Feeling lonely and hurt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by craigj, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. craigj

    craigj Member

    I've just read the post "When You Feel You Can’t Go On Please Hold On", and the way I'm feeling - so angry, so lonely, so betrayed, so confused and in pain, so hurt and despairing, such a waste of space with absolutely no sign of a glimmer of light at the end of a black tunnel - the post, as touching as it is to have me in tears, hasn't altered my thinking that I'd be better off dead.

    I recently lost my partner whom I love very very much, to a work colleague who befriended us both and then took her away from me. He had not been working with me for very long, but quite quickly I trusted him and I saw him as a friend. I used to go out with him for a drink after work, and slowly but surely what I can see now is that he found out a lot about me, such as myself and my partner were going through a rocky patch, but, I hoped and prayed that we would work it out and certainly I believed we could and would.

    I actually introduced him to my now ex partner, and on a few occasions we'd sit and have a few drinks together. He told me that, as a friend, he would try and help us by talking to her about some issues we were having, and I stupidly trusted that this was his only intention.

    A couple of weeks back I went out one afternoon with this work colleague and my then partner turned up at te place we were having a drink. I felt as she looked so beautiful and had gone to such an effort to look nice that I'd quickly go home and have a shower then put on some cleaner clothes. She told me that I looked fine but I insisted that I leave for a short time and would be back soon. My work colleague told me that he would look after her while I went home. I was only gone for 30 minutes and when I returned, my work colleague said that as he was talking to my then partner, I should sit and have a drink elsewhere in the place. I stupidly STUPIDLY believed that he was trying to help. I stupidly STUPIDLY believed that I could trust him, and I never for one second thought that he would have feelings for her which he intended acting upon.

    I sat there on my own, with him popping up now and again just to say that everything was ok and that he was just talking with my partner about me. I sat there whilst my partner texted me to ask where I was, and to go over to here, and he kept coming over and telling me that everything was ok, and that he was just talking to her.

    I left finally after being told by this so called friend, that he would come and get me in about 30 minutes, but when that passed I had had enough. I left only to find my partner turning the corner outside in front of me with him. She texted me that she loved me, and that there was nothing at all going on. I still STUPIDLY did nothing other that to inflame the situation by texting back that they looked like a nice couple. What a stupid thing to say.

    I so so regret listening to this man. I so so regret not listening to my partner and going over to her, because, by the end of that evening he had managed somehow my other work colleagues told me, who were there and saw them - hold her hand and put his arm around her. We were going through a patch that could have been resolved, and the work colleague preyed on our vulnerability. She later told me that she had feelings for him and within days he was beginning to visit her at home and sleeping with her..

    I am so angry, NOT with her, but with him and myself. I feel as if I have lost a huge part of my life that I'll never ever get back. I feel that I could have - stopped this.

    I am a waste of space.
  2. querida

    querida Well-Known Member

    I am so so sorry. This may seem crazy but have you tried talking to her. You'd be surprised how understanding she may be and may cut him off entirely. Do you have any other friends or family you can go and talk to. I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. But i know they will get better.
  3. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hold on craig, i understand how you feel, my situation is not exactly the same but i have lost the light of my life too, you may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but i have been told its there. i feel the anger and pain as you do, please hold on and see what happens. unlike me you may have the chance to sort this out with your ex by talking, he may just be a passing fancy as it were.
    take care.

    p.s no one is a waste of space
  4. craigj

    craigj Member

    Thank you for your reply. We are actually talking right now and have been for a few hours, but sadly, to my deepest regret, the situation isn't going to change and, how can I describe it other than to say that a clock is counting down and I can feel my life about to end sometime soon. I just feel so hurt. I'm actually frightened that I can feel myself getting closer and closer to ending my life. I've lost a part of my life that I can never regain and the hurt is more painful than anything I have ever known in my life previously. I love this woman so very very much.
  5. craigj

    craigj Member

    Holding on is becoming extremely difficult as each hour passes, and this coming weekend I'm going to be totally alone and I'm very aware that I my finally tip over the edge and kill myself. Thank you for saying that no one is a waste of space, but that's exactly how I feel, and that feeling won't go away at all. Our relationship is over and I'm so angry with myself for not preventing the situation from occuring, that I feel my life is now totally not worth living. The fear of killing myself is getting less and less.
  6. j0rd4n

    j0rd4n Guest

    hey man your not a waste of space. you didnt do anything to deserve this, just being a normal person. and some people in this world cant be trusted. i know how you feel, and that is really fucking lame. sorry but reading that just pisses me off how that can happen to you. but regardless you are not a waste of space and just try to move on. people here are always available to talk. feel better.
  7. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    whatever you decide to do is your own choice my friend but there are other ways to carry on, it will be a struggle, i know as my life is just that but i am trying to see something other than that 1 choice, i have been close to suicide a couple of times but something holds me back. i may not see it yet and nor do you but there has to be something more.
    be strong and take care
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    the anger is natural but to turn it towards yourself is destructive, you are not to blame and nothing is your fault.
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