Feeling lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citron, Apr 22, 2014.

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  1. Citron

    Citron New Member

    I'm new to the group, and hope to find people I can talk to here.

    I don't really know what I'm allowed to talk about here. There's a lot of things in recent and far more distant past that make me want to crawl into a hole or worse. But I don't know what I can talk about, and what I can't, and this might end up being useless, but I need help, and calling people is out of the question, phones panic me, and I can't go to the hospital, I've tried that and it's one of the reasons I'm feeling this way this week.

    So yeah, this probably isn't going to help. But I've got to do something, or...or. I saw the rule about threats and whatnot, and don't want to make one of those, but I really need help.
  2. jesseloxx

    jesseloxx Guest

    I've been through the same! i really feel like i can help...please feel free to email me at jesseloxx@gmail.com
    i promise i will help you the best i can. i can't stand to see people hurting and i will understand everything, i will not judge you. <3
  3. Milhouse

    Milhouse Member

    Is there a specific reason for this or is it lots of different things that have gone wrong?
  4. Citron

    Citron New Member

    Both, I suppose.

    I have a room in my mind where I keep all my memories, so I don't have to look at them. I can't remember most of my life - it's all behind doors I've locked and barred for so long there's rust on the locks, but recent events have been ripping open some of those doors and shoving those memories in my face, and when things happen like what's been happening the last couple of weeks, I don't know what to do. I've spent the last several days trying to come up with reasons to keep on going, and it would just be so peaceful and quiet and nice to not have to go on anymore. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on the edge of a cliff I can't see and can't feel, but I know it's there and all it will take is one tiny mis-step and I'll be in it and never make my way out. And all I want is for it to be over, I want to rest. I want to find my way home and never have to leave again.
  5. Just an idea, but is there anything you can do that's so engaging for you that it'll take your mind off your memories? I find sometimes a video game helps get my mind off stuff, in a way that other things usually can't. I'd imagine some particularly fun form of exercise might be an equivalent for other people. Doesn't matter much what it is, just that it distracts you for long enough that things start to subside... Doesn't always work either, unfortunately.

    You probably know yourself better than I do though, so would know if it's a stupid idea or not.
  6. Citron

    Citron New Member

    I've been trying the usual suspects, video games, taking a walk, working on my cross-stitch, but they don't seem to be helping this time. Talking it out online does seem to be helping a little though, at least in giving me something else to think about.
  7. If talking it out helps, I don't really know what to say, but I am curious about something. How did you manage to lock all your memories away in a room? I kinda wish I could manage that, since mine torment me all the time. Does it really help in the long run, you think? I mean here you are, so I wonder if it's something I should look into, or if it's just kind of pushing them down the road to deal with later...
  8. Citron

    Citron New Member

    I don't know how I did it, I don't know how it started. I can't remember, at all, the first 8 years of my life. After that, it's just bits and pieces - kind of like a jigsaw puzzle when you only have a handful of the pieces and no idea of what the picture is supposed to be. It was fine when they stayed locked up, but they're coming out now, and it's not been good.
  9. I think it's pretty normal for people to not remember much of anything from before about age seven. Saying this cause of a study I read about not long ago (this one)... apparently something happens in development that causes people to kind of disconnect from their early childhood memories. I'm not sure what happened lately to bring it all back, but you might want to try and get away from whatever it was... which is about the most obvious advice possible that you've already considered, but I can't really think of much else to say about it. I tend to think that time tends to heal all wounds, at least partially, it's just hard to get away from stuff that can continue re-aggrevating problems people are having. Which is why I say avoid stuff that can bring up those kinds of memories.
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    welcome Citron. that's a good name. you can talk about what you are going through.
  11. Milhouse

    Milhouse Member

    Unfortunately if we don't remember mistakes in our history, they're subject to repeating themselves, if you can see now what the problems/causes were then remember to avoid them in future. I know it's not always possible but it helps.
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