Feeling lost.

#1
I'm still having times where I struggle.

My ex was abusive emotionally, coersively and physically a few times.

I was walking on constant eggshells. I was not able to go out without her constantly calling or messaging me. I was the only one working for a year and supported us. I was not allowed to spend money without her looking at my online banking and asking what it was. I was called fat, ugly, a slob, useless, waste of air and shouted at all the time. The house was smashed. My things were broke. I didn't have any family photos apart from one. My family was not allowed to visit apart from certain ones. I lost all my friends. She told me she cheated on me and they were better. She gave me a black eye. She manipulated me. She humiliated me in public on a few occasions. She said my nan should just die when I found out she had cancer. I did not get to see my nan for 9 months before she died on boxing day and by this time she was a skeleton i didn't recognise. When she passed away, i got 1 day of seeing if i was okay and then it was back to doing everything and not caring if I was alright. I couldn't wake her up if she was napping. Dinner had to be done. The house had to look a certain way. Nothing was ever good enough. She didn't touch me. Once she got what she wanted in sex, she pushed me away and had a shower and I was not allowed to discuss her to anyone or speak about our problems.

I finally got the courage to chuck her out just over a week after my nan passed away because I couldn't do it anymore, her last words were 'I hope you are happy one day, we all love you've. I couldn't go on knowing I was not doing what my nan wanted and I lost the last bit of care, trust and love being with her. She smashed the house and my car, screaming at me.

I didn't feel safe in that house being 200 miles away from my family, it never felt like home. I was on eggshells from every little bang on the door, I couldn't settle. I didn't sleep properly but I still carried on working to keep myself busy.

I moved 170 miles back home, I got a better job, she doesn't know where I live and I gained a couple of new friends.

The feelings of not being good enough, feeling disgusting, fat, ugly, useless and being lost arise every now and then and I'm struggling at the moment, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

I want so bad for my nan to be alive so I can thank her for pushing me to do it and have that time with her back that I missed so she knows I love her.

I feel like I'm lost still and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all okay. When will someone be there for me the way I am for others?
 

On loop

Well-Known Member
#2
Well here πŸ€—πŸ€— (whispers) it's all gonna be Oookkkayyy 😊

Im terrible at responding to long stories coz I can't focus on one thing lol. Your ending statement for me is exactly where I'm at.. as for all that happened look mate you didn't deserve it and all the shit she said is only because shes shit and she knows it mate.
People shouldn't get away with talking to spouses like shit souly for the purpose of breaking them down to be more controllable

I wish I could be more help but my brains a jumble tonight
Can't straighten a single thought.
Do you find yourself procrastinating alot when you feel lonely? I stand staring at nothing thinking I can't do another day without someone to squeeze but then I snap back in and my minds in all the shitty memories from the past shit relationship

Anyway I Wana help if I can at least I can say peace mate
 

On loop

Well-Known Member
#3
Oh I meant to say πŸ˜‰ don't worry

The future has many surprises in store
Ups and downs but fuck it just try and enjoy the ride

Or summit like that lol
End on a positive push hehe
 
#4
Well here πŸ€—πŸ€— (whispers) it's all gonna be Oookkkayyy 😊

Im terrible at responding to long stories coz I can't focus on one thing lol. Your ending statement for me is exactly where I'm at.. as for all that happened look mate you didn't deserve it and all the shit she said is only because shes shit and she knows it mate.
People shouldn't get away with talking to spouses like shit souly for the purpose of breaking them down to be more controllable

I wish I could be more help but my brains a jumble tonight
Can't straighten a single thought.
Do you find yourself procrastinating alot when you feel lonely? I stand staring at nothing thinking I can't do another day without someone to squeeze but then I snap back in and my minds in all the shitty memories from the past shit relationship

Anyway I Wana help if I can at least I can say peace mate
Thank you!

The struggle is I know I didn't deserve it but I ask why me? When all I did for her and I believe the things she told me still.

Yeah I procrastinate a lot, I try to be positive but then all i think is people are shit, I'll never love like that again and I'm scared to let people in. I also struggle with social situations sometimes now as well and I never have.
 

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