Feeling like, why should I bother anymore?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Oct 24, 2013.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm so tired, so tired of feeling unpredictable, so tired of mood cycling, so tired of everything. Due to my failures with mental health services, and yes I have shouted LOUD but it has not got me anywhere, I just don' see the point in continuing to fight. Lets face it, they want me dead. They don't care. I can't get better all by myself, but all they have done is made everything worse. I cannot live like this anymore, the only way out is if they miraculously have a change of heart (not gonna happen) or I die. No brainer really. Nothing else matters, I don't care about the devastation, I just do not care anymore.
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Butterfly, I'm really sorry you feel this way. I don't know who wants you dead, but I for one, wants you to be alive. I don't know what kind of problem you face, but I'm here. You have us here. We are your family. I hope things get better for you. Maybe you can write your problem here, I'll listen to whatever you gonna. I'm sorry hun.

  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    *waits for the beep*


    I care, and I don't want you dead. Here if you need anything. :hug:
  4. torn23

    torn23 Member


    We would all miss you so much. I know how it can feel as though nothing will ever change. The one thing that is true about this life though is that something always changes. We all want you to stay on this plane with us, join us for get-togethers on chat, keep showing up for all of us and for yourself. You mean so much to everybody here. Hang in there. We all care, we all want you to stay here. (((big hugs)))

  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    (((( Lexi )))) sorry you are not getting the psych help you really need.. try to revive some energy somehow and knock loudly at their door occasionally and do ask again.. just maybe they will then come to your aid..

    sister, you are loved a lot on here.. me included.. I ain't much but what there is your's for the taking always. so many times you post in the staff forums and I wonder how did she know exactly what I was thinking???? lol feel you are a real kindred spirit of mine..being nice to us: great minds think alike..lol

    I am having a pity party of my own today.. wish we lived near each other.. maybe trying to rouse your good spirits would force me to do the same for myself.. would love to hold your hand , be with you and tell you just how much I respect, admire and basically love all of you!!!!
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I just don't have it in me :( the thoughts have been awfully dark today and I struggled to get out of bed. I'm attempting to go to the fair tonight just to get myself out of the house and have a break from it for a while. Fiance doesn't know what to do with me and is struggling taking care of me. It breaks my heart to see his heart breaking and it's all my fault. All because I have an inability to have normal thoughts and emotions. Sigh, I cannot do this anymore, I really can't.
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Lexi xxxoooxxx if you get to point where you are not really safe anymore, please take action to get yourself to ER, or call the cops , or scream on phone to mental health center's receptionist I really do need some help now.. please do not take your own life.. things can change and get better.. I ain't shitting you sweetheart..
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I do understand, now, why you are feeling this way. But Jimk is right, things can improve. It's lasting and getting through the dark muddy crap that is the hardest thing to do. But on other side of that things will be better. You are a good person, you deserve a lot and your bf is lucky to have you. ( even if you currently feel otherwise). You know yourself and if things get too intense and strong, please reach out irl. :hug:
  9. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    I have little in me at the moment, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel. Please remember - as harsh as it sounds and as much as I wish it were different - in the end, it is WE who have to care about keeping ourselves safe. I learned (and really, am still learning) this the hard way. Yes, services (or lack thereof) can really suck - please don't lose something as precious as your life over the system's and/or other people's shortcomings. I am fighting the same battle today... please stay safe and don't give up - you deserve better.
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    The problem is that I don't want to reach out irl anymore. There's no point, I always end up back here. They never help anyway. I don't see how things can improve, I've tried to keep positive, and keep achieving things despite my difficulties, but for what??? To constantly feel like shit, to feel 10x worse than I did before. I'm counting down till I go through with it, I can't wait to be finally free.
  11. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    I'm right there with you Lexi - it's getting more and more difficult to reach out... maybe you can relate, but in my case, I feel almost as though I keep allowing my pride and/or sense of self-worth to be wounded when I ask for help... because when I'm ignored or don't really have my needs taken seriously, I only feel worse... I mean, how worthless must I be for that to happen?? That's what goes through my head anyway.

    I too have tried to keep positive, to keep moving forward despite all the challenges... and yes, it is so incredibly hard sometimes - I'm not going to deny that. You ask why keep going, why keep trying. My answer would be... because you won't always feel as intensely as you do now. Because you may wake up tomorrow, or the day after, and be glad you're alive. Because once you're dead - that's it - there's no chance, no opportunity for anything. But while you're still alive, you have the opportunity to experience some of life's beauty - wherever that beauty lies for you. You may not see it now (as I don't really), but there is beauty, and there are things you'll be glad you stuck around for - trust me.

    Hats off to you for keeping strong, and not only that - but actually trying to better your life.
  12. MrGrumpy

    MrGrumpy Member

    You mention failures with mental health services, do you suffer from mental health problems? Might seem like a silly question, you're obviously well known here if you have almost 4,400 posts over 4-years but I only joined a couple of days ago so I obviously don't know anything about you, so apologies in advance if I make any incorrect assumptions :shocked:. I do know about mental health problems and England's mental health services though because I've got some family members who have serious mental health problems, the worst case being a paranoid schizophrenic. The thing with mental health problems is... nobody knows what causes them, what they are, how to define them or even how to treat them. It's all guesswork. All they can do is try different combinations of medication and hope some work. But even then there are problems because two people with the exact same mental health issues can be given the same drug and it might cure one of them but make the other one even worse than before. All guesswork!

    Now my family member with paranoid schizophrenia, he was on a certain combination of medication from age 20-40, it wasn't a cure though. It stopped him hearing voices and whatnot, but it put him into a sort of trance where he'd basically just lay in bed all day listening to the radio, not wanting to do anything at all. After 20 years he had a serious breakdown and became convinced the entire world was out to get him, ripped his house apart from top to bottom looking for spy cameras and microphones he was sure people had hidden to monitor his every movement, thought and word. He was put into a mental health facility for two months while they tried new combinations of medicine. They finally found one that worked and he came out 3-years ago and he's a completely new man. If you met him and got to know him you'd never even be able to guess that he might be a paranoid schizophrenic because with the right medication... he's completely normal.

    So I would say... keep trying with them, you might find what you need.
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