feeling lost after break-up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by catspunge, Dec 30, 2010.

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  1. catspunge

    catspunge Member


    I'm feeling pretty desperate at the moment.

    Basically my 10 year relationship with my first love broke up about 5 months ago. The root of the breakup was my depression and anxiety which I have been suffering from over the last 4 years.

    I was suicidal during one particularly bad period, but for most of the time I became very insular and was constantly anxious about my possible health (Had a theory I had a major heart problem.. all in the mind).

    For the last couple of years I found the only way of coping with the situation was to try and keep those feeling inside me, which meant communication with my partner just went downhill... it wasn't that I didn't love her, just that I knew the effect my constant worrying was having on her, so I just became very distant.

    I been seeking help from my Dr for years, asking them to refer me, but they always stated that I couldn't get help on the NHS and I could never afford to go private.

    Anyway 5 months ago my ex basically said that the last couple of years had left her emotionally empty and that we could not both get better together (which is probably true).

    Now however I've had my therapy and I'm making real progress with my anxiety and I just wish that I was referred 3 years ago when this first happened. I now feel that I have ruined the only good thing that was happening in my life and added to that I have dragged her down with me.

    We are in the process of selling the flat we lived in, and I have approached the subject of the future we may or may not have, but all she says is that she can't get back with me or even think about it as she is emotionally numb but that she doesn't know what may happen in the future.

    I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel like I have totally messed the whole thing up... and that I should have been stronger and got through these problems on my own. I still love her, and I'm now left with the feeling that I'm the one who lost it by not recovering (something which she said to me).

    I don't see a long term future for myself and the only thing that is keeping me going is the chance that after a complete break from each other with no attachments (i.e. flat) that we might reconnect when we are both happier people. But its getting harder by the day.

    I'm having these strange thoughts about killing myself, just in order to upset her? This makes utterly no sense I know, but I just want her to realise how much I meant to her.

    I know the sensible thing would be to "get over it" and move on, but its just not that simple. I love her and this illness has ruined everything, and I just don't see myself ever getting over it.

    Need advice
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    'Getting over it and moving on' isn't simple at all. In fact until you've been through the whole grieving process, its downright impossible.
    That's where you are right now - in the middle of the grieving process. You're going to have to work your way through it one day at a time.
    Its appalling that your doctor refused you the correct treatment 3 years ago. That should never have happened.
    It did happen though and now you have to deal with the fallout. Firstly, it is not your fault that any of this has happened and you mustn't waste any energy on guilt. You need to save the energy for getting well.
    I'm so sorry that your partner wasn't able to continue in your relationship but she does clearly need a break. Our loved ones go through a terrible time when we're ill. They usually have no knowledge of the illness and they're thrown onto a very steep learning curve. That is emotionally draining for people and they do need respite away from it. You must have heard the saying 'If you love someone, let them go. If they love you, they'll come back' and it really does apply to your situation.
    You have no knowledge of what might happen in the future and right now you need to just accept that you don't really have control over what might happen. You've got to continue on your own healing path and allow your partner to follow her healing path.
    After that...who knows? She might come back or you might meet someone else. Anything could happen and it might just be something good happens and not something bad.
    Work on your recovery and whilst you're getting better, arm yourself with as much knowledge of your own condition as possible. Knowledge is power. Look into wider coping strategies etc. Get as strong as you need to be.
    Sending hugs xxx
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