making things worse.
    But I'm just not happy here.
    I really feel unwelcome here as a foreign intrusion into this country, even though there are many things I love about Japan, the working lifestyle isn't one of them.
    I will be honest,
    I can't focus on my work because not only is it not my passion, but I have no time for anything else to refresh my mind. People are expected to work endlessly and never think about anything else.

    On top of that, my friends are all getting fed up with me making promises I can't keep......

    I have Manic Depressive Psychosis, and I'm very aware that my depression is something from within, but it just won't go away.....
    I'm also beginning to lose enjoyment of music, because it too is becoming another job, or chore.
    I'm also beginning to lose enjoyment out of other things in life and living in general. I wake up each morning feeling sick to my stomach knowing I'm still existing, and all food makes me sick.

    The only one keeping me here is my wife, and sometimes I feel like she'd be happier without me fucking up her life with my existence.....
    Perhaps my death will inspire people to change this society...... or maybe not, because no one cares. Caring has nothing to do with work.....
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so comforted that you do not want to die...it must be so isolating to spend so much time with people who are so closed minded...maybe look at this as an experiment, one which you will write about as you experience it...I am sure people in the US and Canada would love to know your experiences...about your love of music...can you find time after you get home to spend even a half hr to devote to it? Maybe not meeting with your friends, but still giving that joy to your spirit? And no, your soon to be wife would NEVER be better without you...she would not be there with you were it the case, especially when you are to be married soon...three years does sound so long, but you will be surprised how fast it can go if you suspend judgement and expect your co-workers to be the way they are...it is probably their insecurities and their culture...please keep posting and telling us what is going on; I, for one, am very interested in your experiences...and welcome again
     
  3. existence

    existence New Member

    I suppose it doesn't help that I really don't fit(or want to fit) the typical conservative office stereotype here.
    I have tattoos, long black hair, and love dark, underground music, of all kinds.

    Now the typical patronizing mainstreamer would probably look at me, and my character, and my present state of mind, and tell me that my taste in music and lifestyle is the problem. It's the exact opposite, this morbid music and love of art and the supernatural adventurous side of existence is the only thing that keeps me going. It gives me not only a sense of fantasy, but also gives me a sort of ideology or philosophy to live my life by.
    I was born to be free, I was born to create, I was born for adventure, and very few people want to understand that, or care to. It scares them because they don't understand it, don't even try to bother to understand me, and they want to take that all away from me...... My family, peers, co-workers. Even my wife has difficulty understanding, but at least she tries, and I love her for that.

    What terrifies me and depresses me more than anything is being forced to live the same kind of boxed-in, emotionless, cold, suit & tie, cloned robotic life that everyone else here lives.
    When I am forced into doing exactly that, I see no point to go on, as I have finally become exactly the kind of thing I despise, and as I get older, the chances for living my ideal life and being what I want to be grow smaller as I get stuck in the loop of everyone else's conformed slavery.

    I really feel like the entire world is against me and my dreams, but due to survival and promises I've made, there seems like there's no way out.
    I fear if I quit my job, my wife would leave me.
    I suggested to my wife living in Canada or Europe after my contract's up, as things are a bit more relaxed there, but she's a teacher also, and a proud one. She would be just as depressed there as I am here.....
     
  4. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Have you ever been as open and honest with your wife about your feelings as you were on your posts? She may know your unhappy but does she know the extent? Ill wait for a reply before going on :)
     
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