Feeling Lost

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wez1987, Jun 23, 2013.

  1. wez1987

    wez1987 New Member

    I honestly don’t know where to begin apart from I have been extremely depressed for about 2 years now with no sign of it stopping. It just seems to get worse and worse with every passing day.I know the reasons why I am feeling this way but i feel absolutely powerless to be able to fix my sorry situation.

    It all started 25th of December 2011. That’s right, my slippery slope began on a day of celebration. A day in which most are having fun and laughing. On Christmas the girl I have been with for 3 years, and who I loved with every atom of my being left with my son who was about 6 months at the time. I felt like I had my heart, soul, everything just sucked out of me, Leaving a holly shell of what I once was. I've never felt the since this that day, always had that empty feeling which I’ve tried to fill with alcohol, drug (Weed) and sex, even food has lost its taste. I just don’t get any satisfaction out of any of it. I used to enjoy life and have fun socialising with friends, going to pub on a weekend. I used to be a proper “gamer” I used to love them. Real time strategy game were my favourite such as Total war medieval 2 or or the old skool Stronghold games. No matter how many times it took me to figure out the correct way to complete any given mission, I wouldn't give, I always found a way to win. Shame I don’t have that determination now when it is needed most.

    A few weeks after she left me I find myself reminiscing about all the good times we shared and what I could of done that might of made her stay, slowly driving myself insane with my own thoughts about “what ifs”. When I felt like I just couldn’t take much more I started getting these rather scary thoughts of suicide, A inner voice telling me just to let go and that I had nothing left to lose.
    I don’t know if it was the weed with the mixture of alcohol or just my sub conscience, either way I tried it. <mod edit - methods> I couldn’t even kill myself properly! I tried again after that with pills and alcohol but still woke up in the morning feeling like crap and throwing up for 24hrs after that. After that I thought it best just to be killed instead of doing it myself, which I’ve had no luck with. Everywhere I went I didn’t pay attention to traffic, walking out without looking or even caring what happened. I didn’t think, there’s a road let’s try it. It was more, if I had to cross over and be on the other side for a reason, I’d do it. Like that makes a difference. Maybe I would of felt differently if I had any friends in the area but after spending my childhood and being raised in Liverpool (Belle Vale if anybody knows that area)I had no such person to confide in. So many times I have thought of leaving town I am in now to go back there, but how can I when my son is here. 200miles across the country is a little far to keep in touch. To be totally honest with you, after my ex left me I lost my ability to trust anyone and the state I was in I was incapable of making friends.
    Quite some time later my ex allowed me to see my son which I was apprehensive about at first, because what kind of father could I be with so much such rattling around my head. Especially with these suicidal tendencies. I spoke things through with her and she apologised for the way she just upped and left and we started to get back on “talking terms” with each other. Still feeling very depressed and suicidal but not so much were I couldn’t control it. So I agreed to have my son overnight, which I noticed rather quickly it was when it suited her.

    Anyway its 2years later now and even though I have been on several dates since we split I am still in love with my ex. I’ve never stopped loving her and she knows just! Not that long ago while dropping my son off she came out with “oh by the way, I had a sex dream about you last night”. Seriously, what the hell would make her tell me that when she knows how I felt? After thinking it over for a few days I messaged her asking her if we could talk. Knowing that her and her douche bag of a new fella was going through a bad patch, I thought she still had feeling for me. I asked her why she said it and she says she doesn’t know. But me being stupid said “maybe you still have some feelings for me” which she says she doesn’t. “I can’t go back” she says. I guess I can understand that, ex’s are ex’s for a reason I guess, still don’t like it though. Now now after she said she had a dream about me I am unable to stop thinking about her and feels like I am about to do a whole 180° and end up straight back where I started.

    On top of all that I am about to be evicted from my private rented flat and with me only working part time these days I still receive housing benefits and unable to afford a private property. If by some chance I could scape up £450+ for bond, first month’s rent and admin fees to move into a new place, all private landlords are asking for a guarantor which I don’t have. I have tried everything I can think of to try and get a full time job but with no official qualifications or work experience I have slim chance. Even McDonalds won’t hire me. It’s impossible. I have been to my local housing office and explained what is about to happen and they say because my son has accommodations with his mother they are do not fit there criteria and just handed me a sheet of paper with a list of hostels on and told to go visit them. For starters, there were about 5 hostels on the list and all are full and 3 were for woman and children who suffered some sort of domestic abuse. Personally I am at the stage where I am thinking of just giving up because I can’t see any light at the end of this dark tunnel.

    What do I do from here?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I wanted to let you know I read this. I am sorry for the difficult situation. Moving on past somebody can be very hard but really until that happens nothing can improve much. I am not overly familiar with housing programs in UK but maybe some of out UK members may have idea in that area.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to SF.

    I have some degree of understanding of how awkward it can be for a single guy to get into somewhere to live in the UK. I have to rewind back to 2007 to have my memories of trawling through local authorities and shelters and everything. Is there absolutely no way you can return to family?

    On top of that I also appreciate how challenging it is to not be involved in my kids life (I have an 8 year old son I haven't seen since Jan of 2007) - you have one up on me there. Even if it is convenient for her for you having him overnight, your priority should be your child (yes - I made that mistake and regretted it ever since).

    I think you might need to find some way of getting to a doc to see what might be available to help you start to move on. But as for the housing needs, if you could stay at a families place, it should in theory be a cheaper alternative than a private landlord.

    The other thing - is unless you've managed to quell the alcohol or weed use, that'd be a good place to start - you'd save money that you could then use a bit more sparingly. Just a thought anyway.