Feeling lost and empty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eraserhead, Jun 25, 2010.

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  1. eraserhead

    eraserhead Member

    Hey there,

    I'm new to this place, so forgive me if I'm not in the right forum or something. I came here sort of out of desperation. I've been depressed and suicidal for as long as I can remember but nobody has ever known because I guess I figured if I couldn't deal with it on my own that it was just another sign of my failure and weakness. Now I feel like I've come to a point where I have nowhere to go and have used up my reserves of whatever it was that I relied upon within myself.

    Things have always been bad, but have gotten worse ever since I started graduate school a year ago. I wouldn't say I really had any roots where I was, and moving to a new place didn't result in the creation of any new bonds like I had hoped it would. Now it looks like I'm going to be kicked out of grad school and I'm not even sure I want to stay anyway. It doesn't seem like I want anything at all and that's the worst part. That and the feeling that if I fail or even if I succeed there is not one person who really gives a sh*t either way, not even me.

    So I don't want to go on and on about this, but I guess I have to say something to someone about this, even if it's through an anonymous forum post like this. Nobody wants to hear this kind of stuff and I don't want to burden anyone with it, so this seems like the only way to unload and maybe get some kind of alternative perspectives or something...
  2. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.... I'm not sure this will help but I went through exaclly what u did feeling suicidal all the time and not wanting to burden anyone.... But you have to find some sort of release... You should talk to a doctor.. It's not a quick fix but it will help... I can say from experience it will take ages to get any better but talking does help... I feel really bad when talking to my two friends who know about this and I don't go into to much detail but I hate doing it but without them I would be dead... They want to help... Maybe u have a friend you could talk to?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...there are many ppl here who understand what you are going through...it is so disappointing when one does not get what one hopes...feels like you are worse off...btw...been there several times...hope you stay and get the support you want and deserve...welcome again, big hugs, J
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi eraserhead and welcome to SF. :hug: Maybe graduate school isn't what you need to be doing right now? Is there any way that you can take a leave from it for a while and when you are better you can return to it? You could always try doing something else and see what interests you. Suicide isn't the option that you should choose. It sounds like you need a change of pace. Maybe a change into another field might be what you really want? :hug:
  5. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    You can always unburden yourself on us. We don't mind - that's why this forum exists.
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    We all need each other.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! If you have no support system then you should find a good therapist..They really do help.. You will learn coping skills and the difference in cognitive distortions..I agree you should talk to a school counselar and let them know you are suffering from depression and it's affecting your grades.. Let them know you want to take a break from school and return later when you have sorted things out..I wish you the best...
  8. eraserhead

    eraserhead Member

    Hey everyone, thanks for your words... I do feel that leaving graduate school would be a good change of pace, I'm just scared that I won't be able to do better than this and that I won't make it back if I end up wanting to return in the future. I know leaving this program will be the end here because my advisors have basically already said that. Unfortunately, leaving means I'd have to re-apply elsewhere and it's a very competitive process because I'm an artist. And right now everyone's trying to go back to school because the economy isn't so good and there are less jobs all around.

    It scares me to think that I'll leave here with the intention of turning things around, only to end up miserable and doing nothing with my life. But then I think I'm already doing nothing with my life because I'm not enjoying what I do and I've got nobody to share the ups and downs with. It's horrible being alone. I noticed another thread here about that subject and it's tough. If I find myself attracted to someone I think it's better to leave it be because I'm in no shape to be a good partner. But then I sort of think that being with someone else would make me happier temporarily... idk...

    Anyway, I know suicide doesn't solve anything but sometimes it just seems like you go through the motions all your life for no reason and why not just end it. But on the other hand, if you can't really justify life then by the same logic you can't justify death. I don't want to die exactly, but I don't want to live the way I do either. If nothing seems pleasurable and you are alone all the time... idk, it's so pointless to try to think through it.

    thanks again, and I do hope to find some solace here.
  9. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    Grad school was the worst time of my life too Eraserhead - the cold and arrogant elitism, the cliques, the politics and parties, and the isolation are a deadly combo. Suicide (I believe) is the number one killer of grad students in the country.

    My life has been better since leaving grad school, though I still plan on killing myself eventually. At least I'm not in that place beyond suicide where I was in grad school.

    What's your topic and focus in grad school anyways.
  10. eraserhead

    eraserhead Member

    Some of my friends who've gotten their MFAs have told me much the same, that grad school was horrible for them and psychological hell on earth. I guess I was pretty messed up long long long before grad school, but now it feels like I'm going over the edge of sanity.

    I'm glad to hear you're better since leaving, even if you still plan on suicide. I'm studying printmaking, but it's not actually what I do. MFA students aren't expected to make paintings just because they're in a painting program for example. I've been making sculptures and installations mostly, and getting lots of shows and publications of my work. But my advisors here... I don't know, it's like none of that matters to them. I think they kind of hate me on philosophical principles more than anything, which is entirely unprofessional but they have the power not me.

    How about you Autumnal? What did you do and how did you deal with it? Did you quit the program or finish it out? All the things you mentioned are spot-on accurate. The social and political games... UGH! Why can't people just be real?
  11. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. :hug:
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    It's kind of nice having graduate students here on SF. After I completed university, I got rejected from all of the graduate programs that I applied to, so I took a year off then applied to teachers college and I became a teacher. Getting rejected from graduate school turned out to be a good thing, because I really enjoy being a high school math teacher. It gives my life purpose knowing that I'm helping students to learn. :smile:
  13. eraserhead

    eraserhead Member

    On the grad school/depression/suicide topic, in case there are any other grads or prospective grads reading, here's an article with some good comments and discussion.


    I'm trying to get up the nerve to just tell them I'm done with this program. Maybe nothing changes after I leave, but I plan to at least try another path for awhile...
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    If a break is what you need, then you should ask for it. It's much better to take a break and 'live to fight another day' than to try to tough it out and end up more depressed and suicidal than before. Take time off for some rest and relaxation. :smile:
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