Let me first say, I usually don't post on forums, but I've been lurking for a while and everyone seems so nice, so I just wanted to get some feedback. I'm a 29 year old male. I've always been depressed for as long as I remember. The first time (I remember) wanting to kill myself was at age 5. I've always lived with depression, and I've sort of come to accept it as part of who I am. About 5 months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. It was kinda a shock, but to be honest, I expected as much. I was very upset. I thought long and hard about it... I felt like my life was over. In all reality I kinda wanted to kill myself, but I really couldn't leave my fiancee to fend for herself. After talking to a few people at work, I found lots of support and suggestions. I started watching what I was eating, keeping track of my sugar levels, etc... I lost about 15 pounds the first month (about 60 pounds total so far). In that time period, it was my mission to read/learn/research/understand what I could about diabetes. During this time I experienced very little anger, depression... Oddly I was happy for a short time. After about a month, I had a sever panic attack. At the time I thought I just got sick, or maybe it was from the life style changes... I decided to go to sleep but I didn't sleep well. When I woke up my chest was hurting a little bit. I decided to check my blood pressure and it was way higher than normal, I also felt like I was shaking and very hot. I went and saw my doctor about it, she gave me some medicine (for short term use) and also prescribed a anti-depressant to help with other symptoms. I talked to my doctor and we decided on counseling before I start medications... (I didn't want to start them, because I didn't like them when I was a kid). I've been seeing a therapist for like 3 months now. I still feel really depressed, but not really more than normal. I still want to die, but I don't necessarily feel like killing myself. The therapist suggested medication so we have started on Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago. She said I should start feeling a difference after a couple weeks, but I really don't feel anything... The fact its not working is more depressing. I'm not sure, but I think I'm happiest when I'm in learning mode... when I have a problem to "conquer". I'm not sure if other people feel like that, but it seems to be how it works for me. If I have something to focus on with extreme amounts of devotion, then I'm happy. But lately... everything has been meh... I've been thinking about drinking again... it seems like the only thing that helps.