Feeling low

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Count Floyd, Mar 28, 2013.

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  1. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    I've suffered from depression all my life but the last ten years it's been terrible. Thing is this Sunday I'm going to 50 and I don't want to have this life at 50. I'm not going to kill myself right now, but I know I will die at my own hand at some point. The difference between me and the young folks suffering from the same thing in here is they have the potential for good things to happen to them still; their life can get better. Mine can't. Not at this point. I've never been married or had kids, I've never accomplished anything - my family thinks I'm a loser. I have a very small family and there's celebrating my BD on Sunday along with Easter however there wil be the "judging" me for being the loser I am. All my friends have abandoned me - all of them. I never got facebook because I don't want to be embarrassed for how little friends I'd have. I've been a failure at everything - if you knew what I did in my 20s and 30s you'd probably be impressed but it led no where except my wishing I had taken different paths in every aspect of my life. Every decision I've made was the wrong one. I probably sound like a "whoa is me" idiot, but everything I'm saying is dead on correct. I'm very self aware. I'm not one of those "I feel sorry for myself" people. I know the world has to have losers; that's my place. I've just accepted it at this point and basically wonder how much longer I can hang on.

    I was going to kill myself this past January but decided to hang on. I recognize I have that chemical in my brain that makes me feel that way. I've tried all the meds. All of them. A couple times I was on zoloft and it petered out after a while. I tried combos of meds. They don't work for me. None. I tried a combo of B vitamens someone in here suggested. Didn't work. I'm not religious, I stopped being religious a while back. God never answered any prayers my whole life. I read up on religion and realized what a sham it was (IMO). I'm a creative person and have lost all ambition to be creative in any way - completely lost it. I am not a people person. I find the older I get, the less I want to be around people. I'd love to find a woman but no woman will have me. None. I've tried all the dating sites. Girls I would have blown off 15 years ago now don't return emails. It's incredible how hard it is to meet someone now. I just don't get it. Thing is I'm not some fat slob - I run every day, I exercise everyday (it doesn't help for depression like they claim). I play sports. But basically I take it all one day at a time.

    Please don't say "it'll get better." That's what they said when I turned 40. It's only gotten worse. Things don't get better as you get older. I don't sleep well. Every day at least six or seven times a day I think "I want to die." I like coming in here and talking to young folks suffering from depression. I wish someone had done it for me when I was younger. Now I'm old and I have nothing. I'm feeling pretty low.

    There's not much anyone can really say that's going to change anything so don't feel the need to respond. I just wanted to write it out. I know everyone here's heard it all before...
     
  2. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Hi Count Floyd, I hope you don't mind my responding. I can relate to much of what you've expressed. I once believed I had life by the tail ~ well at least I tried to make myself believe that. I've actually been depressed most of my life - I just thought it was normal.

    I don't have answers, if I did I think I'd be rich cause a miracle cure would be great. I don't know if we'll ever get "better". I do know that when I can get some sleep it isn't as dreadfully bleak as when I haven't gotten sleep. Just wanted to voice the view that there are people here who get it. We also know what it's like to feel judged and isolated. I hope you can find some calm and commraderie to make tomorrow a bit better than today and the next day a bit better than tomorrow.

    I'm glad you shared and I hope you will continue to post and let others benefit from your experience. ♥
     
  3. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately tomorrow will be no better than today or the day before. I've been through this a long time. You can only hear 'it gets better" so many years before you realize it doesn't.

    I know a lot of folks here have similar problems. For me, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know it. I accept it. I essentially kind of have it figured out, I believe, how it's going to play out over the next few months. All I know is I don't want to be this person anymore.
     
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    what sort of things have tried, i mean you have gone down the meds route? what about councellling or cbt or some sort of exercise therapy if that helps.
    i hope you feel better soon.
     
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    I've tried ALL the meds. After Zoloft petered out they tried me on combos of meds. None worked. Counseling DEFINITELY doesn't work. I tried it and hated it, dreaded it with a passion. I"m not a talker and I'm especially not someone who likes talking about himself to strangers. It did the opposite for me, just gave me something to dread having to do. There is no cure. Some people suffer from massive depression and can't be helped. That is me. I have absolutely nothing going on in my life and it's not like I've tried. More than you can possibly imagine. It's just getting worse. I know the end is soon and frankly I can't wait.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Count Floyd,

    I am sorry to hear about situation. I just wanted to say that you couldn't be more wrong that your life, even at 50, will not get better. My fiance's step dad had a good job, never married, never had a relationship, never had kids, lived with his mother until he was 50, never had any friends, a complete recluse. Then he started dating my fiance's mum, and they are now happily married with lots of exciting prospects. You may say "that will never happen to me", but don't go out for the count yet. Because he said the same thing, he'd almost given up and when he was least expecting it, he found happiness. It COULD be possible for you too. Many people in their 50's marry, or re marry and find the happiness that they deserve. Your life is far from over. There is still a chance it could get better.
     
  7. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    I really don't know what to suggest hun x sending you hugs
     
  8. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    I was at the dentist yesterday and tomorrow is my birthday and I'm trying to figure which I would rather go to and the dentist wins. I am dreading tomorrow so much, I can barely cope. I can't say to my family "please don't celebrate my bd" because they'll get pissed. There's no way out of this.
     
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